ODDS AND ENDS.

Manawatu Herald, Volume XXXIX, Issue 1678, 24 February 1917, Page 4

ODDS AND ENDS.

I want a glass suitable fur studying (he stars.” “Yes sir. x\strouomieal or theatrical?”

Mrs Green; “Do you ever (latter your husband ?” Airs Wyse: “Yes, 1 sometimes ask his advice about things.”

He: “Fifty miles an hour! Are you brave?” She (swallowing another f>int of dust) : “Yes, dear. I’m full of grit.”

“You are a pretty sharp hoy, Tommy.” “Well, I’d ought (o he. Pa lakes me out in the wood-shed and strops me Him* or four times a week'.”

The Man : “Of course, you understand, dear, that our engagement must be kept .secret ?” The Woman: “Oh, yes, dear! 1 tell everybody Unit.”

Wonderful family Hie Joneses! There are about 4,900 of (hem in the Welsh Regimen), we are told. And whal about the Joiies-eu in Ron-

“Oh! ! Just love animals!" cried (he enthusiastic girl. “Perhaps yon have noticed (hat 1 am a little hoarse," insinuated tlit* young man who had a cold.

Richard Strauss, (he German composer, has completed a new opera called “The Woman Without a Shadow.” Perhaps he will follow il up with “The Kaiser Witlmui the Ghost of a Chance!"

Minister: “'Why don’t yon gel a wife, Sandy.'” Sandy: “1 micht gel a had ane." “Trust to Providence, and you’ll be alright.” “I’m nae so sure, minister; for, ye ken, Providence has to dispose of the had as well as the guid."

Bookstall Assist ant on train platform (calling across lo the substall hoy) —“Hello! Have you a Ladies’ Dress over there?” Substall Boy; “No, there ain’t nullink o’ the kind ’ore, but I could lend you a pair of trousers if they’re any good."

“Martha, why did you put on that heavy mourning fur Sam? If isn’t honest. Everybody knows that yon fought like cat and dog.” “Dis yere ain’t no mourning’ for date niggah, Sam; but how’s de young men lo know I’s in de market agin ef 1 don’t wear it?”

“Wind's the matter, little (toy?” asked the kind-hearted old gentleman of the youth who was yelling lustily. “800-hoo, boo-hoo,” sohhed the hoy, “Come, come,” soothingly said the old gentleman. “Don’t mind, don't mind.’’ “1 didn’t” shrieked the hoy, “an’ that’s what 1 got licked for!”

Irishmen nre by no men ns the sole perpetrators of bulls, but they generally make the best ones —or at least the best ones are. attributed to them. As, for instance: “Pat, do you like, lettuce?” “No, sor, Oi don't; and whaPs more, Oi'm glad Oi don't; for av Ui did, Odd ate it —and Oi hate the stuff!”

Life is real if not altogether earnest among people of a certain type. “1 s'pose John is still taking life easy?” said the woman in the spring cart on the road to Alexandria. “Yes," answered the woman who was carrying an armful of wood. “John has only two regrets in life. One is that he has to wake up to eat, and the other that he has to quit eating to sleep.” Mr Pott Kidge tells a story apropos the flustered state so many people get into when travelling, even though they may have a good deal of time to .spare. A hp|y passenger in great excitement, discovered af the lasf moment (hpl slut had forgotten to purchase her ticket, and a porter accordingly hurried |o the booking office. “It’s four-and-two, miss,” he remarked, handing the ticket through the carriage window as (he train was moving off. “Thank you so much," was the passenger's agitated reply. “Here’s four shillings, and you can keep the odd two-pence for yourself!”