AS YOU LIKE IT.

Manawatu Herald, Volume III, Issue III, 9 April 1891, Page 4

AS YOU LIKE IT.

li Don't always judge by external appear* anccs. An unpaid wash bill will make one's pocket bulge out as much as a £ioo note. Tickkt Collector (to very seedy-looking individual just getting into first -class carriage :•" First-class, sir ?" Seedy passenger (gaily) : " Yes, thanks. How's yourself ?" GEOROE ; " How is your suit witb Miss Pc Pink progressing?" Jack: "Finely. When I call now her dog wags its tail." Dkforic election the candidate finds your button hole almost as useful a thing to hang on as he afterwards finds the pigeon-hole into which he stows your requests. " llvi'notism is a great thing. I can hypnotise anyone, and what I desire the subject to do he does." "Look here, professor." said a little tailor in the audience, " I'll give you io per cent on all the money you can hypnotize out of my customers." Salve — Sweet creature : " Have you anything nice you can recommend me to mt on my lips ?"— Smart store salesman ffla peating) : " Lips madam ?" [But it soundW so like an answer that she blushed.] I trust your son has not taken it." — Mrs Mulroony : " Not he, sir! He wouldn't take anything that didn't belong to him. Ag uonester boy never broke bread." t Almost Incredible Simplicity— London^ cousin: "I'll tell you what!— we will go shopping."— Country cousin: "But I don't want to buy any thin* UWCO^fV^Hf SP "My dear! how iII&BUMGpQ&t vvhere fhe pleasure comes ml" Dis-i i.kssed young mother, travelling with weeping infant : " Dear, dear, I don't know what to do with thisbaby." Kind an(l|Tl^^nTijf^al|el6r' in next seat : " Madfjn.fsjlDfc.rjrfw the window for you ?" Young Lady : "Is this seat engaged, »ir?" i Freshy : " No, miss ; it is like myself, dis- j jngaged." Young Lady : " Oh, then, it should be sat ♦•Should women make love?" In, the name of Dan Cupid, Why should not the dears, if they like, any day ? Is there one spot on earth where a man, the " great stupid ! " Is able to make it as sweetly as they ? No Horse Sense.— Nellie (sympathetically) : " You poor dear— what a narrow escape ! And what startled the horse ?" Gussie (indignantly): "Well, you know. Will was just helping me out of the trap, and the stupid horse could not tell the difference between a good-night kiss and a signal to start, and he just started. Some horses have so little sense." tied these two rockets to his handkerchief, and filled his pockets with squibs and crackers and things." [Applies match ' and retires.] — Pater : " Nonsense, Maria I Hooray ! the guy will soon be burned to smithereens! Do you know, dear, there's something contagious in the gaiety of children. I feel quite eelevated!— — vated ! " [Finishes sentence in mid-air. Alarms, excursions.] " Your father refuses to consent to our union ?" "He does, Harold." " Nothing seems to be left for us, then, exrept elopement ! Do you think. Myrtle," said the young man, swallowing a sob, " that you could leave this luxurious home, forfeit all the enjoyments of wealth, banish yourself forever from your parents' hearts, and with a poor young man enter a home of life-long poverty ?" " I think I could, Harold." " Then you are not the practical girl I have always taken you to be," said Harold, with deep dejection, as he rose up wearily and reached for his hat. War Averted. — " If you jab that umbrella in my eye again, as you have done twice already," said the man in the brown overcoat fiercely, " you'll get a broken head I" " It's as much your fault as mine," retorted the man in the grey ulster. "If you^, want to kick up any fuss about it just begin./ I'm insured for £5 a week, in the Self-Pro-tective Mutual Association,' and I'm achiagv "for a brpfcerfKead.'* The man in the brown overcoat looked fixedly at the other. Evidences of a severe mental conflict were visible in his face. At last he spoke. " You're safe," he said t >Z'nraa Agent for that company. Death-ball ; or, \N?w JNAMS. FjOH-JT, — Yesterday the celebrated MfdlanJJrSpine-spliuci-s met the Ribcracking Rovers at the prepared Ambulance grounds recently opened in conjunction withthe local County Hospital. A large staff of medical men, supplied with all the necessary surgical appliances, were in attendance. Play commenced effectively/, ;RoveJss keefcUSg^thej ball well before them; wfrh-only sc&w "broken arms, a dislocated thigh, and a fractured jaw or two. Later, however, affairs moved more briskly, one of ithe^Spinejsplitfer forwards getting the bM!-\velVdbwn to* goal; but, being met with " opposition," he was carried senseless from the field. A lively scrimmage followed, amid> general o/acjkjng of ribs and snapping of spines. The field now being covered with wounded, the police Interfered, and the play terminated in a draw. A Tragedienne and the Mosquito.— Acting Juliet in semi-tropical localities has its inconveniences, as Miss Adelaide Neilsqn discovered^ whes yifa/tfcM&£ffl part of the unfohilnate> Sftiign^rHdf'tne 1 house of Capulet at New Orleans. In the version acted by MissNeilsoa* Jilomeo&nnt open the door and Jd^KMinselh Before Juliet had revived, the *ttoOß Ming*tiit the young lady had to lie for some time, dark and stiff, in full view of the audience. One night, in the "Peliqan,.City f " sh&Atas thus stretched beneath itlia\vHHo- sAtnfbowlet, and Romeo was raving at the side of the stage, when " beeeing— beeeing— beeeing," a mosquito whizzed round__her face, file actress blew at it sideways and attempted to blow it away " Beeeing— beeeing," the little beast came back again, and tried to settle on Miss Neilsqa'i c ne^e,.ri'sMips} NeUsdn? twitched the attacked organ, and the intruder started off, but returned eager for the fray, and placed itself 'this time on Miss Neilson's cheek, luckily on the side not seen by ,the aud^encjfc! ;,. JO* #eite*t #»>^jro drew up the hand which was hidden from the auditorium, and managed^, by a dq»pairing effort, moment&^y^ftfcftP lterimfbf the bloodthirsty little fiend. Aiseconl&sfman actress's nose is a most delicate and valuable property, and when- it is disfigured by the swelling resulting from a mosquito's stir.g it will spoi}. an otherjjfisermosfepretty f:ice There is ho help fdftt, and tße dead iuliet, to the amazement of the audience, it herself a tremendous' s'mSclf. The effect i wa.; startling, but at the same time beneficial, for that mosqjuito 4j^, tbje iogloirloati death it well deserved.