EXECUTIVE MINUTES.

Marlborough Express, Volume III, Issue 138, 3 October 1868, Page 5

EXECUTIVE MINUTES.

[From the Independent.'] [The Reporter who is engaged to report or mis report the proceedings of the Constitutional party for the Government, has accidentally thrown into our way a report of the following proceedings.] Scene—The Colonial Secretary’s Room. Present—Mr. Stafford, Colonial Secretary ; Mr. Hall, Postmaster - General; Mr. Richmond, Native Minister; and Col. Haultain, Defence Minister. They are engaged going through the Order Paper. Colonial Secretary in the chair. Postmaster-General writing, and taking very little notice. Native Minister eating a quill pen. Some trivial point on the Order Paper arises of which the Colonial Secretary takes advantage to deliver a long rambling essay. He refers to the separation of Queensland from New South Wales, the proposed disestablishment of the Irish Church ; Mr. Fox’s travels, which he says are of a very limited nature, he (Mr. Stafford) havingtravelled over at least fifty times more of the earth’s surface than Mr. Fox; the library of the British Museum ; his expectation of shortly being raised to the Peerage ; his refusal of the Governorship of Queensland ; a few confidential particulars concerning the Queen’s private life, and his (Mr. Stafford’s) intimate friendship with the late Prince Consort; (in reference to which Mr. Hall remarks in an undertone, “ the Prince cannot deny it;”) the culinary science especially concerning instructions in cookery which he (Mr. Stafford) gave to the late Alexander Soyer ; and finally, after one hour of this desultory talking, he comes to the subject of the last Derby Race. Mr. Richmond for a long while has been waiting for an opportunity of getting a word in. Here he thinks he sees a chance. Native Minister: Talking of Derby, should remind us that Lord Derby is now out of office as we may soon be. Mr. Stafford (furiously, like a wild animal deprived of her young) : What on earth Mr. Richmond has Lord Derby to do with our meeting here to-day. Mr. Richmond (in a humble, deprecating manner) : You yourself referred to the Derby race, and— Mr. Stafford; I deny it. I absolutely deny it. I deny referring to Lord Derby. I deny that there is such a race as the Derby. I deny that there is such a person as Lord Derby. I deny everything—now what do you say to that ? Mr. Richmond (very deferentially): It is no new doctrine —that everything, even our very existence, is an effort of the imagination. Many philosophers— Mr. Hall (suddenly, just having finished a memo): D—n your philosophers, Richmond.

Col. Haultain (thinks he sees a chance): So I say; you are always talking about philosophers and reading their books—nasty indecent books, I would not have them in my house; I got whipped at school for reading Aristotle, and jet you quote him sometimes. I think it would be much better if you would look after the Customs and stop the smuggling which is going on in Auckland.

Mr. Stafford (seeing they are all with him, in a patronising manner meant to be generous): I hope this will be a lesson to you Mr. Richmond; you have detained us just one hour and a half with remarks which had nothing whatever to do with the subject in hand. Mr. Richmond (murmurs to himself): ■\Vell this is no bed of roses ; yet it is something to be a member of the Government. I must put up with it. Knock at the door.

Enter Mr. Haughton in great haste, panting for breath. Mr. Stafford looks up severely. Mr. Haughton (addressing himself to Mr. Stafford especially, and each period marked by a little pant): I beg pardon, sir; for intruding, sir; but I think you will excuse me, sir; it is so important, sir; the committee which is framing the Government policy, sir; have just concluded, sir; they have taken £IO,OOO off Nelson, sir, because of Curtis, sir; and I think they are inclined to take off more, sir; because they say that Wells does not care about Nelson getting anything, sir; and they are going to give it to Marlborough, sir; Captain Kenny not being very satisfied, sir; and they say it is all nonsense giving anything to Otago, sir; because the Otago members who support the Government, sir, don’t care the least, sir, for their province, sir; quite the contrary, sir; and Mr. Carleton,

