Page 4 Advertisements Column 1

Manawatu Herald, 7 May 1896, Page 4

Floored Him. We give ia full General Stewart L. Woodford's speech at the Clover club dinner, Waldorf hotel. Genenl Stovr.rt L. Woodford began by saying, "\V« hod a man from Brooklyn"— "When; is Brooklyn?" shouted somebody. "A town across the river," said he, "that is Koing to incorporate New York. We had a man from Brooklyn" A voice: "You sad that before. Who ■was he?" "I am oL'ginning to think," he continued. "PhilaiVjlphians never think" "Otherwise you would nob be here," •houted Charley Brooke. "I have Rot a prepared speech," he went on desperately. "Who wrote it?" shouted everybody,, _ Woodford eat down. "" With the Accent On. " "Do you believe it a crime to steal a kiss?" she said. "In your case," he answered gallantly, "it would be grand larceny."One on Him. Some drummers were diverting themBelves in a 9tnoking car l»y repeating episodes of so called "cheek." All but one had related an instance. When he was called upon, he drearily said: "I don't remember anything worth telling. In fact my wife has completely dazed my memory of matters of that kind by a fine sample of her own stock* You see, when I got back from my latest trip, I went home at something after 9 o'clock in the evening. Well, there was my house lighted up from top story to basement;, carraiges were leaving the door, and affairs seemed to be going on inside on a grand scale. I let myself into the basement with a latchkey and walked into the dining room. Strains of music came from the back part of the hall, and the mingled laughter and conversation indicated a host of guests. "Presently my wife came into the dining room dressed like a princess. She ran up to me saying: " 'Oh, Jackl I'm so gjad you've come home early.' " 'So'm I," said I. 'What's the racketsurprise party?' " 'Surprise party?' said she with a pout. •No, indeed. It's the anniversary of my wedding.' " 'Tilda,' said I, 'you're off. You're way off I This i 3 the month of March. It was in summer we were married! 1 "She serenely replied: 'I know that very Well. This is the anniversary of my first marriage. Go put on your dress suit, dear.' " Why He Didn't. A Cass avenue man, with a wife who has her own ways about doing things, catches her now and then. "My dear," he said the other morning as he was dressing, "I think you were right when you told me last night there were burglars in the house." "Why?" she asked- nervously. "Because all the money that was in my pockets when I went to bed is gone." "Well," she said, with an I-told-you-so air, "if you had been brave and got up and shot the wretch, you would have had your money this morninj^J*-"'; . , "Possibly, my deaV possibly;" tie said gingerly, "but I would have been a widower." .•-*?U>-\j&Jd ; . She laughed softly then andjjaye half of It back to him.^r " ''"' v A Judge on the "Treadmill." 1 A good story is told of a, judge-visiting a penal institution. Being practically disposed, the learned judge philanthropically wrafltfcd h,imself on the ' 'treadmill," desiring toe warden tojstarfc it in motion. TbejmdVjhine was accordingly adjusted, and his J^J^hip commenced, to lift his /feet. In a few' minutes, however, tb^e new hand had tad quite enough of it and called to be relealed, but this was not so easy. f f my lord," said the man, "you «^vl§et6ff. Jt's'set for 20 minufes. That's the shortest time we can make it go." the Judge wa§ in durance until his ••tiafm" eSpired.-r' ' , Placing Him. But one foreign newspaper correspondent ha^ begun to pitoh into the institutions of %nia"country as yet. He is the representative of the Sheffield Telegraph, and he expresses the opinion that things are not as they should be over here. However, he is 'Understood at home. When he first decided to come over to see us, he met Ben Foltiom. our consul there, and in the loftiest, most patronizing manner remarked: "I don't know if you have heard it has been decided that I am to go to your exhibition." •*Ah, indeed," said Ben^ "What section will you be in?"* _ Jh " ; ' "' v IiOoJcln; Oat For Squalls. k>. Mr. Eastside— When I come home late, I always go to the kitchen first and strike a match. Mr. McHarlem— What do- you do that tort Mr. Eastside— To see if the broom is in Its place in the corner. If it isn't, I know wnatsort of a reception is in afore for me when I get up stairs.Saved Him the Trouble. Smith— l met a man today who told me I looked like you. Jones (fiercely)— Who was it? If I can find him, I'll knock him down. Smith (calmly)— Don't trouble yourself. I knocked him down at once.. Pride and PoTerty. Quericus— What did he mean by saying that he would have to economize, as there ■/ waa one more in the family to support? Cynicus— His daughter has^ just married an English nobleman.. '"*' " .. Takes a Brave Man. Miss Grotesque— Do you know—te-he— no man has ever kissed me. Oalhjwjy— Most men are cowardi