ODDS AND ENDS.

Manawatu Herald, Volume XXXIX, Issue 1662, 16 January 1917, Page 4

ODDS AND ENDS.

Bulgaria’s war motto: “Run early and avoid the Russ.” “My husband talks in his sleep.” “Can’t you do anything to breok off the habit?” “I wouldn’t break him off it for the world.”

Jock (discussing new-officer who has just been attached to the company) : “What’s his name, Rah?” Rab: “Have ye no heard? Och, he’s got a grand name, I tell ye Mister Buchanan-Dewar, wi’ a syphon in between.”

Brown was boasting of his frankness. “Yes,” he said, proudly, “I always say what I think. I’m outspoken.” “I bet you’re not,” put in Smith, “when you get home late.” “No,” agreed Brown, sadly, “then I am out-talked.” “I knew a man who was ver\ much afraid he would be loved, not for himself, but for his advantages, so he put it to the lest.” “How did he do that?” “Wrote an anonymous letter to the girl he loved, asking her to marry him.’ A lady, straphanging in a crowded tranfcar, accidentally trod on the toes of,a man sitting down. “Do you know that you are standing on my feet?” he said testily. “If you were polite you would he standing on them yourself!” was the retort.

They have a pregnant expression at the front for cases in which senior officers are relieved of their commands. “What’s happened to so and so?” I asked a red tab the other day, mentioning an officer. “Oh,” was the reply, “he got a single ticket for Blighty.” A honeymoon couple were motoring through a country village, when they were stopped by a “Special,” ■who asked to see the driver's license. The new husband looked rather sheepish, and muttered: “Had no idea they were so particular in the country!” and produced —his marriage license! A gentleman visited the house of si friend. The butler, an Irishman, acted very kindly towards him. He waited upon him at dinner, brushed his clothes, and saw him into his carriage. The gentleman, who was very miserly, never offered to tip him, so, sis a reminder, Pat said to him: “Faith, sov, if ye lose your purse on the way, remember ye didn’t pull it’out here.” The following is the favourite story of Sir Francis Elliot, who has been Britain’s Minister at Athens since 1903. It concerns a guide who was showing an American gentleman round the tombs in St. Paul’s. “That, sir,” said the guide, “is the tofhb of the greatest ‘ero Europe or the world ever knew — Lord Nelson’s. That marble sarcophagus weighs forty-two tons. Hinside that is a steel receptacle weighing twelve tons, and hinside that is a leaden casket ’ermetically sealed, weighing two tons. Hinside that is a mahogany coffin ’olding the hashes of the great naval ’ero.” “Wal,” said the Yankee, after a few moments’ meditation, “I guess you’ve got him. If he ever gets out of that, telegraph me at my expense.” .. NOW QUALIFIED. “Aren’t yon the boy who was here a week ago looking for a position?” , “Yes, hir.” . “I thought so. And didn’t I tell you then that I wanted an older boy?” “Yes, sir; that’s why I’m here now.” .. SOMETHING SOULFUL. ... “You-are going to say something soulful,” declared the fiancee. “I see it in your lovely eyes.” “What I was going to say is this,” responded the fiancee. “Won’t you wear a rubber band around your head at night, so as to train your ears not to stick out?” ONE ENOUGH. Inspector (lo police constable) “Where are you rushing to?” Police Constable. —“To bring an hambulance for a man wot’s in a fit.” Inspector. —Can't you bring him to?” Police Constable.— “Wot's he want two for?”