Page 4 Advertisements Column 5

Manawatu Herald, Volume III, Issue III, 8 September 1891, Page 4

r __ n -. : - ALL THE DIFFERENCE. "■' Wife— Henry, how in the world did yet get that black eye ? " I had a fight with Willworthy and whipped him." ; " Oh, you brute ! Why do you disgrace yourself by these brawls?" " Well, I heard him say that you wore false teeth and — " •',;>."•■ "The villain! I hope you whipped him within an inch of his lite." I SIMPLY ABSURD. Editor (to Old Schoolmate) : "It hu^s me, old fellow, to wound your feelings, but really we are so overstocked with poetry that it's useless to read yours.' We can only accept what shows unmistakable genius." Old Schoolmate : " Well, just read the poem, and tell me what you think of it. It may prove better than you imagine." Editor (having read the poem) : "It is a. 1 ! I feared ; the poem shows no promise whatever. Pardon me, but it is simply absurd." Old Schoolmate (with a broad grin) : " That's just what I thought. It's a copy of some verses you wrote in my autograph 1 album while wo were at school together," ■f? 'ADVICE ABOUT MARRIAGE, ( - I " The reason why so few marriages are happy is because young ladies spend their time in making nets, and not in making cages."— Swift, " Hasty marriages seldom proveth well." ' —Shakespeare. " If you wish to marry suitably, marry your equal." — Ovid. ■•>. .;. ■« .', "Take the daughter of a good mother." Fuller. ■■#%s■■*,'&■.' A**-. " Choose not alone a proper mate, but a : proper time to marry," — Cowper. - 1 " Of all actions of a man's life, his marriage docs least concern other people ; yet of all actions of our life it is most meddled with by other people."— Se Wen. , FISHES APPROPRIATED. ? *f# For Soldiers— The sword fish and the 3cabbard fish. For Sailors— The pilot fish. For Musicians— The band fish. For Smokers— The pipe fish. For Barbers— The pole fish. For Black-smiths— The bellows fish, the file fish, and the hammerhead. For Faultfinders — The carp. For Office-seekers — The plaice. For Baby— The bib fish. For Teamsters — The carter fish. For Travellers— The trunk fish. For Shoemakers — The soles and the eels For Schoolboys— The sucker. *&* For Entomologists — The butterfly fish. For Colourmen — The whiting. For the Ambitious — The power fish. For Cold Weather— The coal fish. For Cheesemongers — The butter fish. For Old Maids— The angler. For Licensed Victuallers— The toper fish, For Huntsmen — The dog fish, the hound, and the boar fish. For Farmers— The thrasher. For Washerwomen — The tub fish. For Bathers— The flounder. For Frosty Weather— The skates. For Married Men— Old wife. For Rowers— The oar fish, THE PRETTY GIRLS OF IRELAND. The Irish ladies are perhaps the prettiest In the wide world. Their features, it is true, are less regular than those of English women, but they triumph over them with their soft, creamy complexions, their large, j appealing, grey-blue eyes and long lashes, j find a sort of indefinable charm and demure ( coquetry, yet thoroughly modest manners. j " Every third Irishwoman," wrote the ! Queen in her diary, when last visiting the 1 sountry, " is beautiful, and some of them 1 1 remarkably so. Their hair and eyes are I : simply lovely." I ; Apart from personal charms, it is impossible not to admire the gentle grace and : fiignity of the wives and daughters of the Emerald Isle. l j Go where you will, you will not find an • Irishwoman who is otherwise than naturally ' distinguished. The list of beauties is a long one, and looking back we can recall histories of the ;xlraordinary loveliness of the three Miss Gunnings, who, when they came up to London, had actually to be escorted in Hyde Park by a guard of soldiers, sent by flio order of the Secretary of State, so overwhelming was the crowd pressing upon tl'.Om. -O"' •*; " -JVi^Vifc Then there was Lady Denny, Lady Cahir, Lidy Clare, and many others, to say nothing ol' the present young Duchess ofLeirister, ore of the most attractive women of this ov any other day. ■.'>f^ ;! v;;& f ,'Vj;>: ' A MUSICAL RHAPSODY. Tenor eleven men were seated around the' stove comparing notes when a beat, leaning j heavily upon a stout staff, entered and I ambled up to the bar. '■<■■•& He wore an air of embarrassment, and there was a perceptible quaver in the tone as he in-clwired if the bartender would give a glass of rum to a man who had just returned from a voyage on the high C's. -M' " What's that you say ?" inquired Boniface, winking at the crowd. " Don't speak wlo." ■■■ ■■<*■• 11 1 said drum, and you know it," replied the stranger, "Do you take me for aflat V '• Who are you, anyhow ?" inquired the I bartender, surveying hymn curiously. . I " Where do you come from ?" " Hold on !" was the response. " Give me a chants and I'll tell you. Your question is a natural one. My name is Ben Legato, I am forte years of age, and I hail from Fife. As you may have guessed from the pitch on my close, I am a sailor." " Give me a rest," said the barkeeper sarcastically. " You think yourself very sliarp, don't you ? You needn't stop any longer ; just turn around and march out." " You are not going to shake me so easily," replied the tramp, "and it will be just as swell for you to understand it in time. I shall try to ignore your slurs, although they do violins to my feelings." "I'll give you a baton the head fugue go on in that way," was the fierce answer. " Don't that sympliony V laughed the stranger. " What major think of that ?" " What a bass-viol pun 1" gasped the bartender. ■'■"■ . • •"'.■- "That schottisclie shameful 1" said the tramp, attacking the free lunch. " Now counterpoint for me." .'•-■,■»,« " Anthem crackers over," ordered the barfender. , " Are they minor yours ? " Now galop out." • V'^ " I won't duct," said the intruder, leisurely arranging his tie, " until you give me the required tonic. I could drink a quartet least." ' " Skip," said Boniface, producing a smallsized canon, " or there may be an accidental explosion." " I'm going tune now," said the visitor, and he made a quickstep for the door and disappeared. _ „ He was Repentant.— Mrs Flapjack : " You havebeen flirting with my daughter, and last night you went so far as to kiss her. Now, I want to know what are your intentions ?" Boarder : "My intention is never to do «o again," ; - *"-