FACTS AND FANCIES.

Mataura Ensign, Volume 7, Issue 359, 23 May 1884, Page 5

FACTS AND FANCIES.

A Burlington mother has miraculously cured her youngest hopeful of smoking by the laying on of hands. "Hands wanted on boys' pants." 13 the daily advertisement in the newspapers. 'Twas always thug from childhood's hour* An oyster, said a great lover of the bivalve, is very anomalous, for you have to take it out of its bed before you can tuck it m. " Thank heaven 1" exclaimed a fond father, as he paced the floor at midnight with his howling heir, " thank heaven you are not twins I" " ' •> " Yes," said Fogg, « I've met with many successes in life. That's the trouble, you know. The things' a fellow meets areialways going the other way." >^ A Detroit preacher who. was invite^ to a scientific meeting, on attending, was shocked to find that the scientific* part of tlie performance was the science of self-def«nce, " Our chairman," said a man who Sad just got home from a public meeting it&at had ended in a general row, " tried t» pour oil on the troubled waters, but it all ended 7 in turmoil." ;? "Now I understand", remarked Oldboy with a sigh, after vainly trying to get a view of the stage over the bonnetin front of him " now I understand what they mean by the hight of fashioa." Seene — A tailof 's shop. Customer : " Mun, George, youVe made this waistcoat^o' mine far ower wide." Tailor-: " WeeV Tammas. affter the denner a' saw ye tak' tither day a' thocht ye wud sin require it, a.",. "I say, Jenkins, can you . tell S/young, tender chicken from -an old, tOtfgK^one?" "Of course I can. " Well, how can you tell it?" "By the teeth." "Chickens have no teeth, man." « No ; but I have." A very bald gentleman was exhibiting to a friend his well-appointed toilet table, where* on were brushes of every size and shape. " Yes, I see,sl see, said the friend ; " yo« have everything— that is to say everything, except — " "What?" "Hair." " Mother sent me," said a little girl to a neighbour, "to ask you to come and take tea with her this evening." « mha&*m at what time, my dear?" "No, mam ; she ouly said she would ask you, and then the thing would be of her mind." " Boy," said a gentleman to a disobedient youth whom he encountered, " don't you hear your father calling?" "Oh, yes," replied the boy ; "but I , don't ;mind nothin 1 he says, an' mother don't neither' ,- v and twixt her an' me we've about got the doe. so he don't, too." .Hi "In my time, miss," said a sternllunt, " the men looked at the women's face* instead of their ankles I" « Ah, but my dear' v *unt," retorted the pretty young lady, ;«; yfa; that the world has improved '. arid is" .more civilised than it used to be. It looks 'now more to the, understanding." " ' " : , : '''■'- A certain lawyer ' always ; began 'his examination of a. witness' With' " I'm" going to put a question to you, and ldori't' 'care how you answer it;" The habit was so strong that one day he met a friend and said,'> I'm going to put a question to ypu arid; I 'don't care how you answer it, How doVou .do ?" "What a peculiar shade is that' l '."What could you call it ?" broke in the young" ;lady, opportunely turning to a passing, costume of dark red, which emitted spasmodic gleams of ( indefinite white as its wearer moved/ on. " That," replied the eldef lady, cirtlcally, "was meant, I should say,'. tp ; 'represent crushed raspberry, upon . which: "tHe I'cream1 'cream had souTßd." '•*' ' '-• '■'■'■~ n '"-"-% « Three and sixpence per gal !" exclaimed Mrs Partrington, on looking over ; the price current. " Why, bless- me, what' is- thfeworld I coming to when gals are valued atthrecfand sixpence!'?; The. () Qld,;;lac[y., .puUed-Lpff her spectacles, thxgw.jloj7^the:,pap;er,^^j g irent into a brown study on the want of a proper appreciation of tjie true value of the feminine. A pious young lady, who married the only son of a wealthy but yulger speculator, on being reproached for it by her aristocratic relatives', meeklys aid, "It is sometimes the duty, you know, for a respectable -Christian girl to marry into a rich family, of able antecedents, in order that its dubiously acquired wealth may be guided into righteous courses," ' '-.. ' When a diplomatist was asked to give; an ambassador a few hints as to the conduct ot diplomatic intercourse, he quietly answered, " Take snuff and stand with your back to the window." "Why? asked the introductor. "That is plain enough," was . the reply, " With your back to the light, the expression of your features is less visible. If you take snuff, every convenient pinch affoids 'you time to think over your, replies." [ Some years ago, when a new railway '-.was I opened in the Highlands, ;a Highlander heard of it, and bought a ticket ' for thei.first; excursion. a The. train, was about -half the distance ctb-the' nextistatioh .-When' a., collision took p|ace, ( and. poor f Donald : was ■ thrown, unceremoniously- 'into" I ' ah '"• adjacent park. • A"f tefc. MfoSermg his senses, he made the best,of his. way home, when the neighbours asked 1 him" tibw tie liked to drive. "Oh," replied Donald, "I liked it fine; but they have an awfu' nasty quick; ,way in puttin' ane oot." •;•,;: . •: . : . .,: ■',' , ', /. J\ -„ £ HB WENT MAD ON THB TBAM. Two gentlemen resigned their places in a car to a couple of ladies, one of whom, as she took the proffered ssat, was distinctly heard to say in a low but firm voice ?, : " Thank "you sir;"'" ' ' v ? 1 * v ' r - "''■"" -^^s^^ The gentleman thus addressed started and turned deathly pale ; then he grasped a strap in the car, and"^eaning forward inquired of the lady in question : . " Are you-a resident ot, this citj , madam ?" "Sir?'|qulri|d j;hei!Udy-in an offended tone. -*-' 4 ~*-^ -->-<*, *.* > " Answer me, madam; I implore you," besought the agitated man. " This is no time for trifling. Are you, a stranger here or a native !" " I have always :lived<here"4 she 'answered. hurriedly/ -~'~- ! s 1' " l :;: " Can it be possible ?" exclaimed the stricken man ; •« and yet you wear no medals —no insignia 1 •■bf> l horidr^nothing *tS Jghow that^ you-; are, not . like, others.; buf,f good Heaven, the difference T 'Why, madam, I have travelled on this road since it- was built, and.no member of .your ' 'sex ~'£ver thanked me audibly for a seat until thislnloment." Then kind and pitying; friends. led\him gently from the.car. . It was.too.n?His brain was turned, and .not even the assurance that such a thing would probably never happen again could restore him. Keasbnmad fled. l -!?