EPISTOLARY CURIOSITIES.

Lyttelton Times, Volume LVII, Issue 6511, 9 January 1882, Page 3

EPISTOLARY CURIOSITIES.

(Chambem’ Journal.) Very curious specimens of the epistolary art are daily consigned to the editorial basket ; now and again one escapes into print. An unflattering notice of a musical performance in a London paper elicited a long letter from the offended violinist, in which he asserted that the critic was not present at the entertainment, and announced his desire to hare it generally known “ that I look upon all critics who praise me, as men of intelligence, and worthy of the greatest respect; and I look upon those rare ones who dispraise me as having a screw loose in their cerebral development. In conclusion, I consider that if the person who wrote the notice was present at the performance, he is on'y worthy to be an inmate of a home for idiots; and if he was not present, he is a mean unmanly cur, and should get seven J rears’ hard labour. However, £ have not the east doubt but that I will be gaining the applause of admiring thousands when the poor fellow is getting worm-eaten in an unknown and contemptible grave. Yours obliged, Paganini Rbdivtvus.”

A thief thus wrote to the editor of the New York Tribune “Sir, — 2 lease advise jour readers always to leave their names and addressee in their pocket-books. It frequently happens in our business that we come into possession of portmonnaies containing private papers and photographs, which we would gladly return; but we have no means of doing so. It is dangerous to carry them about, so we are forced to destroy them. I remember an instance when I met with serious trouble because I could not make up my mind to destroy a picture of a baby, which I had found in the pocket-book of a gentleman, which came into my hands in the way of business in the Third Avenne road. 1 had lost a baby myself the year before, of the same age as this one, and would have given all I had for such a picture. There was no name in the pocketbook, and no way of finding out who was the owner; so, like a fool, I advertised it, and got shadowed by the police. Tell your readers to give us a fair show to be decent, and always leave their addresses in their pocketbooks. We want to live and let live.—Yours truly, A. Pickpocket.” There was some reason in the light-fingered one’s request, which is more than can be said for that of the autograph-hunter begging a well-known journalist’s autograph for his album, with: “Jf you deem the request unwarranted on my part, pray pardon me; but at the same time, send the refusal in your own handwriting, and with your own signature, that I may know the refusal is authentic.” His impudence deserved as scant courf esy as that yielded by Dickens to an Oxford undergraduate, whose communication running: “ Slß Understanding that yon insert Ehy mes in your serial, I send you some; ” was answered: “tiiE—We do not insert Ehymes without Season.”

The world has been reproached with knowing nothing of its great benefactors. The charge is too widely drawn; but we must in part admit it, feeling assured that not one of our readers could tell the name of the inventive genius who wrote to a London editor:

“Sir, —The subject is a motive-power, regulated by a law of nature, capable of putting into motion the most cumbrous machinery, unintermitting in its action day and night, and free from any cost from one year’s end to another, its power unlimited. It is estimated to save the government two hundred thousand pounds per annum in fuel alone, and to reduce the price of cools a hundred per cent., cheapening all manufacturing produce also.”

Getting our coals for nothing would bo a consummation devoutly to.be wished, indeed; but we fear our inventive genius credits himself with an impossible achievement; like the actress who signed herself “ Hespectfnlly yours, Miss St. George Hussey, nee Mrs Hussey." Ladies looking for sons-in-law, rarely make their approaches so openly as the Canadian dame who wrote to a newly settled eligible: “ Dear Mr B ,I, Mrs Wigton, wish you would call on my daughter Amelia; she is very amusing, and is a regular young flirt. She can sing like a humming-bird ; and her papa can play on the fiddle nicely; and we might have a rare old ho-down ; and then we will have an oyster supper. Amelia is highly educated j she can dance like a grasshopper looking for grubs, and she can make beautiful bread; it just tastes like bunny bees’ bread ; and for pumpkin pies she can’t bo beat. In fact, she is head of all the P girls, and and will make a good wife for any man.— Yours truly, Mrs Wigton.— Bring your brother."

In ou«a where it is quite unnecessary mothers should trouble themselves in urging things forward, the expression of devotion and undying loro is not unfrequently half-comio in its exaggeration. Here is the outburst of a Californian lover. “If," wrote the latter to the object of his affections—“lf one atom of the deep, deep love I feel for you is scattered throughout the world, I could stake my life it will fill, if allowed to do so, the entire human race, and thence will derive the word commonly used as love. Qood-byo, my dearest dear. Yours till death, and beyond it and eternity.” By-and-by he was sued for breach of promise; and asked what he meant by suon language, ho replied: “ Oh, I couldn’t reasonably be expected to explain such stuff." Ho explanation was needed in the case of the faithless swain, who abruptly ended a ten years’ courtship with: “Dbab Miss—l write these few lines to say that I don’t think you and me should agree if we was to come together. I am generally inclined, and you are the other way, so I beg to be excused." She would not excuse him ; and he had to pay for his default; a fate that befel another fickle gentleman, who took his leave after a

tiff, oomplair ing that the lady had pat him dawn «o that he could Dot come up again, and pathetically concluding:

So from yon I must part; I make the sacrifice from my heart So farewell, Miss Bell; Alone I’ll dwell.

