ODDS AND ENDS.

Manawatu Herald, Volume XXXIX, Issue 1697, 12 April 1917, Page 4

ODDS AND ENDS.

Towels and eggs can never be too fresh. A man’s popularity generally ends when he gets home. It’s a wise barber who never illustrates his stories with cuts. Every man has his price, but some men give themselves away. Even the woman who is looking for bargains doesn’t want a cheap man. Among other things that it isn’t safe to fool with are toy pistols and platonic love. Don’t make the mistake of believing that the girl with dreamy eyes isn’t wide awake. A critic is a person who is unable to do a thing in the way he knows it ought to be done. ‘Tie s so reckless lie’s always taking chances.” “Oh, do send him to our charity bazaar." Edith: “Have you ever done any deep-sea fishing?” Ethel: “Well, 1 became engaged on an ocean liner.” Next to going to a matinee the most exciting thing for a girl is to think that the leading man looked at her. The worst of being right is you always have to prove it. If you are wrong the other fellow will prove it. for you. “Doctor, what seems to be the matter with my husband?” “He has a disease peculiar to golf players.” “What is it?" “An itching to go south for the winter.” The Captain: “Ere, Billy, it ain’t fair puttin’ stones in the snowballs.” The Enemy:. “What ain’t fair ? Ain’t we supposed to be the German army?”

He (relating thrilling experience) : “We were having a terrible time until the French brought up their Jo's.” She: “I do think it’s splendid for men that age to be lighting, don’t you?” Wounded Soldier (to nurse who has just served him with tea and bread and butter) : “Who put the butler on the bread, nurse?” “I did.” “Then, nurse, who the dickens took it off again ?”

Mrs Wigwag: “Your daughter paints in Ilia Match school, docs she not?” Mrs Pneurieh: “Not, much, she don’t. We pay '25 a, quarter to gave her private lessors at home. Dutch school, indeed!”

Boss: “1 wanted to speak to you, Mr Lovum, about your attention to Miss Sweet! durin?;' ollice holies. 1 engaged yon as hilling clerk, only; no cooing mentioned. That will he all tor the present.”

Specialist : “Your heart is acting rather irregularly, is there anything worrying you.'” I’atient: ‘■Not particularly. Only .just now when you put your hand in yonr pocket 1 thought lor a moment; yon were going to give me your hill.”

Little Boy: ‘•That lady that talked to me in the park gave me some candy.” Mother: “1 hope you were polite/” Little Boy: “Yes, am, I was.” Mother; “What did yon say.'” Little Boy: ”1 said ,1 wished pa had met her before he got acquainted with yon.” NO EXPENSE. “My wife and I are thinking of: chartering a yacht for the summer.” “Won’t that be pretty expensive “Not as long as we coniine ourselves to thinking about it.” GERMS. ii was at a performance of “The Merchant of Venice.” “The quality of mercy is not strained!” cried Portia. “How insanitary!” muttered the hypochondriac in the front row. ITS REDEEMING EEATLRE. “People do seem to have lost their senses for good and all,” said a farmer*, “to go traipsin’ over a held hour after hour knockin’ little golf balls over hillocks and into holes.” “Not a bit of it,” said his more sophisticated neighbour. “ That there game ain’t so silly as it looks. There’s chance for a rare bit of cheatin’ in it. I’m told!” THE PROFESSIONAL VIEWPOINT. The gentleman ami the detective whom he had once employed in a private capacity met in an elevator. “Glad to see you,” said the gentleman. “How are you getting on?” “Badly, very badly,” said the detective. “No theiving, no blackmailing, no divorces. The world is going t,o rack and ruin, I say.” ALLGONE. “I’ve got a new house parlourmaid. She is tall, good-looking, and works excellently,” said Airs Sec-ond-Lieutenant to her friend.

HTn, then there must he something wrong Avith her. No doubt she’s hiding from the police. Communicate Avith Scotland Yard immediately, my dear,” avus the ans Aver. “All the enterprising Avomen have left domestic service.” THRIFTY. It is said that Scottish humour is an electric spark that flies back and forth betAveen the lavo extremes of whisky and religion. But the following anecdote is Scottish, Avithoul touching either extreme. A wife was asked by her husband what kind of a bonnet she Avould like him to bring her frae Glasgow, and she replied: ‘‘Week ye’d best make it a straAV bunnet, Jock, and Avhen I’m done Avi’ it I’ll feed it to the coo.” PLENTY OF TIME. The minister of a certain parish in Scotland was Avalking one misty night through a street in the village Avhen he fell into a deep hole. There avus no ladder by Avhich he could make his escape, and be began to shout for help. A labourer passing heard his cries, and, looking down, asked who he Avas. The minister told him, Avhereupon the labourer remarked: “Week weed, . V(; needna kick up sic a noise. You’ll no be needed afore Sawbath, an’ this is only Wednesday nicht.” ALWAYS THEBE. The favoured suitor rang the door-bell. * “Is Miss Blank at home ?” he inquired. “Oh, yes, sir,” replied the maid, and she ushered him into the draAvingroom. Having waited for almost an hour, he summoned the maid again. “Did you forget to tell Miss Blank that I was here?” he asked impatiently. “No, sir,” was the reply. “Miss Blank hasn’t got back from shopping yet.” “But you said she was at home.” “Yes, sir. She told me positively (bat she avus ah, ; s at home to you, sir.” TOO CA BE LESS. Bilkins had attended a banquet, and a little before 2 a.m. had slid limply, but smilingly, under the table, Avhere he'reposed, peacefully until he was draAvn forth by one of his friends, Avho laboriously lugged him to a taxicab, and finally landed him in his room. The friend carefully put Bilkins to bed and went his way. Along in (he forenoon, another friend, avlio had also attended 1 lit' banquet, dropped in to see how Bilkins was faring. He found Bilkins in (he midst of bis toilet. “■Say,.” said Bilkins, “who put me to bed las! night ?” The friend fold him. Bilkins pondered for a moment, and then said: “Don’t you ever let him do it again." “Why not ?" asked the caller, in surprise. “Well, he’s 100 careless,” answered Bilkins. “He forgot to Avind my watch.”