AS YOU LIKE IT.

Manawatu Herald, Volume III, 14 April 1891, Page 4

AS YOU LIKE IT.

; A Newburg goat the other day devourcu an entire volume at one sitting. That's what you might call a regular swallow tale 'goat, A. professor says the world is growing larger, but we doubt whether it will ever be big enough to satisfy the schoolboy with his first pair of trousers and watch. • She was a sweetly inexperienced young housekeeper, as one may gather from her remark when someone suggested that she should purchase spring mattresses. " Yes," she said, " if they are in season we had better have one." , A Claim for Compensation. — " Why don't you work?" said Marivaux to a sturdy beggar who asked alms from him. " You seem strong and hearty." " Ah, yes," responded the mendicant, "but if you only knew how lazy I am." "Don't you think you have a good mamma, to spread nice pieces of bread-and-jam for you ?" said an old lady to a little boy who was enjoying his tea, " Yes," was" the reply ; "but she would be still better if she'd let me spread on the jam myself." An Altered Case.— A, young Indian widow, following the usage of her country, was about to burn herself together with the ashes of her deceased. " You go to rejoin the spouse you have lost." said the priest encouragingly. "What," said she, "to rejoin my husband? In that case I shallremain where I am." A recent advertisement containg the following: — " If the gentleman who keeps the shoe-store with a red head will return the umbrella of a young lady with whalebone ribs and an iron handle to the slate-roofed grocer's shop, he will hear of something to njs advantage, as the same is the gift of a deceased mother now no more with the name engraved upon it. , • Landlord to f ENANj.i— •' Gqofl morning, just called round trfsfe if it would be convenient to settle your quarter's rent, sir." "Tenant — "Did, eh?" Do you know, landlord, that none of the,- doors in this house will shut ?" Landlord—" New house, sir , New house, you know ; takes time to settle." Tenant—" Ah, then there's a pair of us. I'm a new tenant ; It takes time for me to settle, too. Good morning.. Call again." .', ",/"•■ ;-^-O j>-'\ -' -■ ! Tom Stokes, half tight, went to the shop for a shave. As no one was in, he sat down and was soon sound asleep. A wag came lit, made a clean shave of Tom's head, took a wig from the shop case, put it on, and left him to his nap. Tom woke, put on his hat, and went home to bed. It the night the wig came off, and next morn his wife saw a bald head. " There !" said she, " I knew how it would be, Stokes. Your brains went long ! since ; now your hair has gone as well," i A writer in a juvenile magazine lately • gathered a number of dictionary words as defined by certain small people, of which tho ■ following are probably genuine ; — "Dust— [ Mud, with the juice squeezed out. Fan — A I thing to brush warm off with. Ice— Water i that stayed out in the cold and went to sleep. ! Monkey — A very small boy with a tail. Pig '—a hog's little boy. Salt— What makts (.your potatoes taste bad when you don't put (any on. Wakefulness — eyes all the time coming unbuttoned." A Curious Twist.— A labourer who was [employed at a building in course of erection '• in the town of G found, on getting up one ; morning, that he had slept too long. He put ( on his clothes as quickly as possible, but in 'his hurry he put the back of his trousers to ftne front, put his belt round them, and went away to his work without discovering his • mistake. On taking a "hod "of bricks up .'the ladder he missed his footing, and feu (with a crash to the ground. Some of the i workmen, hearing the noise, came running [up, and, lifting him to his feet, enquired if the was much hurt, and he, looking down and seeing his trousers, replied, " I think I'm no much hurt, but I've got a terrible twist." |. False Rumour. — Rossini had laid a .ivager ; it doesn't matter what it was about, but the stake was a turkey with truffles. [His adversary lost, but was in no hurry to [pay. Rossini met him one day and said — I," Well, what about that turkey?" "Ah! jthe tuffles are not in season just now." I" Nonsence," said the maestro, " 'tis the [turkeys that have spread that report." f- A Revised Version. — "What do you j think of our cathedral ?" asked a Parisian of a countryman whom he met coming out of. Notre^Dame. "It is very fine," was thY reply, '" but a thought occured to me whilst I 1 was there during the service, and it waa jthat the choir should make a slight alteras tion in their liturgy. Instead of saying— • Lord, have mercy on us^miserable sinnsrs f they should say — -' Lcfd, have mercy on us, 'miserable singers !' " ; One day, before breakfast, Mrs Bates had Ijeen showing. Her new "servant girl how to cook some sausages, and after seeing them carefully dished, left the kitchen, telling Betsy to bring them to table along with the tea. The tea was brought but the sausages were not to be seen. " You have forgotten the sausages," said Mrs Bates. " No, please ima'anv; You said I was ; to bring them in I with the tea. "So she had. They were in .the teapot. I Absolution. — An audacious thief whilst jon his knees in the confessional^ filched the watch of the priest to whom He was' confessing. "Father," said he, "I steal." •• What, my son." Father, I have stolen (the watch was now in his pocket) t but I would restore. To you, father, would I give back what I have stolen." "It isn't to me that you should restore, but to him from whom you stole." "But, father, he from whom I stole won't have it." " Ah, well, you may (keep it yourself. 1 Quits.— A pastry cook whom a poet had praised hufhlv for his ; akiU m cookeryv in some verses "££ bad written, wished tarS-" i ward him for his compliment by presenting 'him with a cake. The poet found, however, [that the paper at the bottom of the cake was mart of his poetical. production, and went in I a rage to complain of this insult. " Why jdo you reproach me ?" said the cook. "We Jare quits now ; for you made your verses on |my cakes, and I make my cake upon your verses. It Worked. — "Here y'are now; two packages for twopence!" yelled a seedylooking envelope-pedlar in Holborn. "Here y'are, this way, two packages for a penny;!" howled another envelope-pedlar, almost hustling his fellow-merchant off the pave.-/ ment. Women out shopping noted the difference in prices, and soon bought out the two-for-a-penny man, Then both pedlars rdriftcd round the corner, and the one who [had sold no envelopes divided lijs stock with [tho other, remarking, with a chuckle, " It ■ works bee-utifully, old pal, don't it ?" f In the north of Lanarkshire lived a wallknown character of the name of Sandy B— — , whip lived in a turf house.lthe roof oi j which was badly in need of repair. This. . however, Sandy was too lazy to do, and on I a wet day the neighbours used to laugh at ! Sandy, who sat insids with an old umbrella [ over him to keep off the rain, which came in Iby several holes iii the roof. " Man, Sandy." ; said a neighbour to him one wet day, " ycu should mend the roof; you might as well hae a big riddle for a roof as that." •• Toots, man," said Sandy, "it's far ower wet to Pid tha* roof the day, and on a dry day "• • M good a houci m onybody."