AN EYE FOR EVERYTHING

Mataura Ensign, Volume 7, Issue 396, 30 September 1884, Page 2

AN EYE FOR EVERYTHING

By Cyclop. We do not bear so much, about evolution now as we did a few months ago. The battle of the J.M.s and •• Hokouui's " and the others who periodically let off their surplus energy in writing to the papers, has been fought. But it has no been won. The very elementary defini tion of the word is sufficient to daunt the ordinary inquirer. Here it is : — " Evolution is progress from an incoherent, indefinite heterogeneity to a coherent, definite homogeneity." I should be obliged to anyone afliiefced with that fearful complaint cqcoethes $c?\hendi who will just put that in plain Christian English. No doubt our incipient Gore Gaelic Society would offer a large reward for the scholar who would put it in Gaelic. It would be a more indigestible morsel than " Neil." Dear Cyclop, — My uniocular brother,will you kindly explain to your numerous readers the umouut of opiates consumed and the nature of them necessary to contract your solitary pupil, pnd if they had anything to do with the extraordinary contraction pf. thfit pf its Internal grnfreye in, the, mental pptfc before ypu wr.qte two, q£ yp ; }r nptes in the Ensign's issue qf the 2^rd inst. I refer to the first two. The first of tb,ese relates to a letter from some young enthusiast who rightly is ambitious to reach the distinction that Afas Muller lilnckio attained, namely a thorough knowledge, of ih,e Gaelip language. success to him, buf I am afraid the teacher he speaks of must' have cpme'from someremp,te district of the Highlands where' only a wretched patois is Bpoken, for the word " Neil " he mentions has no existence in the language whatever, and if gutturals cause contortions of the face what a beautiful specimen of humanity an angry German must be when he gets into his acht, ichs, oehs, and vchs. And supposing " Neil "is a Gwtili wfli'd you are quite correct in saying that the' eil in'the word \b prqnounced qle. But you are entirely' wrong 'in stating the a Bfcould be loug. The fact is you make it ;is short as possible. In your next note you say that only a Highlander who snuffs can do it properly ; now, how many Highlanders snuff nowadays? Not one in a hundred ; nti 1 the Highlanders of to-day pronbunce flaejju as well as their forefathers, Who kre supposed to Jfave^be^ in veterate snuffers, though not so bad as the bloods and dowagers of London in the last > century. If y° u want S°°d nasat pronounciation why nob refer the word to your, friend Mister Gamp, of the 'Kaikoura Star, 'to whom you refer in your next note, who I tuppoge is like his immortal female namesake dispoged tq Sf,uff. la the verge whjcb, you giyp as a specimen of' Gaelic riot one of your pwn pomposition ? Now, confess to the sQtt impeach* '

