Page 4 Advertisements Column 6

Manawatu Herald, Volume III, Issue III, 28 July 1891, Page 4

SOMETHING TO BE THANKFULFOR! The hat was passed round in a certain congregation for the purpose of taking up a collection. After it had made the circuit of the church, it was handed to the minister, who had exchanged pulpits with the regular preacher, and he found not a single penny in it. He inverted the hat over the pulpit cushion and shook it, that its emptiness might be known ; then looking towards the ceiling, he exclaimed with great fervour, "I thank God that. I got back my hat from this congregation." THE VERDICT OF EXPERTS. " Fetch in the body," ordered- the foreman of a Texas coroner's jury. The body was laid. before them. -The jury made a careful examination, and questioned the' attending"sur geon. ' ' Whiar was he shot ? " ".Squara" through the heart," : " Dead in fhe centre o' the heart?" "Right in the centre." " Who shot him ? " " Jake Danjels." !; A doszen- witnesses declared, that. Jake fired \\ixs shot, and Jake himself admitted it. v "Tbe jury consulted softly for ■ Borne time. ' "Well, gentlemen of the jury," said the coroner, " what is your verdict ?" " Waali jedge, we've come tb tlie; conclusion: that Jake Daniels is the handiest ; shot in these parts, and don't you furgit it !" ' WHAT SHE SAID. I A respectable American gentleman went to the cars one day to see his favourite; daughter off. Securing her a seat, he passed out of the cars and went round to her window to say a parting word, as is frequently done 6n such occasions. While he was passing out, the daughter left the seat to speak to a friend, and at the same time a prim old maid took the seat and moved up to the window. Unaware of the important change inside, he' hurriedly put his face up to the window and said, " One : more kiss, ; sweeit pet !." In .mother instant the point of a cotton umbrella was thrust. from the window,' followed by' the passionate injunctiori, " Scat, you grey-headeyl wretch!" He scatted,'; • ;•■ ■.■'•■':. :■■■ , . • : , IRISH HUMOUR. ; An Irish recruit was asked by his officer, i f'AVUaf); ; \..ur hei«ht ?" To which Pat j ;rppl;ed, "ihcinau that nieasiued nic told i me that it was iive ioot ttn, or ten fpotfive; I'aniDot cNJu-tly sure which,, but it was ' eitliei one in ilie other." ! > " In Cork,", said O'Connell," I remember , the cri,t*r ti) mi/ to .d^perM.- the crowd-by exchiiiuiiiL', 'Alive blacl<, s iiards tliat. isn't lawyers tjuii'llic Cofirt.'" ' •■.■"■' ; " India, my boy, 1 ' sakl an Irwlrman to a friend on hi.-, aiiiv.-ilai Calcutta, '! isjist.the finest cli'iiaie under tbe sun : but a lot of "ancl"niey din ink and they eat,, and they clhrink and they die ; and then 'they \Vijte hc/iiies to their friends a pack o* lies; and say it's the \ climate as has killed them." | ' THE ORATOR. The. follorvii^ is the peroration ofa grand . effort .mad^, by ;i stump speaker d,e^irbui of re^reaciitin'f./li'Ki'.relliJu-ciiizens'iti.'Cpngress: Uas< grand, ida'y, slu-peudous':-- "Tinte is critical, blood's; goin 1 to be pouredlout like sqapsyds puten a wash tpb, and -every man thafs' got a soul as big as the white of a nigger's eye '11 file, bleed, and die for Ws country. • Them'sithe tiiues--j'ouwant men in councils ,Qi fhe Ratioh'. that- you can depend on— that's me! lilect me to, Congress, and I'll stick to you throhgh thick iind tliin 1 lifce* 'a' Naii tick 1 ' tb a nigger's shin ! 1 am not goin' to -make a electioneerin' Bpeefh).;.ii!d[sp^rn'/(:lie r act.- You know me — I've been fotched up among ye ; already Upon the wings of toplifted imagination, I Jancv I see you; niarchin' up to the poles in ralid phalanx," and with snouts that make ihe ear riny,' ' Hurriih for Jim Smith,' ,come dbwii on'my opponent like a thousand o' iirick on a rotten pumpkin!" i ; „ ' ,-,A FISHMONGER'S ADVICE. An anecdote worth lnu;liinpr over is told ■,>f a man wlio had an " iniirmity" as well as : n appetite for fish. He was paying his bill i.t his fi-shmpn-er's, and whilst the latter was hiakin^ it receipted, with his back turned, the ;li/in i .-.i I>n yet* slipped a codfish under, his conluil. Jtnt the .garments were 100 short tn cover up the' theft. "Now," ! aid the customer, "Mr. Salmon, I have Itadetl with you a t'ood deal, and I have laved you up promprly, haven't -I?" ''Oh, > t'.s.V \yas ili»*. reply, " limake no complaint." "Well," said the customer, " I always insisted I hat honesty was the best' policy, i nd the best rule to live by and die by." " lluU's- so," relied tlie fishmonger ; . and t lie' (Mistdincr turned to depart. " Hold on, friend,", .sujd' the. fishmonger ; "speaking of honesty, I have a bit of advice to give you. Whenever you come here again you'd better v.ear a longer coat or steal a shorter fish." A SLIGHT MISUNDERSTANDING. Some years ago a detachment of United ; States' Artillery was stationed at Hot. Springs, Arkansas, to protect the public fu-(>p£rty, the Supreme Court having decided' that Ihe springs belonged to the United States. One day one of the detachment fell ill, and was by the surgeon to "iake a hot bath, and drink the water"— meaning the sulphur-spring water. He went to one of the bath-houses, where a bath was prepared lor him, and was left to enjoy the luxury. After the usual time had elapsed,, the attendant went in to see how. he was getting along. He found the soldier sitting on the edge of the tub, much swollen about the waist; and with the water reduced about one half. The attendant asked him how he •■' was getting } along. The. soldier replied. " Pretty well. I enjoyed the bath; hut," he added, and a look of despondent determination settled upon his countenance, "1 ill be .hanged if I drink all that water, not even if they put me in the guard-house for it!", r ,",..;. • •■'". GLUE. PASTE, OR MUCILAGE: Lehner publishes the following formula for making a liquid paste or glue from starch and acid. Place five pounds of potato starch in six pounds of water, and add* 'one quarter pound of pure nitric acid. Keep it in a warm place, stirring frequently for forty-ei«ht hours. Then boil the mixture until it forms a thick and translucent substance. Dilute with. 'water, if necessary, and filter through 'a thick cloth. At the same time another paste is made, from sugar and :um Arabic. Dissolve five pounds gulm hrabicandone pound of sugar in five pounds of water, and add one ounce of nitric acid and heat to boiling. Then mix- the above with the starch paste. The resultant paste is liquid, does not mould, and dries on paper with a gloss.-' It is useful for labels, wrappers, and fine bookbinder's use. Dry pocket plue/ is made from twelve, parts of blue and five parts of sugar. The glue is boiled until entirely dissolved, the sugar dissolved in the hot glue, and the mass eva]Hirnt(d until it hardens on cooling. The hard substance dissolves rapidly in lukewarm water, arid is an excellent glue for use .on paper. \ ;.' k c : '.K .*'.'" '; . , An .old lady, whose grandson was about to proceed to* the Black Sea, among other parting admonitions, gave him strict injunction not to bathe in that sea, for she did not want to see him come back a nigger.