Wit and Humour.

Mataura Ensign, Volume V, Issue 224, 26 January 1883, Page 5

Wit and Humour.

4 What is worse than raining cats and dogs'? — Hailing omnibuses. If a woman were to change her sex what would she become ? A he-tlien. Hope is nothing more than desire with a telescope, magnifying distinct matters, overlooking near ones. A correspondent vishes to know how the man was disposed of who was * prepared in a great measure.' When we used to quarrel with our little brother over a piece of pie, he always took our part as well as his own. The difference between a person in his first childhood and his second childhood is this-— ln his first childhood he cuts his teeth ; in his second childhood his teeth cut him. Chaucer parties are 'fashionable among young girls in London ; but a Brooklyn girl prefers a saucer — with strawberry ice cream, and another spoon with a moustache sitting opposite. If 'gainst trouble you'd be proof, And avoid all complications, Remember this one thing — Stear clear of your relations.] A correspondent wants to know why a young widow is more fascinating than a young girl. We do not know much about the subject, but should suppose that it is because the widow appreciates the value of time. There's a cannon on the Gunnison River, in Colorado, where the stars can be seen at noon, and they do say that a starlight interview at midday is one of the sweetest joys of youthful life in that aection. The old adage, 'Honesty is the best policy,' is a very odd saying. If a man is really honest he don't care whether it is the best policy or not, and as for the rest of the world, they don't believe that it is the best policy. • 'I never pretend to know a thing that I do not,' remarked Brown. ' Wben I don^t know a thing, I say at once "I don't know." ' ' A very proper course,' said Fogg ! ' but How monot«?n«HB yon" fiomroraation must be, Brown/ A Paris photographer has invented a process by which he can take a likeness in the one-hundredth part of a second. This time is not so short, however, but that the average boy could change his position three or four times during a sitting. There is a certain way |of distinguishing a man from a head waiter at a swell party, notwithstanding both may be dressed the same. The waiter generally has a towel on his left arm, and the man generally has a young lady there, if he.ia agreeable. ADVICE AT PARTING. 1 My son,' his aged parent says, As, full of hopes and fancies, Johannes starts upon his way To face the world's mischances, ' They tell us iv that world you'll fiad ; Two separate religions,— Viz., pigeons innocent aud kind, . And hawks who plucks those pigeons'. Nowl if 1 W^o,' : said\hev ' I'm .j?,ofc dia'posed'.-tq [hh a' V..' -man; "Butlexpect to go into politics^ and bo f m keeping. engaged tff three girls at a time, to yet well.up in lying/ 1 Love is sparingly soluble in the words of men ; therefore they speak much of it; but one syllable of woman's speeen can dissolve more of it than a man's heart can hold. Three men and a dog were in a boat on the Thames. The boat capsized, and the dog, instead of saviug the men, sagaciously awam to shore and let them drown. This is different from the usual run of dog stories. A Prompt Explanation. — ' Sam,' said a lady to a milkboy, ' I guess, from the looks of your milk, that your mother put dirty water in it.' ' .No, she didn't nocher,' replied the boy, ' tor I seed her draw it clean out of the well 'fore she put it in.' When a singularly matter-of-fact gentleman had related a story in which the listeners had failed, after all their efforts, to discover the faintest spark of humour, air George Rose accounted tor the circumstance, at once. ' Don't you ses,' he said, •he has tried a joke, but reserved the point. Emily (little sister— 'What a large family the spinsters must be ! I hear in church every .Sunday that some of them are going to be married.' Frances (eider sister) — ' On you little stupid ! Don't you know what spinsters are? Bachelor ladiea of course.' « What makes the milk so warm,' the milkman was, asked, when he brought the can to the door one morning. * Please mum,' he answered, 'the pump-handles broke, and missus took the water from cha boiler.' A wee boy beset his mother to talk' to him, and say something funny. • How can 1 ?' she asked. ' don't you see now busy lam baking those pies ?' . • Weil' you mignb say, "Charley, won't you have pier" i'udC would be funny for you/ • Boy,' said a stranger to a lad. who was blacking his boots in iront of a hotel yesterday, 'if I should give you a dollar would your first impulse be to go to the circus ?' •No, lsir,' wa» the prompt reply. •My tirab impulse would be that it waa a couaterieio bill/ Lord North, who had a great antipathy to music, being asked why he did not auuacnbe to the Ancient Concerts, aud it being urged as a reason for it that his brother, the Bishop of Winchester, did, • Aye,' replied his Lordship, • if I was as deal as my brother I would subscribe too/ Dr Henniker being in private oonversition with the Earl of Chatham, his Lordship asked him, among otner questions, what was 'wit,' according to his opinion 1 ' Wit,, he replied, 'my Lord, is what a pension would be given by your Lordahip to your humble servant— a good thing well applied/ ;■ ' Can you help me a little ?' sail a tramp, poking his head into a country shop. • Why don't you help yourself ?' saiu the proprietor, angrily. ' Thank you, I will/ said the tramp, aa lie picked up a Dutch cheese and two loaves of bread and disappeared like a lightning streak, followed by half-a-dozen lumps of coal. 1 Yes, mother, JI have waited upon Misa Grinder somewhat. She'B a nice sort of girl. F.aiher'B got money.' ' Precious little good that'll do you, my son. He's the closest man in these parts/ 'But you know, mother, he can't live for ever, and 1 — Don't you be too Biire. I've known old Grinder for forty years, and he hasn't died yet/ Arißtides was surnamed the ' Juat,' and his whole conduct corresponded with this glorious epithet. He sat as judge in a cause when the plaintiff, to prejudice Aristidea in his favour, began with saying that defendant always acted in opposition to Aristides. Aristides interrupted him, aad said. ' My friend, you forget yourself j state your case, for it is " your" cause I am to try, and not my own/