ment. I know in the old, old days you were in the habit of dabbling in rhymes, though the family did not think much" of your juvenile attempt. However, unlike Chatterton, who only made one mistake in his imitations, I am sorry to say that you have made not a few. I only hope that after this attempt you will not in your despair on being discovered follow his example in another and worse direction. — I am, yours fraternally, Polyphemus. Gojte, 29th Sept,, 1884. I knew I had done it. I was certain vrhen I posted that note about Gaelic pronunciation* that I would draw a storm, on my head. But, you know, I never said " Neil " had any gutturals. If I were seriously asked how many Highlanders take snufE now-a-days, I I think I should answer "just as many as j pronounce Gaelic correctly." Because j the two things are correlative. I am much, obliged for the comparison with Chatterton, but I am not likely to comi mit the same fault as that youthful ! plagiarist — get found out. But when I j got to . the subscription " Yours fraternally," then I said — " The Lord hath delivered him into my hands." Polyphemus was the king of the Cyclops. It is true he smashed Acis with a rock, and that the Cyclops were afterwards smashed by Apollo because they made the bolt which killed But they were not all killed, and their descendant has emulated their fame and prefers his ale long. I obseeve that a Scottish doctor has, after twenty years' effort, perfected an instrument called the ammoniaphone. It is a long tube filled with a sponge, which is impregnated with some fluid that, inhaled to the lungs, imparts, to the voice a melody like that given by pure Italian 1 air. Its effect upon the respiratory and vocal organs is said to be wonderful. The lungs expand after a few inhalations, and the "patient " can speak or sing for hours with improved effect and without fatigue. All this is done by means of peroxide of hydrogen and ammonia. There has been a suggestion made tq apply this wonderful discovery to j the bagpipes. 1 There is only one objection to thia. .« The application of the gas is said to increase the range of notes producible. lam just afraid that if another couple of horse power were added to^ the highland instrument a long-suffering public would at length rise in rebellion and relegate it to its native oblivion along with the Pandean pipe. ' Thbsb modern attempts to civilise the Scotchman are, however, very gratifying. Now that we have an instrument to make his voice melodious, in addition to a surgical one to enable him to see a joke, ke may become tolerable after all. Ik- reply to the question recently put in your correspondence column as to how many of M'-Nab's turnips it takes to feed a cow, a " Solutionist " has sent me an . answer. He says " one if it is big enough " Now a, '■ gentlemen , who is capable of such profundity ought to be a professor of mathematics at the very least., There is a naive simplicity about the answer which is a sure indication of genius. If it were not profane to use slang in such a connection, I should say that: the energetic ministers . and others j who volunteered to teach the Bible in schools outside the regular curriculum in Dunedin have " funked." They found that the game was not worth the candle. All the little souls who came thirsting ' for salvation were from, religious homes. The dirty-faced majority who did not swallow the sugar-coated pill were the unregenerate. They did not turn up at school half an hour earlier. This is just what might have been expected. In my school days an invention for opening | school half an hour later would hare met ! universal juvenile approbation, but the other thing would be really too much to ] expect. Besides, the self-confessed failure only illustrates the real cause of it. If the lessons could be made attractive the attendance would soon be good enough. I am very much [afraid that ninety per cent of the clergy in their well meant attempts to get at the juvenile confidence only succeeded in manufacturing young Pecksniffs. Me Hatch horrible auditu, has beaten Mr Seddon, and with his own weapons. The description of weapon was that used by Samson, — the jawbone. This modern application of the Biblical lesson throws a new light on the chapter. Samson simply talked the Philistines to death and Mr Hatch retains the characteristics family development. An old story has been revived and attributed to Patara, one of the chiefs now at home with Tawhaio, or as he has been christened " Taffy." Patara said the missionaries taught them to pray, and to look to heaven while doing so. While the eyes of the noble savages were thus fixed above, those of the missionaries were fixed on the land, and when the prayers were finished the land was appropriated. This was a sly dig at Mr Spenca*, who has taken the Maoris in hand and has become a chaperone in a white tie interdicting aU th.c little pleasures, wb^ck were becoming SQ dear. \,q tb.e hearts of the party.

An old way to pay troublesome debts was ' practised in Invercargill tlie other day. A man was sued on a judgment summons, and, by his lawyer, pled that he had no means of coming to town. He therefore sought an adjournment. The suitor not unnaturally asked what guarantee he had that the defendant would com'o forward in a week: and pay <$xen. Tlia lawyer is rpjjorte^ to. h.aye said that, his client Yfould me 'h,i§ schedule during ■ the inter* yal.' The debt, was a small one — much less than the cost o£ filing." ..-His Worsliip, having no option,, gran^e.c^ fyo '$.% journment. ' '

A ccy&RESRONDiiiNT who signs himself " Smack " has sent me a long " poem " of which I submit one verse as a samplo :—- -lam a Friar of Orders Qj\b^-, .-, I am an Inspector of Babbits grey, And round Hokonui 1 take my way. I never require to pay for a nip ; A Government billet lines my scrip. Down "with the bunny I merrily chaat, Wherever I go no money I want. A.nd why I'm so plump the reason I'll tell : Who leads such a life is sure to Jive well Who lends such a life is sure to live well. What free selector or. Bank Director LiVes 60 well as a Rabbit Inspector ? There are six more, but I think the above sliows what my correspondent would be at. But there must be some easy billets, and I do not suppose " Smack " would object to one himself. I know that wore Inot placed aboyo tfye reach of ambition b/v the iminiilcence afforded by. these notes', 1 should acc«pt the l)eputy-iCssistant-' Quartermastel-Greneralship 1 of Habbit Traps which the Government recently offered me. Thb hot springs are becoming popular. X$ is alleged that 1250 persons visited, ' them Jast season — computed '^0 spend I I L 15,000. At least, the immortal " Jock "

Graham says so. I. should have swallowed the tourists; I might even have struggled through the Ll5,000 ; but when "Mr Graham attributes the influx to his ' Guide ' to the Springs my limit o£ credulity has been reached.