Page 4 Advertisements Column 1

Manawatu Herald, 4 June 1898, Page 4

Not Up to Date. "Handy," said Farmer Corntossel, "tho World moves, an. wo orter move with it. But I'm afeard thet out in this part o' the country we'ro purty nigh certain ter git left." "Whut'g tho matter, Josiar?" "We're livin on tho slowest railroad on earth." "Thet's a fact." "^The dock's never less'n four hours alqw," "Fever." "WeU, I've discovered thet it'swuss'n thet. I looked at the thermometer, aa thet's three mpnths behindhand at the lowest calculation." — Washington Star. Retaliation. He — You're all alike — nothing but vanity. Why, you novor sew a man powder and paint. She — But I've soon a man of 60 comb; two or three hairs over his bald head and try to pass for 80. — Once a Week. Breaking It Gently. He was digging rock in a phosphate mine on tho Ten Mile hill, near Charleston, and I was assistant superintendent of the place. One day after the hands had knocked off he said to me: "Boss, is you know how fur rite one letter?" I assured him that my education had extended that far and asked to whom he wished to write. "To my bredder," said he. "And where is your brother?" "He am een de penitentiary." "For what?" "He kill ono man." "Oh, he murdered some one?" "Ho ain't murder no one. Ho slaughter 'em." "Ah, manslaughter!" "Dats de way. Will you pleaso rite one letter to 'em en arx how he do? Ho nanie Gus Pritchard." "How is that, when you are his brother, and your uamo is Robinson? "Oh, dats all right. Befo' de wah nigger been hab only one name, same like de people een do Bible, en so dey tck dere massa name fur dere lass name." "Very well, I'll write to inquire about Pritchard." I wrote to the superintendent of tho penitentiary in Columbia and was informed that Pritchard had been dead for several " months. I did not like to tell the news in person to Robinson, so I asked George Washington to do so, and I endeavored to impress upon George tho necessity of breaking the news gently. "Oh, I know wha' you mean," said George, "I know. All right, sah." On the following day I asked George whether he had broken the news to Robinson, and he replied: "Oh, yes, sah. I toll 'em een deway wha' you say I muss. Fuss I say, 'Sambo, enty you got ono breddor?' En he say, ' Yes. ' Den I say, ' Enty you bredder am een de penitentiary? 1 En he say, 'Yes,' again. Den I say, 'He dead.' " 1 ' Good gracious, man 1 Do you call that breaking tho news gently? What did Robinson say?" "Sambo say: 'Oh, den he am deadl But wuffer you tell me 'bout 'em een sich a roun'about way?"— New York Sun. A Good Deal of Inference. The other day a citizen called at the stamp window of the postoffico and laid two pennies on tho shelf. Tho clerk looked at him for ten seconds and then queried: "Two ones?" "No, of course not! When a man lays down 2 cents, ho wants a 2 cent stamp, of course." "Not always." "But that's the inference. After this when you boo two pennies down hero you can infer that a 3 cent stamp is wanted." Next day the same man called and put down a $10 bill, and before he could speak the clerk shoved it back to him with the remark: "The government doesn't issue any." "Any what?" "Any thousand cent stamps. Sorry I can't accommodate you." "Who asked for a thousand cent stamp?" "You did. Whenever a man lays down a $10 bill, the inference is that he wants one of those stamps, but, as f said, they are not issued." The man picked up his bill and walked out with a red face, but five minutes later returned and dropped a cigar on the shelf and good naturedly queried: "And what do you infer from that?" "Smoke — shake!" replied the clerk, and the two became friends. — Detroit Free Press. llore Chance of Appreciation. Mrs. Van Riohe — I'm determined that my daughter shall have a chance to show what she can do. I have arranged for her to sing before some opera singers, and afterward to read a paper on art before some painters. Could I have her do more than that? Mr. Sinnic — Yes", have her deliver the, lecture on art to tho opera singers and sing before the painters. — Chicago Record. Repartee. "You ought to be ashamed of yourself," eaid the feather legged hen to the game one. ' ' The idea of you trying to crow. " "Anyway," retorted the game hen, with a scornful glance at the other's extremities, "anyway I have not begun wearing bloomers I" — Indianapolis Journal. Generous to a Vault. "And what are you going to give your little sister for a birthday present?" "I'm going to ask papa to get her a football, and then I'll show her how to play." — Ottawa Free Press. A Disappointment. Nodd—My wife felt terribly to think I played poker tost night. Todd— ls that so? Why? Nodd — She lost a new bonnet.— Clothier 1 and Furnisher. Wholesale. \ Applicant — How muoh for a marriage' license? Clerk — One dollar for a single license; |S for a commutation license. — Detroit Tribune.