AN EYE FOR EVERYTHING

Mataura Ensign, Volume 7, Issue 372, 8 July 1884, Page 2

AN EYE FOR EVERYTHING

By Cyclop. Tiro of the oddest characters in New Zealand poliiics are Messrs Dargaville and Swanson— Billy Swanaon. They are both standing for one of the Auckland constituencies, and I suppose one of them is bound to be elected" They, however, don't feel quite confident which it will be, and so feelings are a little strained. They happened to meet in the street the other day, and fell into debate. The word passed along " Billy and Darg have met." Scores of necks were strained round corners, and scores of: eyes were dangerously dislocated by attempts to face one way and see the ] other. At length to the joy of all, the senatorial voices waxed louder, and the spectators, seeing that the performers wore well set to their pieces no longer disguised their curiosity. Presently BiHy J s senatorial crutch gleamed in tho air, and Darg's tile bit the dust. As the outraged legislator stoopped to recover his property the crutch completed another revolution and impinged upon a fleshy and, as an Irishman would say, " Convanient " part. SwxHSONis rich, having two Maori wives., both, of whom have more land than good looks and the weight of one of whom I would like to have in gold. Yet in spite of his riches, Billy is not to be sued f«r damages, they say. I wonder if Dargaville felt himself to be at the bottom of the poll when he was under the crutch, Thb Oamaru people have petitioned their late assistant bailiff to represent them. This is an example of our love of the working man and our democratice contempt for aristocracy. I presume the requisition ran like this : To the Bight HonoraMe Lord Reidhaven. May it please your Lordship — From the first moment we beheld you we recognised in you one born to rule and to make laws to assist weaker men to rule. We have not, till now, had a crisis in our hMory sufficiently important to justify us in appealing to you, etc., etc." I think the reply should have been Gentlemen.— You are a set of infernal snoba. Wherein do I. Lord Reidhaven, of today, differ from poor Grant the bailiff of three months ago 1 Would one of you have given me a vote, or a job, when I was poor and my prospects blank?, etc., etc., The compliments of the season are different from those of any other. When a man aspires to Parliament he at once J loses all claim to the ordinary civility ' of mankind- A Mr Clephane in Stanmore said — " Sir, I rise to second the vote of thanks to the candidate, Mr S. P, Andrews, and I must say I never met such a shuffler." 'Mr M. W. GrBKEN at his meeting rather evaded the question, "Do you travel on your pass when not on public service?" K » said he did as othor members did, mentioning some names. Mr Pykc has since retorted in tho papers — '• Other members don't use their pass while running an insurance agency in opposition to the Government." If Mr Green actually does this he has " a conscience. An honest candidate on being questioned why he voted for and took the full honorarium replied—" My creditors wanted it." He also said that several who voted for a reduction first ran into the Opposition lobby to see if there were enough in to carry the full amount and being clear on that point they rushed across the Houso into the other lobby and got credit for magnanimity. I quite believe the honest member. Akothbe candidate — an auctioneer. — • was answering questions when a nervous looking man who had been married about twelve months came into tho crowded hall. After looking hopelessly round he sent up a slip of paper to the chairman. The chairman smiled and handed it to the aspiring auctioneer, who read aloud, — " Dr Laydiesman is wanted at once !" The auctioneer at once I pointed to where tho doctor sat and exclaimed, " There ho is I Who grants delivery ?" I won't uso any italics, but will leave the point to bo discovered, Thb auctioneer reminds me of one of the good stories of the last election. In South Canterbury a man of the small farmer class was standing and had betrayed an astonishing proficiency in ignorance on many subjects. He was asked what he thought of "Local Option ?" " Will you repeat jour question ?•" he said. " What, do you think #£ fo'cajf QpiaonT- rispeajKed the elector. The candidate 'seeded puzzled. '• Local Option !'' f oared ihe phiirnjan. ' .'.' $ yes J I see what you mean," said fch'e politician, 'A local auction. O yes, you've a perfect light to that. When I am elected I will sec tlaat an auctioneer comes up regularly so that you can sell your produce without diflacultj."

I befesred last week to the electioneering value of eggs and cats. I hare since learned that cats are much higher than I imagined. At the Chris tchurch cat and dog show there were 69 cats valued at L 5304 11s, or L 76 17s 6d a head, on ,an average. I suppose that the butchers I cannot bo responsible for these prices , which are perfectly Whittingtonian, and j I had no idea the election committees were so well off for funds or so hard upfor cats. I would willingly supply seven tern from my neighborhood at a consider.: hi <» reduction on the prices mentioned above. Thkrb is a passage in Douglas JerI rold's comedy " Bubbles of the Pay " which may explain, the price of cats in Christchurch. r.ROWw.— Corruption. I Such uncharitable creatures ! They'd mako a great deal now aboiq ;v poor ten guineas laid out upon a i cottager's kitten. | i .Skin-deep.— Yes ; as if, when the other | party foil in love wirh all the canary birds in tha borough, we were not to take a fancyto a few of the kittens. Do they think nobody but themselves has a heart for the dumb creation ?' That is not a bad story about Taiaroa proposing the health of some Sydney magnate By special request he did it in Maori, and the magnate replied feelingly to the compliment. It now appears that Taiaroa having no speech simply repeated the Lord's Prayer. This reminds me of: the Englishman who wanted to cultivate the Chinese trade on the Victorian diggings years ago. He got a Chinaman to write him a sign and was amazed to find the eelestia, tra^e fall off at once. At last ho got liisl sign interpreted and found that it ran " This man is a blooming rogue." I have been greatly edified by the Evolution controversy. The amount of learning that lias run to wuste is amazing, The writers are evidently unfortunate in being born a little too late. If they had been in time the} r would evidently have discovered the doctrine of Evolution for themselves. I suppose it is quite possible for a person to be thoroughly informed on all matters relating to Evolution -without knowing anything of Dr J. W. Dawson, author of " the story of the Earth and Man/ " Archnia," " Arcadian Geology," etc. But I don't see how anybody could know anything about him and yet suppose that he was the originator of Evolution or any sort of an adroeat c of it. He is the " sole remaining joy " of the rigidly orthodox."