AN EYE FOR EVERYTHING.

Mataura Ensign, Volume 7, Issue 378, 29 July 1884, Page 2

AN EYE FOR EVERYTHING.

• : : By Cyclop.* •.' i . *$ \ Welt., its all over and the defeated o__ea are beginning, to. sleepi-ju nights, aad *.k» new members begin to touch the e*rt__ again and have practised pretty well the fwasla " Sir, the hon. member for Loanmore eto.'* Nobody has lift,ed his hat to me since .Jast Tuesday .or given my children!. Jollies, ?or im other ways infringed the Corrupt P r*oti«s Act. Everything, in. fact shews .me thati •ftill not Ikj wanted by the legislative claes for some time to come. But I give thoa fair notice that my eye is upon them, The strangest scene' of perifapß ihe strangest scene of any election whatever, was that reported 1 of the Lake distiict. The snocessfnl candidate, Mr Fergus, was guffer. • wg.f rom .'-'____ injury toi'hf-. -Mgy.- -:jtf the Wakatipm hospital was a polling place he took up his quarters. ther 2. He was reqmsitioned to address the electors, by a mam with one prm. , .The , .chairman, elect had' feet and bauds frostbitten so' *as t tb render him impartial in applause. The audience were mostly in bed. Surely Mr Fergus, on crutches _md with one leg in a sling, was guilty of an unfair aopeai t« fellow feeling. Still his position was as sonnd as that of many less .successful candidates. He § aid im ( e|feri, ji« Yoii /; are Mftptii : hb jail 1 therefore return me aa the cripples candidate." The logic; fslj**3Bt_l-S good aathis, « You are working m-n; so am I: You don't know a great deal "about politics; neither * -Wi* T^kgrj-Jto^ return-_a_.e.f' n -„ -..«„ The newspapers .have all had come candidates defeated, but have mostly gained their -'ends: all thetsame.: M uxy^cHßd >t¥6fMwe J?B?*»ed. Qir.jß^p-^ v -(heir f jfi|l before nojjland have resumed their course. , the paper that had most' :M*' :i ßte_?e,'-' lr and -that 1 I j have ;:-wat|j|i*^d[ with,. the greatest intere?^ is ...the News.' It .explained everything very cleverly. All the' 'beat men, except -Sir Gedrge Grey : and IMr Joyce, had been„r_jjected. * Dunedin had %'L^i ■* 5* - FFtoVH • Sra^haw-.. t _who had dohe ! nothing except ihtrcfatfceaa EmSfoy. ment of Females Bill. Christchuroh had elected an uuknotyiv poster , (he is just as, unknown in^Christchurc as Mr VTatson, of the Bank ot ;New Zealand, is in Invercandll), yriplethe eloquent Fish,; and *the profound Bracken, and the persuasive Daniel and' Mr Feldwick, the champion of the criminals .were* rejected. , This elefction-wa-s no teat, it turned upon local feelings 1 Well done, ' News. Mr Feldwick was famed for the breadth of his views and his independence Of local feeling ! ... But lam bound to say that Mr Feldwick did his part at the. declaration "of the poll -*- far more gracefully than Mr Hatch did. He said he had never '"" cocb-a-doodle-dooed " over an opponent. That ,I< believe is --true, but is a boast that Mr Hatch could scMcely appreciate. ' „° The papers seem to dread i«« Trotting Joe," Green, Rees, and Speight, are safely .rejected, but Hatch is equal to any three such.' The two pass words of the session must be, *" Sir Juiius with the brake on:", and H Hatch battened down." Hatch -mil be a" ".ine - lobbyist, but save us from Hatch stonewalling. ._ A man who. couldl . stonewall, sevea hours in a Borough Council about. LlO'would be good for seven days in Parliament. Mr Hatch is said to have been supported both fey publicans and sin- — . I mean teetofcwers. That is a strange coalition. Extremes meet. Sir George Grey and Major Atkinson shonld have no difficulty in pulling together after that. The Orangemen were also against the man who drinks the Pope's health before the Queen's. A DOG, was observed wandering, r^boutt the streets in Invercargill on' tKe 22nd with a card on his , neok^|- -.Vote for Feldwick." This was no doubt the " slang dog " referred t© inmy last. By the way I learn that in .several; places; the. streets; Tweie' gay with vehicles bearing the old style of advice: '.' Vote for Blathereky te." I had an idea that this was contrary to law ; -bo I howl that only the unsuccessful candidates iwetWch means of corrupting, the free electors. I believe that a candidate can 1 bribe 1 and co- • rrupt as much as he likes so long as he: does not get elected. I give that tip to any man who would, like to defy the law. You can hire all the coaches in the town so long as* the. people, who ride in; them yote for* the other fellow. Another tip I 'have to give before I qnit politics is « When you've thanked the electors for placing you at the top of the 1 poll come down and mingle with the delighted people. Don't stand airing; your manly,* proportions and making a background for"l_hc defeated ones.' One popular man neglected this advice. He was a big fellow.. The unpopular man was a. little chap. The representative elect showed all round the little spitfire like the sun round- Venus in transitu. Well some embryo poultry waa aimed at the little man, but the marksmen did'nt score a single centre on him, 1 '■- but made ."several • outers ' on tlie big mail. The next business-is between the Crown and , the. Ministers; The situation regtii_<l_£-_ie of thejold Scotch yarn: "When Lord Liverpool's retirement occasioned so many revolutions ih the Cabinet and much talk, ajbout the king's dissatisfactioa. with (his -fJ-fiisisters an old woman near Perth exclaimed . « Dear me! what needs he fash himsei__ie ,i -.tackle aboot the Ministers— if he's no pleased wi' ane, canna he gang to anither kirk .'", < T-Rfc-*" that to the Marines* anel 'other expressions indicate the contempt oi sailors for the soldier's knowledge of tho sea. That this contempt is well grounded was laughably proved at tho Inquiry into the lamentable wreck <tf the Syria in Fiji. The Chairman 0% the Caurt was an army .captain. *,Borne. nautical men had sif ted out ' some evidence about taking bearings. "Now"' said the chairman learnedly SWhen you had .taken these bearings, where did you stow" them I" He afterward- asked whether certain remarks ha,d reference to the stern side of tha ship os to, the port side,, * . - . A man from New Zealand went home a short time ago to establish his claim to the earldom Qi _3e^=entwater- -long ago fW> treason. He has lately returned unsuccessful, He sgys his chain of evidence only wanted op-e link, The birth csertifiasdje of ___» mother's grandfather could not l»e "fiouaad. Now if Mr Lovogrove had called me I would willingly have certified to the birth of the* old man. I don't believe in spontaneous generation. .••-.-... •»•■•*. A woman brought up her husband the otker day in InvercargiU for assaulting her. He and two sons all testified that she invariably provoked the quarrels of which she complained, I believe that , Mais-stew, cages

