ORTHOGRAPHICAL CURIOSITIES.

Manawatu Herald, Volume III, Issue III, 23 June 1891, Page 4

ORTHOG RAPHICAL CURIOSITIES.

In Shawnce County, Missouri, dwells a postmaster whose system of making out returns to government is as unique as it is original. The i'ollowing is a verbatim copy of a certificate attached to one of bis returns: "I heareby cirtify that the four goin A, Ccunte is as neer Rite as i no how to make it if there is enny mistak it is not Dun a Purpers." The following; is a quotation as to a day's consumption of ale from the household account of the sixth Earl of Eglinton. Its date is Thursday, Nov. 26, 1646 : "To your lordship's morning drink, a pynt ; for my ladies' morning drink 1 pynt ; to your lordship's denner 2 pynts ; mair 3 pynts ; to the letter meal 2 pynts ; efter denner 1 pynt ; at four honres 1 pynt ; ane other pynt ; to your lordship's supper 3 pynts," &c. ' - \ The postmaster of a town in America has I received the l'cllowin^ letter, but has seen nothing of Rube. If this should meet bis eye, he will know lint he need absent him--1 tcif no lunger from his Ivlarlhy. -Aon.- She, ! writes : ' . •• j "blister Post o:Tis leaner! Respecked ! snr and kind frend I : " I'ieas rite mo a leUftr saying is there a m:i!i of llic name of Kciibsn Jinks, in your plase. II there is plesu rite me saying is he I n s.nalish man with one leg a mite shorter I than t'other ; dark compleckted and bawled j in a plase about the sise of a sosser on top of I his hed. His hare is a sanydish red, and he I nin't got no front teeth, and I doan't spose I the black and blew spots he had over /his 1 eyea when he left home is there yit, cause he knows that raw befstake allus. cures them. ■-■ ■■ Jfit'J ' " If Rube is th'are tell him to kum back home and behave hisself, and he kin^stay. Winter's comin on, and he ain't sense enpff to take keer of hisself in cold wether, and he ] kin come home and stay if he'll promiss.riot I to set hisself up as boss of this roost again, which he ain't, and can't be long as I'hr this side of glory. Rube is my busbun. Jie's a gritty kind of a little chap, but I'm mostly one too menny for him, ;-JRjte me saying is Rube there, and is be comin home to his m-• - •'. Marthy Ann. 1 ' ,■ • The following verdict was given • and written by the foreman of a coroner's jury, at a village 'in Canada : "We are of A Pinion that the Dec est met his death from. Violent Information in the Arm, producst •■ from Unoan Cauz." .-'.<..{ ,•«'>"# Jfc'H . A firm wrote to a Western piano dealer, ; who owed them money : "Dear Sir, — Will you be kind enough to send us the amount j of your bill ?— Yours truly." • To this the 1 firm received the following reply : " Gentlemen, — Your request is granted with pleasure; ! the amount oi my bill is five hundred and 1 seventy-five dollars. — Yours truly." ■ ?Q\ A country editor was made to write in) keenest humiliation of spirit on receipt of the following scathing criticism on the con- • duct of his paper by a subscriber: ■ .-.,•■ " Dear Sur, — I hereby offer my resignashun as a subskriber to your paper, it being a pamflet of sich small konserkence as not j to Benefit my family by takin of it. What I you need in your shete is branes an some ' one to russell up news and rite eddytoryalls i on live tqpicks. No menshion has been I made in your shete of me bucherin a poland I chiny pig weighin 369 punds, or of the gaps in the chikens out this way. You stenjusly ignore the fack that the tater bugs is eatin things up out here, an say nothin bout Hi j Simpson's durham bull carf breaking its 1 legs fallin down a well, or of grandma Sipes j havin the sore leges. Two important weddins i here has bin utterly igknored by your dish- ; clout of a shete, an a two-kolumn obitchuary writ by me on the deth of grandpa Henry was left out of your shete, to say nothin of a alfabetical poem beginnin with 'A is for Andy and also for Ark,' writ by ray darter. This is why your shete is unpopler here.'^lf you don't want eddytoryalls from this place and ain't goin to put in no news in your, shete we doan't want said shete. — Yourn in disgust, " Hiram Doaks. . ' " P.S. — If you prent that obitchuary in your next isoo I may sign again for your shete.— H,D." /^ The following bombshell has been ' discharged by a famous general, who received a polite letter, requesting an autograph and a lock of his hair : " The man who has been> writing my autograph is discharged, and.as my orderly is bald, I cannot comply with the second of your requests." .;-, < :--( i SJ'.f'4. The following laughable occurrence happened at a small town in Worcestershire : A printer having been applied to to print, a notice for closing the shops, &c, for the day of the Jubilee, by sonie mistake, purposely or accidentally made, the letter C was put in the place of S, which made it read>as follows : " Notice is hereby given that all the tradesmen have agreed not to open their Chops on Jubilee Day." This, of course, was an unlucky announcement for many when the roast beef and plum-pudding came in view. / - -■• .••-<rV- * '•' The following is a genuine copy of a letter from a churchwarden in Surrey to an antiquarian, well known, who had requested the loan of a brass monumental plate in his church, to make a drawing of it : " Sir,— l am sorry I can't be agreeable to what you ax me to do, but by the Canonicall laws, nobody must not presume to let nothing out of the Church, particularly the sacred utensils, under pain of blasphemy ; therefore, can't let you have the brass tombstone what you desire ; but you air v/elcom to come into the church and draw it as much as you plese. — I am, Sir," &c. A merchant being in want of a clerk, advertised for one, who, among other qualifications, must be able to bear confinement. He soon received an answer which terminated thus : "I am sertin I can bare confinement, haven been in jail sevin yeres, from which I am but just libberrated." A compositor out West having worked all night, and expecting double pay, presented the following bill : " Workin all nite, two, day? : a penny candle, tuppence."