ARTEMUS WARD ON THE CENSUS.

Manawatu Herald, Volume III, Issue III, 12 September 1891, Page 4

ARTEMUS WARD ON THE CENSUS.

The Sences taker in our town being taken sick, he deppcrtised me to go out for him one day, and as he was too ill to giv me inlormasliun how to perceed, I was consekently compelled to go it blind. Sittin down by the road side, I drawed up the follerin list of questions, which I proposed to ax the peple I visited : — Wat's your age ? W'har was you born ? Air you marrid, and if so how do you like it? How many children hay you, and do they sufficiently resemble you as to preclood the possibility of their belongin to any of your naliers ? Did you ever hay the measels, and if so, how many ? Hay you a twin brother several years older than yourself ? How many parents hay you ? Do you read Watt's Hims regler ? Do you use boughten tobacker ? Wat's your fitin 1 wate ? Air you trubeld with biles ? How does your meresham culler ? State whether you air blind, deaf, idiotic, or got the heaves ? Do you know any Opry singers, and if so how much do they owe you ? What's the average of virtoo on the Ery Canawl ? If 4 barrils of Emptins pored onto a barn floor will kiver it, how many plasecan Dion Boucicault write in a year ? Is Beans a regler article of diet in your family ? How many chickins hay you, on foot and in the shell ? Air you aware that Injianny whisky is used in New York shootin galrys instid of pistils, and that it shoots furthest ? Was yon ever at Niagry Falls ? Was you ever in the Penitentiary ? State how much pork, impendin crysis, Dutch cheeze, popler suvrinty, standard poetry, children's strainer's s!r\vc code, catnip, red ilaniu-.1, ancient histry, pickled tomaters, old junk, pcrfooniery, coal ile, liberty, hoop skirt, Ac, you hay on hand? But it didn't work. I got into a row at the fust house I stopt to, with some old maids. Disbelieven tho anseis they giv in regard to their ages I endevered to open their mouths and look at their teeth, same as they do with hosses, but they fioo into a vilent rage aud tackled me with brooms and sich. Tak in the senses requires expeviunce, lil:e any other bizntss.