WISE AND OTHERWISE.

Manawatu Herald, Volume III, Issue III, 6 August 1891, Page 4

WISE AND OTHERWISE.

Persons who, pick up a living — Miners. First-class securities — Handcnfis and time locks. The snake's tail, like a serial tale, is continued in their necks. Even in the dizzy waltz it is love that makes the whirled go round. " Do you wish to settle for that milk today?" "No; you can chalk it down. It will settle itself." :- Paradoxical as it may seem, debtors have to be "stirred up" before they will settle. Why does a man's hair turn grey before hfs moustache? Because it is about 20 years older. . „-. "' : :'^\- Algv (to sportsmen): "Which of you had the most sport out shooting to-day?" Hunter: " The rabbits." " That is a nice way to begin the week," s\s the man said when he was going to be hanged on Monday morning. *»«,.; .....'/r^-, A prhna facie case— When a clerk fe ac-| cusecL of being behind time there is something wrong on the face of it. "V •'••_ A baker has invented a new kind of yeast that makes his bread so light that a pound loaf weighs twelve ounces. : ■-.-.-. A philosopher who had married a vulgar Rirl used to call her "brown sugar," because,, he said, she was sweet, but unrefined. , Qlizz (fishing for sympathy) : "Do you suffer from neuralgia ?" Fizz (emphatically) : " Always when I have it." " Aue yon aParis-ite ?" asked the cholera bacillus. " No," replied the consumption bacillus ; " I'm a Germ-un." " I wonder what makes my eyes so weak," said Kobinson to Smith. "Why, they are in a weak place," said the other. "To live long," says Cicero, " it is necessary to live slowly." Telegraph messenger boys keep this saying pasted in their hats. Mr. Bullion (to his collector) : " How were you received at Neverpay ?" Sticker : " Very cordially ; I was asked to call again." " Do you believe in cures effected by the laying on of hands?" "I do. There is nothing like spanking to make a child behave itself." Tommy: "Paw, what was the name of that Greek god that was lame ?" Mr. Figg : " I believe I have forgotten. Lemme see. It wasn't Olympus, was it ?" An old salt, when asked how far north he had been, replied that he had been so far uoiLh that "the cows when milked beside a red-hot stove gave i:e cream." The custom of throwing an old slipper after a newly-wedded pair is of ancient descent, and is believed to have had its origin in the idea that marriage is a slippery kind of business. A farmer said : " One thing I dont like about city folks— they be either so stuck up that ye can't reach 'em with a haystack pole, or so blamed friendly that they forget to pay their board." .„ . >. 11 Does your wife play whist ?" asked one gentleman of another at a party. V No, but she plays a strong hand at poker," answered the gentleman, significantly rubbing the back of his head. An Irishman contentedly laid his head upon n large stone jar for a pillow and ' replied to one who inquired if it .was not rather hard—" Not at all, my jewel, for I have stujTed it with hay.".,,...,,,,. „ 4.. : "That's a very handsome picture," he observed politely to the artist, " What do you call it ?" •« That is a study from stiU life." "What is the name of it ?'},&" A Tramp at Work." \m>. r .*.fl>p^i» A wag who thought to have a joke at the expense of an Irish provision dealer, said : " Can you supply me with a yard of pork?" "Pat," said the dealer to his assistant, "give this gentleman three pigs' feet I" First fisher (on the right bank of the river) : " I say man, ha'e ye got| a bite yet ?" Second fisher (on the left bank, exactly opposite, rubbing his leg) : " Aye, I ha'e got a bite, but it wis frae the shepherd's dog." Old boy : " Young man, don't try to fly too high at first. Always begin at the I'Otiom and work up." Flippant youth: " That's all right if you want to climb a ; ladder ; but what if you want to dig a well ?" An annoying accident.— Sanso: "I want to liyy one of those unbreakable lamp chimneys you have advertised," Clerk : "I am very iorry, sir, but we accidentally got our svhole stock smashed this afternoon.'.'. ;: At a cricket match fo the * S6uth 'of England the field was remarkably bad, and, several easy catches having been missed,one player remarked to another: "There's an epidemic about, but it's not catching." " Whew !" sighed the umbrella ; " how I suffer! lam worn to a skeleton; and have had four of my ribs broken in a week." "Nonsense!" retorted the hat. -■& >• You suffer! Why, every night of . my life %is spent upon the rack." • : f , <-'* '>;.»«>' Judge: 'fOflScer, this witness says jthat you stood by and saw the whole affair, 'and never once made an effort to quell the ' disturbance. Why was that ?" Officer : " May It plaze your Honour they hiver ;.wance \ called for the pelace." .v# sSE^i A correspondent asks, " What time of <( year do the days begin to shorten?" *"When'i you have a note in bank. A bill in bank is • (he great annihilator of time. The days are crowded together in thin layers, .and the nights are like a smear from a blacking brushy.-. ;.■•'.■ „.■;■-• : v -,^" -^kM "A man paid 123. for a barrel of apples. He sold half of them for 10s., and the rest of them decayed on his hands. : How much did he lose?" asked the teacher. .."He didn't lose nothin'," bawled out a farmer's boy in the class ; "he worked 'em up into 1 cider."^- ■*••■-"■ ;■■*%s>. !| "Yotm luggage," said the hotel clerk, suspiciously, " has come apart. May I ask what that queer thing is ?" " This," said the guest, "is a new patent fire-escape. I always carry it, so in case of fire I can let myself down from the hotel window." "I see," said the clerk, thoughtfully. "Our terms for guests with fire-escapes are invariably cash in advance." *-. •■?■-%? " Now, Tom," said his sister, as they were coming home from a New Year's eve party, " I want you to begin the new year with the resolve to get out of debt. You must give up some of your expensive habits — now, won't you promise to give up at least one?" "Oh, I guess so," said Tom. "What shall it be?" said she, resolved to ■Mrije- while the iron was hot. "Buying tickets for you." . : ;" ; - a woman, in allusion to her headof her toque, her Tarn 0' her felt, her chip, her straw, her her Rembrandt, her Gainsborough, her sailor, her coalscuttle, her her crushed-strawberry, her carvelvet, her silk, her pongee, her her flap, her cap, her turban, her turn-down, her morning, her marketing, her visiting, her country, her seaside, her her riding, her boating, her tennis some 40 different kinds, and some 40 more — a man, though for years, makes use'of but terms— they are "bonnet" and