SHORT STORIES.

Manawatu Herald, Volume XLI, Issue 1940, 15 February 1919, Page 4

SHORT STORIES.

PERHAPS HE WAS RIGHT. , Mrs Parvenue was engaging a new chauffeur, who was, to say the least of it, a very good-looking young man. She said; “We call our domestics by their last names. What is your last name?” “You had better call me Thomas, ma’am,” answered the applicant. “No. We insist that you should be called by your last name, otherwise you cannot fill the position. That- is our rule.” “I have no objection, but perhaps the family won't like to use it.” “What is your last name, then, may I ask?” said the irritated lady, sharply. “ ‘Darling,’ ma'am! ’ A BUSINESS OFFER. A. travelling menagerie was stationed in a provincial town whore a good number of boys were loafing. One of them, a thin and ragged urchin, I hough! he would like a peep at the show, got down on his hands and knees, pushed his head under the canvas, and was evidently enjoying himself, when the manager came along, pulling him out, and saying: “Do you know what we do with boys like you? We make meat of them for the lion’s cage!” The boy, looking up at him, said; “Look here, guv’nor, I tell yer what —let me see the show for nothing, and I’ll have all the fattest boys in Hie place a-crawling under the canvas to-morrow night!” INNOCENCE. The irate old gentleman put his head out of the remains of his window, and espied some small forms looking up at him from below. They all dispersed but one. “Look here, you young rascal, did you break mv window?” “No, sir!” “Do you know who did?” “No, sir, 1 don’t know nothin’ about it !" “■Well, get away. I don't wont you hanging around here!” “All right, mister. Will you give , me my ball before 1 go?” “Give you your ball? Why, where is it ?” * “I think it is in your front parlour!” I BIRDS OF A FEATHER. Mr Parvenue was satisfied at last. Somehow —no one knows quite how —he had forced his presence on tho select members of a well-known golf club. Full of zeal and joy be east about for a partner, and at last attacked a man who impressed him by bis rotundity of form, suggestive of social importance. “Would you care to have a game with me?” he asked. “Certainly, sir!” As they approached the lirast tec the old member said: “I am, by the way, a four man. What are you ?” The novice was nonplussed for the moment, but he soon recovered) “Foreman, are ye? Well, lam a straw 'at manufacturer!'’ WELL INFORMED. This was Bill Perkin’s first visit to the country, and the young gentleman was being shown round by an equally youthful country cousin Molly." He expressed enormous joy at all the new things they saw, and marvelled much at the wonderful knowledge displayed by his guide. He was doomed to disappointment, for he caught her tripping very badly. “These things are tomatoes,” said she, pointing at the round forms dangling from their stems. “No; tomatoes don’t gre.v like that!”' “They do! Can’t you see 'em?" “Yes, I can see them. But they ain't tomatoes!’’ “They are —they are!” “It isn’t polite to conl'adict a lady. But tomatoes don't grow on weeds. They grow in tins!” JUST ONE MORE SEARCH. “Cool as an iceberg” is a certain J old boatman, and it is doubtful whether an earthquake would startle him or not. One day, using his oar its a puntpole, he wits just pushing off with a boat-load of trippers, when a timid young lady remarked that: she hoped there was no danger. “No, miss!” returned the boatman; “theer ain’t no danger to be feared while I'm aboard. Twenty odd years I've sailed tins boat, and never had an aeeident hat once, and that 'wasn't serious. Y’e see, 1 wor just shoving off in this very boat when the oar broke, and I lost it. Five years ago that wor, and I’ve never seen that oar again from that day to —” At that moment the oar he was using slipped to the bottom, and the boatman fell overboard with a splash. When be scrambled into the boat again he was the coolest individual on hoard. “It just struck me,' 1 he said, quite calmly, “to have another look for that theer oar I wor talking about, but I don’t see nowt on it!” “HANDED OUT WITH RATIONS.” A decorated man walked along the platform. Decorated men never talk of their exploits. They leave the Loudon Gazette to do it for them. “What did you get it for?” ho was asked. “She had blue eyes and black hair,” was the response. This was distinctly promising—a romance, surely. “Yes, yes,” said the reporter, con-

cealing his eagerness poorly. • “That is what I said,” said (lie soldier.

“Yes, I can see it all,” said the reporter. “You Avere sitting in the old homestead and the squatter's daughter Avho had hitherto treated you with great hauteur, melted when she heard you had volunteered to fight for freedom, and when you Avere leaving for the front she fell on your neck and said she avouUl be yours. That’s it, isn’t if?” “Steady up,” said the digger. “I Avas talking about the battalion cat.” “Rut your decoration?” “Oil, the decoration! They hand them out Avith the rations.”

CHURCH’S VIEW OF SUICIDE. Referring to the revision of the Prayer Book, Dean Inge said there had been much discussion on the denial of the burial service to those “who laid hands on themselves.” “It seems to me,” said Dean Inge, “that suicide differs profoundly from murder, and I do not think it ought to be treated as such an awful crime. Persons avlio take their oavu lives arc seldom criminals, and aro frequently very estimable people. They arc often victims of nervous depression Avhich dues not amount to madness, but Avhich they are not able at the time to resist. I have often felt that prohibition of the Church of England service to (hose who have taken their oavu lives in a fit uf depression is a harsh measure Avhich cannol be justified.''

NEW CAUSE OF ACCIDENTS

During the past I’cav months the aeroplane has appeared as the cause of raißvay collisions. The first accident of this kind on record occurred in the L'nitcd Stales a little time ago, an aeroplane colliding AA’ith a goods train. More recently a similar collision took place in the North of England, while Marseilles has been the scene of an extraordinary accident, an aeroplane which was forced to descend, through engine trouble, striking a traimvay cable, Avhich fused, and set lavo cars on lire. In tins instance, four passengers Avere killed and several injured, while the two airmen Aveie also seriously injured.