sir, wouldn’t have anything for Auckland, sir; he says he only wants to see it go to the dogs, sir; and, sir, Mr. Bunny sticks up for Wellington, sir; and Mr. Harrison, sir, is not contented, sir; and, sir, a deputation of Mr. Bunny, Mr. Carleton, and Mr. Cracroft Wilson, sir, are coming to see you, sir, to tell you what you are to do to-day; and may they come in now, sir. Mr. Stafford: Certainly; let them come directly—make haste, you lazy dolt, don’t stand panting there. Exit Haughton. To Col. Haultain : You had better go, Haultain ; you know we have abolished you. Colonel Haultain goes out at one door, as Mr. Carleton, Mr. Cracroft Wilson, and Mr. Bunny enter at another. Mr. Stafford rushed to Mr. Carleton, and putting both arms round his neck, embraces him. Mr. Richmond does the same to Mr. Bunny. Mr. Hall prepares to do the same to Mr. Wilson, hut sees he cannot reach him ; and so he draws back a step, and making a spring, succeeds in twining his arms round Mr. Wilson’s neck, clinging with his legs round Mr. AVilson’s knees. Air. AYilson very unceremoniously dislodges him, and carefully wipes his whiskers with a large pocket handkerchief. Mr. AATlson: Master Johnny, never you attempt that again—it is a liberty, sir, I would not allow my own children. Don’t you suppose, Mr. Stafford, I come here to be soft-sawdered —I will just tell you my mind. lam disgusted with the Government and everything it does. I support you just because I know you are working towards doing away with the provinces, and not because I at all believe in you. My sympathy is altogether with the Opposition, but a long residence in India has taught me that one must sometimes use questionable tools to work out a purpose, and that is why you will have my vote, and for no other reason. You remember, sir, three years ago, I shook my fist at you, and told you I had a character to lose, and would not be in your position for £5,000 a-year. I am just of the same mind now. The brave, old veteran then shook his fist at each of the members of the Government, lingering a little over the Colonial Secretary, turned round and left the room. Mr. Carleton : Stafford, you are not hurt. Mr. Stafford : Carleton, I thought you knew me better. Por the good of the country I would bear fifty times more, so long as he votes with us. How often have I to tell you that we will do anything our followers wish if they will only agree amongst themselves ? You know (turning to Bunny) I have told you, Bunny, you may jump on me, dance on me, sit on me, so long as you support me. Mr. Bunny (jubilantly): lam quite aware of it, old boy; and you can’t deny, Staff, that I have used my privilege during the session. Mr. Stafford glares and rings the hell. Enter Mr. Haughton. Mr. Stafford: Have you made out the list I instructed you to do ? Mr. Haughton: Sir, I am very sorry—please, sir, it is not my fault, sir, I work * hard, sir, but as fast I seem to satisfy one member, sir, another appears doubtful, sir, and I have to button-hole all day, sir, and I will do it to-night, sir. Mr. Stafford: Ho more of these pitiful excuses. You lazy rascal, you don’t half do your work. Don’t let me have to speak to you again. Begone! will you—you’ll come to no good. Mr. Haughton whimpers and retires. Mr. Stafford : That Carleton is my refuge: when anyone annoys me, I pay out Haughton for it. Mr. Bunny: Yes, Staff; but I won’t have it. Haughton is a friend of mine, and I won’t have the lad ill-used. Mr. Stafford: I quite forgot. Bunny, I humbly beg your pardon. Kings, and Mr. Haughton enters. I am very sorry, Mr. Haughton, that I spoke like that to you just now ; pray overlook it. Mr. Haughton : Thank you, sir ; it does not matter, sir. Indeed I try to do my duty, sir. They embrace, and Mr. Haughton retires. Mr. Carleton advances to the table, and commences a long speech, folding his arms. [Here the reporter was called away. He returned after two hours, when a singular spectacle presented itself—only Mr. Carleton and Mr. Stafford were in the room, each seemingly unconscious of the other’s presence. Mr. Carleton, still at the table with arms folded, was addressing a picture of Dr. Eeatherston at the other end of the room, in a mixture of languages, in which Greek, Arabic, and Hebrew were chiefly distinguishable. Mr. Stafford, with his hands in his pockets, in a monotonous tone, was trying to persuade a box of steel pens and a small bottle of red ink, which stood on the table, that he (Mr. Stafford) should be made Lieutenant-Governor of Auckland. The reporter left them speaking.]