THE EDITOR'S GUESTS.

Mataura Ensign, Volume 7, Issue 407, 7 November 1884, Page 6

THE EDITOR'S GUESTS.

The Editor sat in his sanctum, his countenance furrowed with care. His mind at the bottom of his business, his feet at th« top of a chair, His chair-arm an elbow supporting, his right hand upholding his head, His eyes on a dusty old table, with different documents spread ; There were thirty long pages from Howler, with underlined capitals topped, And a short disquisition from Growler, requesting his newspaper stopped ; There were lyrics from Gusher, the poet, concerning sweet flow'rets and zephyrs, And a stray gem from Plodder th". farmer, describing a couple of heifers ; There were billets from', beautiful maidens, and bills from a grocer or two, And his best leader hitched to a letter, which enquired if he wrote it, or who 1 There were rapturer of praises from writers of the weekly mellifluous school, And one of his rivals last papers, informing him he was a fool ; There were several long resolutions, with names telling who they were by, Canonising somes harmless old brother, who had done nothiug worse than to die ; There were traps on that table to catch him, and serpents to sting and to smite him, There were gift enterprises to sell him, and biters attemptin to bite him ; There were long staring "ads " from the city, and money with never a one, Which added, " Please give this insertion, and send in your bill when you are done"; There were letters from organisations — > their meetings, their wants and their laws — ' Which said, "Can you print this announcement for the good of our glorious cause ?" There were tickets inviting his presence to festivals, parties, and shows, Wrapped in notes with " Please give us a notice" demuredly slipped iv at the close. In short, as his eye took the table, and ran o'er its ink -spattered trash, There was nothiDg it did not encounter, excepting perhaps it was cash. The Editor dreamily pondered on several ponderous things, On different lines of action, and the pulling of liifferent strings ; Upon some equivocal doings, and some equivocal duns ; On how few of his numerous patrons were quietly prompt-paying ones; On. friends who subscribed " just te help him," and wordy encouragement lent, And had given him plenty of counsel, but never had paid him a cent ; On vinegar, kind hearted people were feeding him every hour, Who saw not tho work they were doiDg, but wondered that " printers are sour;' On several intelligent townsmen, whose kindness was so without stint That they kept an eye on his and told him just what he should print ; On men who had rendered him farours. and never pushed forward their claims, So long as the paper was crowded with " locals " containing their names ; On various other small matters, sufficient his temper to roil, And finely contrived to making the blood of an editor boil ; And so one may see that his feelings could hardly be said to be smooth, And he needed some pleasant occurrence his ruffled emotions to smooths. He had it ; for lo 1 on. the threshold, a slow and reliable tread, And a farmer invaded the sanctum, and these are the words that he said : " Good-mornin," sir, Mr Printer; how is your body to-day ? I'm glad you're to home ; for your fellers is al'ays a runnin' away. Your paper last week want so spicy nor sharp as the one week before ; But I s'pose when the campaign is opened) you'll be whoopin' it up to 'em more. That feller that's :printia' "The Smasher'! is goin' for you pretty smart ; And our folks said this mornin' at breakfast they thought he was ge'ttin' the start, But I hushed 'em right up in a minute, and said a good word for you : I told 'em 1 believed you was tryin' to do just as weJl as you knew ; And I told |'em that someone was saying, and whoever 'twas it is so, That you can't expect much of no one man, nor blame him for what he don't know, But, layin' aside pleasure for business, I've brought you my little boy Jim ; And I thought I would see if you couldn't make an editor outen him. " My family stock is increasing while other folks' seeni to run short, I've got a right smart of a family— it's one of the old-fashioned sort ; There's Ichabod, Isaac and Israel, a-trorking 1 away on the farm— i They do 'bout as much as one good boy, and make things go off like a charm. | There's Moses and Aaron are ely ones, aad slip like a couple of eels ,' \ But they're tol'able steady in one thing— they al'ays git round to their meals. ° There's Peter is busy inventing' (though what he invents 1 can't see), Arjd Joseph. is studin' medicine and both of then boardin' with me. There's Abram and Albert is married, each workin' my farm for myself, And Sam smash 'd his nose at a shootin', and so he is laid on the shelf. The rest of tho boys are all jjrowin', 'cept this little runt, which is Jim, And I thought that perhaps I'd be makin' an editor outen o' him., "He ain't no great shakes for to labour, though I've laboured with him a good deal, 6 And give Hrn some strnppin." good arguments I know he coulun't help but to feelBut he's built on* of second growth timber, and nothin' about him is big. Exceptin' his appetite only, anil there he's a 8 good as a pig. " 1 keej> him a-carryin' luncheon.?, and fillin' and bringin 1 jugs, And take him among tho pertatoes, and set him to pickin' the bugs ; And then there is things to be doin' nhelpin' the women indoors ; There's churnin 1 and washin' of dishes, and other descriptions of chores ; But he don't take to nothin' but victuals, J and he'll never be much, I'm afraid. So I thought it would be a good notion to laru him the editor's trade, Hia body's too small for a farmer, his judgm ent is rather too slim, But I thought we perhaps could be makin' an editor outen o' him ! •It ain't much to get up a paper— it wouldn't take him long for to learn ; 'He could feed the machine, I'm thinkin' with a good strapping follow to turn. And things that was once Jaard in doin', is easy enough now to do *; Just keep your eye on your machinery, and crack your Jarrangements right through, I used for to wonder at readin', and where it was got up, and how ; But tis' most of it made by machinery— J can see it all plainly enough now, And poetry too, is constructed b>y machines, of different designs, Each one with a gauge and a chopper to see to the length of the lines ; Anl I hear a New York clairvoyant is runnin' one sleeker than grease, And (I'Tehtin' her heaven born produotions at a couple of dollars a.piece ; An' since the whole trade has growed. easy, 'twould be easy enoueh I've a whim, , i If you was agreed, to be makin' an editor outen of Jim!" The Editor sat in his sanctum, and looked the old man in the eye, Then glanced at the grinning young hopeful, and mournfully made his reply ; "Is your son a small unbound edition $ Mosea and Solomon both ?

