Madame Simple's Investment

Manawatu Herald, Volume III, Issue III, 15 August 1891, Page 4

Madame Simple's Investment

VIII. One day Madame de Simplcnvllle said to her husband. " My dear, you will accompany me this morning." "To go and see the monkeys ?" And M. de Simplenville's countenance brightened at the very thought, The lady regarded him with a haughty look, which said as plain as possible, " Poor dear man ! He has sold too many simples not to continue simple for the rest of his days !" II No, dear !" she answered. " No, 'tis not the monkeys that we are to see. lam going to introduce you to-day into a world where you ought to'have figured long ago." " I don't know what world you are talking about : but it is all one to me, if it is an amusing one." " It is not a question of amusement, Monsieur, but of philanthropy." " The name does not sound very enter* taining." , "No more is the thing. It is not for the sake of selfish amusement that we are made the depositaries of a large fortune, but to • render ourselves useful to map kind at large. Now, I do not know whether it has ever struck you that yon are utterly good for nothing in a philanthropic sense, and of no earthly service to any living creature." 11 1 confess that this fact had completely escaped my observation." " Well, people whose authority in such subjects is incontestable have already made the discovevy for you. And they had only to indicate the circumstance to me to make me resolve immediately that your nullity and insignificance should forthwith cease." j " My nullity and insignificance 1" " Here is your diploma as a member of the society for the mutual safeguard of the respective rights of man and animals. This morning the installations take place. We will be present on that occasion." M. de Simplenville went as he was bid. The meeting was a protracted one. The president spoke two hours and a half, giving the history ol all sorts of societies, past, present, and future, without saying a single word about that which had caused them to assemble. At last the discussion began ; and the speakers went into the heart of the question. Then came a rolling fire of propositions, considerations, observations, recriminations, exhortations, and explanations. Amongst other pbilobestial arrangements, the meeting voted the following : — " i. Man having the incontestable right to hunt the rabbit, and the rabbit the no less incontestable right to live, a prize-medal shall be awarded to the sportsman who, in the course of a season, shall have fired the greatest number of shots and killed the smallest number of rabbits. " 2. Since one of the chief duties of the members of Ibis society consists in propagating, by their own proper examples, the principles which they proiess touching the respect due to animals, they pledge themselves individually to sentence themselves to fines, graduated according to the gravity of the cause, — so much for forgetting to feed their dog at the regular hour ; so much for trending on pussy's toes, and double the sum if it happens to be her tail, &c, &c, &c. - 3. " Seeing that, without pigs, a state of nonentity is the ultimate condition and fate of all bacon, ham, black-pudding and sausages ; seeing the important part which these various eatables play in human alimentation, — this society, desirous of reconciling the interests of pork-butchers with the rights of a not less interesting animal, hereby offers a prize of three hundred francs to the author of the best treatise on the art of killing pigs without making them squeal." 11 What is your opinion, my dear, of these respectable gentlemen whose eloquence you have just been listening to ?" was Madame de Simplenville's question to her husband as soon as the meeting was dissolved. ••■"'• v ' • " My opinion, Goody, is, that the monkeys are a great deal more amusing." IX. Notwithstanding M. de Simplenville's irreverent opinions, he was obliged to practise all the duties, and participate in all the privileges, of the aforesaid Philobestial Society. And since Goody. "who had been seized with the crotchet that her husband should remain a nobody no longer, was not a woman to take half-measures, before long there was not a benevolent, industrial, or learned society to which he did not belong in some shape or other. In this way M. de Simplenville soon found himself at once president of the Society of Utilitarian Botanists, instituted for the amelioration of the conditions of the colossal cabbage, the monster beet-root, and the phenomenal carrot ; secretary to a joint-stock company which had secured the patent of an invention whose basis consisted in doubling the superficial area of land by raising artificial mounts all over its surface ; reporter to a society for the propagation of sound literature, the object of which was the exclusive publication and distribution of the works of its members, —all writers of equal ability and industry ; and, lastly, questor to a temperance society, founded for the suppression of drunkenness, —the test required to be admitted a member consisting in swallowing four bottles of wine and an equal number of glasses of absinthe, without manifesting the slightest unsteadiness of body or mind. But all the while that Madame de Simplenville was in ecstasies at seeing her husband hold so high a position— if not in society, at least in societies,— the poor man himself fell into a deplorable state. What with presiding over the meetings, the summing up of the reports, the keeping of the registers, and the classification of documents, his time was filled to such a degree that he had not a moment to collect his thoughts. He was reduced to the state of an automaton. Nevertheless, an observer might have remarked that he occasionally ground his teeth, and looked desperately fierce, when he heard people say, " What a lucky fellow is M. de Simplenville ! What a capital thing it 13 to have a large fortune!" At such times he invariably muttered to himself, " What the deuce was I thinking about when I put into those horrid lotteries ?" X, One day M. de Simplenville said to Madame, 11 1 am harrassed, — worn out,- — morally as well as physically ; and I feel that I want to be sent out to grass, exactly like an old broken-down cab-horse. Ah, if I could only go into the country !" . , ! ■ " Good heavens ! I ought to have thought of that," exclaimed Madame de Simplenville. The idea never entered my head; and it is Easter week already, — the fashionable time for ruralizing 1 But it is impossible to bear everything in mind." She soon made the discovery and the acquisition of a country seat on the banks of the Marne, flanked by four pepper-box turrets, and known as the Chateau de la Jobardiere. which gave her the right of henceforth styling herself Madame de Simplenville de la Jobardiere. A gleam of joy illumined M. de Simplenville's woebegone countenance. " I shall get a little rest at last," he said, stretching himself in delight on the cushions of the carriage which bore him to his new domain. But, alas ! he must have been made of very primitive materials if he fancied that people v with sixty thousand francs' a year go into the country to breathe the morning air, to 101 lon the grass in the noontide" .shade, to live at their ease, and go to bed early,— in one word, to rest themselvM, As to 1 Madame do Sim* plenvllle da la tobardl6tt) dho wAft richly endowed with evtry inattngl of gentility, and vndmtoud tht principle* of country lift (To be continued),