MR DOOLEY ON THE TRANSVAAL.

Marlborough Express, Volume XXXIV, Issue 5, 6 January 1900, Page 1 (Supplement)

MR DOOLEY ON THE TRANSVAAL.

(By F. P. Dunne, m the S. F. Examiner.)

'It looks like war/ said Mr Hennessy, who had been glancing at the flaming headlines of an evening paper over Mr Dooley's shoulder.

1 It always does,' said Mr Dooley, 'since the Czar iv Rooshia inthra-i jooced his no fight r i?olution, tbey'se( been no chanst that they wuddent be ructions.' I •An* what's it a'l about?' de-i manded Mr Hennessy. «I can'tj make head nor tail iv it at all, at all/ 1 Well, ye see 'tis this way,' said! Mr Dooley. 'Ye see th' Boers ia a simple, pasthral people that goes! about their business m their own! way; raisin* hell with ivrybody.; They was bor-rn with an aversion to'i society, an* whin th' English come they lit out befure thim, not likin* their looks. The English kept comin', an' th 1 Boers kept movin' till they cudden't move army further without bumpin' into Kitchener's ar-rmy, an' tbin they settled down an 1 cays they, "This far shall we go," says they, bein' a rellijous people, " an* divvle th' shtep further." An' they killed off th' irrelijous naygura aa' started m f'r to raise cattle. An 1 at night they'd set outside iv tbeir dorps, which, Hinnissy, is Dutch f'r two-story brick house an' lot, an' sip their laager an' swap horses an' matoh texts fr'm th* Bible f'r th 1 seegars, while th' ohildher played marbles with dimons as big as th' end iv ye'eve thumb.

t Well, th' English heerd they was goold be th' bucket m ivry cellar fc'm Oopencoff to Doozledorf, whioh, Hinnissy, is like New York an' San F.anoiseo, bein' th' exthreme pines m th' oounthry, an 1 they come on m gr'reat hordes, sturdy Anglo-Saxons fr'm Saxony, th' Einsteins an' Heidlebacks an' Werners, an' whin " they'd took out goold enough so's they needed raycreation they wanted to vote. ' An, says Joe Chamberlain, he cays, ' Be hivins, they shall vote,' he says. « Is it,' he says, • possible that at this stage iv th' world's progress,' he cays, ' an English gintleman shud be denied, 1 he says, c th' right to dhrop off a thrain army where m th' o vilised wurrul an' cast his impeeryal vote ?' he says, • give them the franchise,' he says, or be this an' be that 1 he says, • f'r we have put our hand to th' plow,' he says, an' wo will not turn back,' he says. 'Kruger, that's th' main guy iv' th' Dutch, a fine man, Hinnissy, that looks like Casey's goat, an, has many i iv th' same peoulyarities,' he says. 1 All r-right,' he says, ' I'll give thim th' franchise,' he says. ' Whin ?' says Joe Chamberlain. 'In me will,' says Kruger. ' v\ hin I die,' he says, • an' I hope to be a hundred if I keep on smokin' befure breakfast,' he says. • I'll bequeath to me frinds, th' English, or such iv them as was here befure I come, th' inalienable an 1 lacred right to demand fr'm me succissor th' privilege iv electin' an aldherman,' he says. ' But,' he says, I m th* manetime we'll lave things th' way they are,' hhae a says. • I'm old,' he says, 'an' not good-lookm',' he says, • an' me clothes don't fit an' they may be marks of food on me vest,' he says,^ • but I'm not more thin half orazy an army time ye find toe givin' anywan a chansfc to vote me into a jobdhrivin' a mule an' put m an English prisident iv this raypublic,' he says, 'ye may conclude that yer Unole Paul needs a guarjeen, 1 he says. "■« Far be it fr'm me to suggest army Dutpeaoefulmeasures,' says Sir Alfred Milner, that's th' lad they have down m Africa, th' Injun agent, f'r th' English an' Dutch should worruk together like brothers, f'r th' removal iv th' naygur popylation,' he says, ■f but,' he says, 'as a brother I politely suggest to ye that if ye don't give us what we want we'll hand ye a fraternal punch,' he says. ' F'r,' he says, ' we have put our hand to the plow,' hesays, ! an' we cannot turn back,' he say 3. 8 What Sir Alfred Milner says is fthrue,' cays Lord Selborne an' what fch* diwle he has to do about it 1 dinpaw. ' Th' situation is such,' he says, 'as to be introl'rable to a silfjayspictin' Englishman,' he says. • Wat a crime,' he says, ' that th' men who ar-re takin' most iv th' money out iv th' counthry ehud not be allowed to stick m any iv th' votes,' he says. 'We have, as Shakespeare gays, put our hand to the plow, 1 he says, ' an' we cannot turn back,' he tfays. ' I agree corjally with th' noble |ord on th' r-red lounge abaft me, g&jg Lord Salisbury. 'With th' echoes at me own noble sintiments on th' peace proclamation iv me good frind, th' Czar pf Rooshia, still ringin' m me ears,' he says, • it wud ill become me to speak of force,' be Bays. ' I wuid on'y say that if th' Transvaal raypublio wud rather have ft Dum-dum bullet m its turn-turn thin grant to Englishmen th' r-rigbt to run th* governmint, thin th* Transvaal raypublic '11 have both,' he fays. I 1 will add,' he says, ' that we have »u|fe opr hand to th' plow an' we will pot turn back,' he says. < Well, sir, 'twas up to Kruger. an' he knocked th' ashes put iv his pipe on his vest, an' says he, •« gjntlemin,' he says, ' I wud like to do me best to accomydate ye,' he says. « Nawthin ghort iv a severe attack iv sickness wud please me so much as to see long lines iv Englishmen marchin' up to th' polls and depositin' the ballots g,gin m i'r prisidint,' he says. ' But,' he sayß, • I'm &n old man,' he says. » I was ilioted young an 1 I've niver done anything since,' he says. ' I wudn't know what to do without it,' he says. ' What ye propose is to make" an ex-prisidint iv me. D'ye jhink at my age I wud be content to dash fr'm wan justioe court to another pleading f'r habyas corpus or "writs G! test me principles iv personal expansion iti .a Noo Jersey village ?' he says. ' I'd rathe* be a dead prisidint than a loive ex-presidjnt. If 1 have army pol-itioal ambition I'd rather be a Grant or a Garfield thin a Cleveland or a Harrison,' he says. 1 1 may've read it m th' Bible, though I think I saw it m a scand'lous book me frind Rhodes left m his bedroom las' time he called on me, that ye ahud niver discard an ace to dhraw a flush,' h.e cays. ' I deplore the language, but th' sjntimint is sound,' he says. An 1 I believe ye'er intintions to presarvo peace arrre honest, but I don't like to tea yo pullin' off ye£ coat, an' here goes f'r throuble whilt y'S bave yer arms m th' sleeves,' he says. >£V be says, 'ye have put ye'er hand to the reaper an' it oannot turn back,' he says, « An' there they go, Hmnisßy, I'm not agin England in^this thing, Hinnissy, and I'm not agin the Boers.

Like Mack, I'm divided on a matter iv principle between a desire to cement th' 'lieance an' an effeotion f'r the Dutch vote. But if Kruger had spint his life m a rale raypublio where they burn gas, he oud've settled the business without loosin' Bleep. If I was Kruger there'd've been no war.' ' What wud ye have done ?' Mr Hinnessy asked. * I'd given thim th' votes,' said Mr Dooley. •But,' he added, significantly, ' I'd do th 1 countin'.'