Not Up to Date.

Manawatu Herald, Volume XXVIII, Issue 3643, 28 April 1906, Page 4

Not Up to Date.

"Mandy," said Farmer Corntosßel, "the world moves, an we orter move with it. But I'm afeard thot out in this part o' tha country we're purty nigh curtain ter git left." "Whtit'fl the matter, Josiar?" "We're livin on tho slowest railroad on earth." "Thet'safact." "The clock's never less'n four houw ■low." "Neve*." "Well, I've discovered theb lt'fl wuss'n thet. I looked at the thermometer, aa thet's three months behindhand at th« lowest oftlonlatlon."— "Washington St*r. Retaliation.

He—you’re all alike—nothing but vanity. Why, you never saw a man powder and paint. She—But I’ve scon a man of 00 comb two or three hairs over bis bald head and try to pass for 80.—Once a Wi ck. Breaking It Gently. He was digging rock in a phosphate mine on tho Ten Milo hill, near Charleston, and I was assistant superintendent of tho place. One day after the hands had knocked off he said to me: “Boss, is you know how fur rite one letter?” I assured him that my education had extended that far ami asked to whom he wished to writ". “ : l v .l i‘t.' i M', r (-'i.-i', t;0. ii t. .. .i . ... ;. - v- ; ■ r- . ... ;. ; . aiiciiliary.” “For winn? 1 “Ho kill one man.” “Oh, ho murdered someone?” “Ho ain’t murder no one. lie slaughter em.” “Ah, manslaughter!” “Dal’s do way. Will yon please rite .a- loner to ’em en urx how he do? He • inure ou,< Pritchard.” “ How is that, when you are his brother, uu'l your name is Robinson? “Oh, dat’a all right. Befo’ de wah Big* ~t h«>u Imb only one name, same like de .tic «>n de Bible.cn so doy tok dero ca m name fur dero loss name.” •Very well, I’ll write to inquire about Pritchard.” I wrote to the superintendent of tho penitentiary In Columbia and was Informed that Pritchard had been dead for several months. I did not like to toll tho new* In person to Robinson, eo I asked George Washington to do so, and I endeavored to r. i press upon George tho necessity of breakag the news gently. “Oh, I know wha’ you mean,” laid loorge, “I know. All right, sab.” On the following day I asked George whether ho had broken the nows to Rob-'nson,-ftnd he replied: “Oh, yes, sah. I tell'em een deway , ha’ you say I muss. Fuss I say, ‘Sambo, -■•ity you got one bredder?’ En ho say, • V**. 1 Den I say, ‘ Enty you bredder am een •,le penitentiary?’ En ho say, ‘Yes,’ again, 1 >cn T say, ‘He dead.’ ” “Ut>od graol-jus, man! Do you call that .'reahlog the nows gently? What did Robin,son say?” “.Sambo say: ‘Oh, den ho am dead! But wuffer you tell mo ’bout ’em een sloh a •cuu’ubout way?”—Now York Sun. A Good Deal of Inference. The other day a citizen called nt the stamp window of tho postoffice and laid two pennies on the shelf. Tho clerk looked at him for ton seconds ami then queried: “Two ones?” “No, of course not! When a man lays down 2 cents, lie wants a 3 cent stamp, of course.” “Not always.” “But that’s the inference. After this when you see two pennies down hero you oan infer that a 2 cent stamp is wanted.” Next day the same man called and put down a $lO bill, and before ho could speak the clerk shoved it back to him with the remark:

“The government doesn’t issue any.” “Any whal ?” “Any thousand cent, stamps. Sony 1 can’t accommodate you.” “Who asked for a thousand cent stamp?” “You did. Whenever a man lays down si flO bill, the inference is that he wants one of those stamps, but, as I said, they are not issued.” The man picked up his bill and walked out with a red face, hut five minutes Inter returned and drop-pod a cigar on the shelf and good naturedly queried: “And what do you infer from that?”“Smoko —shako 1” replied the dork, and the two became friends. — Detroit Free Press. More Chance of Appreciation. Mrs. Van Bioho—l’m determined that my daughter shall havo a chance to show what she can do. 1 have arranged for her to sing before some opera singers, and afterward to read a paper 6n art boforo some painters. Could I have her do more than that? Mr. Sinnlo—Yes; have her deliver the lecture on art to the opera singers and sing before the pointers.—Chicago Record. Repartee. “You ought to be ashamed of yourself. 11 said (he feather legged hen to the game wo. * ‘ The Idea of you trying to crow. ’' “Anyway,” retorted the game ben, with a scornful glance at the other's extremities, “anyway I have not began wearing bloomersl“—lndianapolis Journal Oenerona to a Fault. "And what are you going to give yoas little sister for a birthday present!’” "I’m going to ask papa to get her a football, and then I'll show hoi how to play.” —Ottawa Free Press. A Disappointment. Nodd—My wife felt terribly to think I pLv, od poker last night. Tod.i—ls that so? Why? Nodd—She lost a now bonnet.—Clothier and Furnisher. Wholesale, lleant — How much for a mania go f k—One dollar for a single license; » commutation license.—Detroit