ont 6f twenty the same thing ia true. A man -■' '*'' "comes in from a i-iy's hard work arid worry. At. home he finds itfost things as he left them inthe morning. His wife is dirty and rag- ;"<" •; <g(_d,V6r "d-*urik,orout at the Army. His msal k .: is a. miserable , one,, the good food that his Bard earned money has bought is spoiled in the cooking.' He complains and is at once told that, he is always growling. Yes, for ten years he has*-*; asked daily for improve- '"' irie'tit in some trifle knd he is asking yet and » always* growling, poor devil. His wife sticks to the text for hours. , She says to the cat " Get off. that chair) or we'll have some more grMHrig,!' to the. children "Hold your „. jtongue.or.you'll st.art your, amiable father -'•"■ 'again '* arid-Won. _4.t last-the poor fellow uses the only argurrient possible with such a ?.;v wretch and knocks her down.

;-■ 3_-fB8 ; Bcott , is the best impersonator of earnestness jl have seen and certainly no one could be more devoid 1 of affectation. I have heard some good-things about her. lam told that, misfortune once put her husband into the court arid that she worked her hails off 3 1 *- ifor- years* till the last fraction of the debt was - p-ftid. That's my sort of religion. Almost' . thou persuaded me, Mrs Scott. There was once a ' meeting of fashionable ladies in j .Christchurch to see 1 what could be done to . ; M • reclaim their.f alien, sisters. . Mrs , Scott went in and sat' at the back. The ladies minced 1 ' ; arid trifled arid gossiped for a time till Mrs ,-.- j3pott'B : ,big soul oyerfipoded. Tou better belieTe "she made those pampered jades think that th.c, publicans and harlots were going into the 1 , kingdom of God while they were shat outi' " ' '' •'' /''•*.