Can he compass his spirit with meekness, and strangle a natural oath ? Can he leave all his wrongs' "tbT the future, and carry his heart ■id his cheek 7 Can he do an hoar's work in a minute, and live on sixpence a week f Can he cotuteously talk to an equal, and browbeat an impudent dunce ? Can he keep things in apple-pie order, and do half-a-dozen at once ? * ; Can he press all the springs of knowledge, with quick and reliable tonch, And be sure that he knows how much to know, and knows- how to not know po much 7 „."'. Does he know , how. to spur up his virtue, and put a check rein on his pride f Can he carry a gentleman's manner within a rhinocerous' hide ? Can he know all, and do all, and be' all, with cheerfulness, cournge,and rim 7 If so we perhaps can be makin'- 'an editor 'outen of him,'" ' The farmer stood curiously listening, wbile wonder his visage o'erspread ; And he «iid,"Jim, I guess we'll be goin,t; ho's probably out of his head." But lo I on the rickety stair-case, another reliable tread, And entered another old farmer, and these are the words that he said : 'Good morning, sir, Mr Editor, how is the folks to-day ? 'I owe you next year's paper ; I thought I'd come in and pay. And Jones is agoin' to take it, and this is his money here ; I shut down on lendin' it to him, and coaxed him to try it a year. And here is a few little items that happened last week in our town ; I thought they'd look good for the paper,Jand so I just quoted 'era down. And here is a basket of cherries my wife pick» ed express Jy for you ; And a small bunch of flowers from, Jennie;— She thought she must seni Bometbjn' too. You're doin' the politics bully, as all of oar family agree ; Just keep your old goose quill a-floppin and feive em.a. a good one:for me. And .now you are chuck full of ; business, ;and I won't be takin' your time ; I've things of my own I must ,tend te goqd < -clay, sir, I b lieve I willclimb.— " ' The JEditor sat in his sanctum and brought down his fist with a thump ; "God ble^s that old farmer" he muttered," he's a regular Editor's trump," And 'tis thus with our noble profession, ar^d thus it will ever be : still There are some who appreciate its labours," and some who perhaps .never will. But in the great time that is coming, -when loudly the trumpet will sound, And they who have laboured and rested shall come from the quivering ground ; When they who have striven and suffered to teach and ennoble the race, Shall march at the front of the column, each one in his God-given ; place, . .. Ab they pass through the gates of The City with proud and. victorious tread. • ■ . The editor, printer, and " devil/ will travel not far from the head. ; ".,'., — Will Car-Mon.