AN EYE FOR EVERYTHING.

Mataura Ensign, Volume VI, Issue 257, 22 May 1883, Page 2

AN EYE FOR EVERYTHING.

+ . By Cyclop. The energy of the Hon. the Colonial Treasurer is proverbial and remarkable. Only a few days ago he was propoundinghis scheme here in the South forNationallnsurance or the Prevention of Pov erty and so far has he perfected his arrangements already that a Gore firm is now advertising as " National Insurance Agents." "When Sir "William Jervois was at Dunedin his society was much courted by a journalist who has since rendered himself famous by denouncing "dummyism " in a most spirited fashion. One day the Governor and his satellite were amongst a party taking a run down the harbor in a Harbor Board launch, and a third member of the party was a successful ironworker worth thousands and occupying a high place in commercial circles. Once upon a time, however, he had been a poor working man. The journalist, anxious to engage in conversation with His Excellency and desirous of introducing his friends to like greatness, said quite innocently-—" Tour Excellency, this is Mr , one of our really successful business men. It is not so very long, however, since he was only a common working man !" The man of quills looked down superciliously on the man ©f iron, and deep silence reigned; but the latter's uncomfortable position was soon made more easy to bear by some well-timed observation from Sir William. The orthodox conductors of a very oxthodox contemporary of yours were rather sat upon a Sunday or two ago. At least so wags merry .Rumour. A popular preacher about to sever his connection with a certain parish not a hundred miles from Invercargill was expected to say a few words of farewell to his parishioners, and, on the Sa urday night preceding, the enterprising and orthodox management aforesaid instructed a lucklessreporter of the s'-aff to proceed next day to the scene of the va ediction and ' take ' the parson. Ihe reporter thought of his ' usual ' and his Sunday morning in bed, heaved a sigh, named an adjective and murmured his comprehension of instructions. With the morning behold our literary hero trudging to a suburb, sucking a meerschaum and muttering disapproval of the whole proceeding. Arrived at the rustic sanctuary with the object of ' interviewing ' the parson, imagine his consternation when the parson met and 'interviewed J him at the church door. Parson enquires reporter's business. Candid and truthful representative of orthodox contemporary, instead of dissembling and professing anxiety as to his own spiritual condition acquaints parson with instructions received from orthodox management and is informed by parson that he cannot be admitted. Gandidand truthful reporter rejoices in Jhis heart, grumbles regret at inability of orthodox conductors to supply orthodox readers of orthodox contemporary with interesting item of news, retraces his steps, and, over a pewter at his hotel, thinks • out the headings for an article for his chief on the Liberty of the Press. Parson returns triumphantly to ; his. congregation and thunders, out his wrath secure in the knowledge ,that he has kicked the Press out of doors, so to speak, and that there is therefore no, need, to b.e mild in jthe castigation he proceeds to administer to an erring and apathetic flock. I say, Tapanui is a jolly little place, isn't it ? * And ain't my friend "William a jolly little editor? He's got 'em bad this time, though. If he has any hair you should advise him to take more than ordinary care of it, or suggest the use of that far-famed restorer of Ayre's. I had expected that ypu would have advised some treatment of ' a soothing nature for him, but' I suppose in your editorial wisdom you thought it best to allow the malady to fully develop itself before you attempted to apply pills and plasters. Or were you afraid that if you aggravated the disease by experimental probings the metaphorical kicking recommended by the literary luminary of the 'Courier would devolop into something practical and startling ? The versatility of the literary genius that presides over your contemporary is amazing. There is first ijhe beauty of metaphor, then the fire of denunciation/ followed by the playful allusion to the consumption of 'jump-ups,' obtained from a jovial local chemist. I .have made enquiries , of Mr Esther regarding the ' jumpups,'. and find the subject is a sore point with the * Courier's ' staff. A 1 jump-up ' is, I am informed, an inno-, cent and cooling beverage of the ' fiz ' type; and was once- much appreciated by the * Courier ' literary staff. Whilst engaged in the construction of thundering editorials, ib was no uncommon' spectacle to behold members of the staff sans .coat, sans hat, sans waistcoat, $ans everything but braces, breeches, and boots— for editors mostly affect a covering known' by the euphonious term * dickie ' wh.erW with to adorn and covey tb©n> manly and glowing hpsonis and which is laid aside in the 'agony of leader writing^- : it was no uncommon thing, I say, to see the literary lights of the ' Courier.' dashing up^the street, hair and braces flying in the breeze, clearing the street of its lbungers who fell back, stood dazed, and gazed as the corpulent figure of the chief stormed the oitadel of Physic, and with protruding eyeballs and^fierce gesture demanded of the al-

most asphyxiated chemist ■" A. 'jumpup ' for the love of Heaven !" But this sort of thing became monotonous. A fearful day of reckoning was at hand. The calls upon his generosity became so frequent that Mr Esther, in a fit of desperation, one day allowed a drop or two of Grotonis Oleun to nlix with the innocent 'jump-up,' The draught was partaken of, and in all haste the man of letters returned to the editorial, holy of holies and was soon deep in the throes of composition. The- chemist, fearful of results, barricaded his door and contemplated the beauties "of Nature some miles away from the town of Tapanui. The editor tore away at the leader for some time, but he grew pale and more ghastly as the twitchings at his vitals grew more frequent and more definite. History does not say who finished Ihe article or how the 1 Courier ' was brought out that week, for the literary staff wa3 missing. But in the gray light of early morning, some • t days afterwards a wan and faded figure was seen wandering about the, outskirts of the town, and upon th« same morning an affrighted chemist was observed to return to his business pre-, mises by a circuitous path and fearfully* remove his shop shutters. There was sn unusual meekness about the 1 Courier's ' editorials ever afterwards, and no more * jump-ups ." were enquired , for.