An Englishman of note wrote ton Mohamim dan official for some statistic* of the city in which ho lived, and was thus politely rebuked for hi* inquisitiveness: ‘My Illustrious Friend and Joy of rny Liver—Th# t v dng you ask of mo is both difficult and useless. Although I have passed all my days in this place, I have neither counted the houses, nor have I enquired into the number of inhabitants; and as to what one person loads on his mules, and the other stows away in the bottom of his ship, tins is no business of mine. But above all, as In ‘ho previous hintory of this city, heavoo </■ '■ knows th# amount of dirt and confonion ■' it the Infidels may have eaten before tL' suing of the sword of Islam. It were unpi " able for ns to enquire into it, Omy soul )my lamb! seek not affc-r things which re . n thee not. Thou earnest unto us, and we »< 1 :ome thee; go in peace!” A very different stylo was adopted by the manager of one of the great Indian railwaj* in addressing a European subordinate given to indulge in needlessly strong language. “Dear Sir,” wrote he, “it is with exlremregret that I have to bring to your notice that I observed very unprofessional conduct on your part this morning when making a trial trip. I allude to the abusive language you used to the drivers and others. This I consider an unwarrantable assumption of my duties and functions, and I may say rights and privileges. Should yon wish to abuse any of our employees, I think it will be best in future to do so in regular form, and I beg to point out what I consider this to be. You will please submit to me in writing fhe form of oath you wish to use; when, if it meets pay approval, I shall at once sanction it; but if not, I shall refer the same to the Directors ; and in the course of a few weeks, their decision will bo known. Perhaps, to save time, it might be as well for yon to submit a list of expletives generally in use by you, and I can then at once refer those to which I object to the Directors for their decision. But, pending that, yon will please to understand that all cursing and swearing at drivers and others engaged on the traffic arrangements in which you may wish to indulge must bo done in writing, and through me. By adopting this course you will perceive how much responsibility you will save yourself, and how very much the business of the Company will be expedited, and its interests promoted.” Prominent members cf the theatrical profession are too accustomed to receive extraordinary epistles from ntter strangers, to take much note of them; but wo doubt if any actor ever had a funnier offer made to him than was once made to toe elder Booth. Here it is : "West House School, Prospect, N.Y., December the eighth, 1818.—Mr Edward Booth.—Dear Bur and Frend : Heering that you was going to come to Utica to perform in a play called “ Barr, lit,” I would like to say that us boys is git ting up a Exibition for the benefit of the diseased soldiers and their widows and orphans, and would like to engage yon too take the leading port, I have talked it up with tbo hove, an 1 we will do the squire thing with y ou, and I am arterised to make you the following offer. We will come down after you with a good conveyance, and will give you at the rate of Ten Dollars per day and board, and shall want you about one weak. If you think it nessary, you can have one or to of our beet wimmen actors come up with you; but we can’t pay them over three dollars a day and feed. You know bow that is yourself, this kind of bisnness is awful uncertain. Pou can. have some fnn out of it a hunting dear and foxes around Flamsburgs and Ed. Wilksnns. Please let me know as soon as yeu can. Yours truly Jambs Sweet. P. Scrip.—lf you come collating to hunt, get Frank Mever’e hound. She is a good one.” Our last example of epistolary curiosities came to its astonished recipient in a barrel of American apples bought in the Birmingham market, and ran thus: “To the Reader— Just for fun I thought I would write this note to tell you these apples were raised in Chester, New Hampshire, U.S.A. They were taken fromcnr place two miles to the dep6t, and sold for one dollar per barrel. I can only wonder who may read this ; whether it be in America or Europe this may go to, some palace, or perhaps some place far inferior. They may be destroyed by fire or water, or perhaps stolen. However, seeing I have wondered so much, I would like to have you write me. lam a young school-teacher age about twenty. I live in the country. I have graduated from the High School. I should like a good position as teacher, writer for magazine, or a chance to attend some school, so as I could pay my war.—Wishing you happiness, I am, Eabby 11. Wabbbn.” The surprised recipient of the simple letter learned one thing from it that interested him ■ name’y. that the birrel of apples for which he paid fifteen shillings, ecst the importers, freightage and all, just s. vc-n shillings and twopence ; eo that there must be more unprofitable things to trade in than apples.