HUMOUROUS RETORTS

Lyttelton Times, Volume LVI, Issue 6497, 23 December 1881, Page 3

HUMOUROUS RETORTS

(£»f!uA JfagariiM.) A retort may be either civil or uncivil, courteous or uneourteous, witty, or severe. The simple meaning of tho word is thus given by a well known compiler“To return an argument, accusation, censure, or incivility; to make a severe reply.” A few examples may not be uninteresting to the reader. We most not alwaya infer, because a man takes to the army as a profession, or for pastime, or even under any other circumstances adopts a military uniform, that a plucky and courageous disposition ha* prompted him to the act; or we might never have heard of the following:—“Many day* to your honour, and may God blo-syou, for you once saved my life," said a tattered mendicant to a captain under whom he had served. “ Indeed," replied the gallant-looking officer, with a smile; " I have no particular recollection of the heroic circumstance. Maybe you mistake me for a doctor?" “No, answered the beggar; “ I served under you at the famous battle of Corunna,, in 1809; and when I saw you ran away, 1 thought it was high time for me to quit the scene of action too, or otherwise I should certainly have been killed." On the other hand, it is doubtful whether it is good policy to damp the ardour of a youthful aspirant to military honours, a* was the cue with the present writer, who, having joined the 37th Middlesex Rifles tome year* ago, arrived home ore evening in high glee, and told his father he hod ju>t got his arms. "Arms, indeed!" muttered the old gentleman dryly. “I am afraid your first thoughts on a battle-field would be how to make the best use of your legs.” And however patriotic or brave we may may imagine ourselves to be, it is perhaps nut always advisable to boost of the same, or a cutting retort may await us, similar to that on# received by a French ©Ulcer, who, in a bombast (cat manner, reproached a Swiss, with whom he wss quarrelling, with hi* country’s custom of fighting on either side for money; “ while wo Frenchmen,” said he, *' fight tor honour." “Sir,” replied the Swiss, “1 have no doubt we all fight tor what wo nred most"

It is also at well to assure ourselves that we are on the right side ere we venture to accuse anyone wrongfully. In the “good old tines," some soldiers robbed a night-watch-man of hit coat, boots, end money. The next day he repaired to the captain of the regiment to complain of his misfortune. The captain at once asked him whether he had on at tho time the tame things he woe then wearing. “ Yet, sir, the very tame," replied the poor man. " Then, in that case, my good fellow," rejoined the captain, “ 1 can assure you the paltry rascals do not belong to my distinguished company, otherwise they would have left you neither waistcoat, trousers, nor shirt."

At repartee the Bev Sydney Smith had few equals, and ho must have been a bold individual who attempted to banter words with that celebrated humourist. Bit hnmourtoroe and deliberate manner of driving home a retort, a thick-headed Pquhre once discovered, who, being worsted by him in an araument, revengednkasell by exclaiming : “By Jove,

if I had a eon who was an idiot, I'd make him a parson." "Very probably," replied (■Sydney; "but I eeo your father was of a different mind." Evidently, we cannot be too cautious when wo “ argue the point," with others, or 100 careful in the choice of an expression, especially with those who are reputedly knoen to bo both sharp and clever. Some* times the " tables are turned," wbea we leant expect it. A severe homc-tbrast was once given to a young country clergyman, who happened at the time to b<> walking home from church with ore of his elder parishioners. It was a very icy day, when the latter suddenly slipped and fell at full 1.-ngth on bis back. The minister, at a glance, feeling assured he was not much hurt, said to him : " Ah, my good sir, pray give me yomr hand ; sinners stand on slippery pU'-es." The old gentleman looked op, and immediately answered: “flo 1 perceive; yon ivr'ainly keep y >ar footing remarkably well," a native of the Emerald Die i< ited with the well-known remark, ‘ that he never opened hi* mouth but bo put I ;»foot in it.” The subjoined example may *><■ a c «e hi point. An Irish member of Farlivmeot, boasting of hie attachment lathe jury system, in a room full of company, of whom Curran, tbo distinguished barrister and celebrated orator, was one, said With trial by jury I have li«ed, and by the blessing of God, with trial by jury I will die!"-“Why, then.” said Curran, in mock amai-m nt, "you've entire) v made up your mind to be hanged. Dick!"

We shat) also fled that natural history plays a frequent part in the character of a retort; the following being of daily occurrence ; —'* As rough a* a bear,” ** sharp os a ferret." " sly a* atox," “ nervous as a kitten,” •‘bold as a lion,” “playful as m lamb.” “ timid os a mouse," “ obstinate as a mole," “ hungry as a wolf." In our earlier days wo may gain the distinction of being "a young monkey,” and in our later years, of being "pig-headed.” One’s temper, however, ie not very considerably ruffled by these mild I allusions to the animal kingdom; a smile or I a serious look at the time, being sufficient retaliation.

A witty nobleman once oaksd a clerical gentleman at the bottom of the table, why the goo*o, when there wa* one, was a!way* placed next to the parson. “ Healiy, my lord,” (aid the clergyman, “your question i* somewhat difficult to answer, and to remarkably odd, that I tow 1 eh all never see a goote wain without being reminded of your lordship.” It i* related of Lord Falkland, that in 1658, under the Commonwealth, hi* aimission to the House of Common, was very much opposed by several member*, he being barely of legal age. Some urged that he had not yet sown hie wild-oats. ’* Perhaps not,” be quickly retorted; “ hut no doubt a good opportunity will be afforded me to sow them in this House, where evidently there are plenty of geese to pick them up.” The petulance of youth was here most forcibly exhibited.

A shrewd "pawky” reply was g vsn by one of the humbler folk to Lord t ockbnrn, who after a long stroll, woo sitting on a hillside with a shepherd, and observing the ebtep bad selected the coldest situation for lying down, “Mac,” said he, “ I think, if I were a sheep, I should certainly have preferred the other side of that hill. 1 ' The shepherd answered : “Ah, my lord ; but if ye bad be'-n a aheepy ye would have bad mair serse.” There is a class of peculiar peep!* we sometime observe at places of public resort, who endeavour by various mean* *o make themselves remarkably conspicuous, it may be in dress, conversation, or general behavk-ur. Ah a cattle-show hel=t in one of oar countrytowns, a country bumpkin, who for some time had been disturbing the company with his loud remarks, at last broke forth : “ Pn*ecattle, indeed! Cali these ’ere rrise-cattle? Why. they ain’t nothing to what our folk* raised. You mayn’t think it, but my father raised the biggest calf of any men round anr p*rts.”—“ Oh,” exclaimed a bj-standee, “we have no doubt of Then again, to be considered a donkey, Is not all conducive to one’s satisfaction or dignity; few, if any of us, caring to be classed with that much abused and vilified animal. On one occasion, no small amount of merriment followed a retort, made by on indignant gentleman during a sale of picture* at a London auction room. Ho and another disputed the possession of a capital picture by a celebrated English painter, which faithfully represented an ass. Each seemed determined to outbid the other. Finally, oca said: “My dear sir, it is of no use, 1 shall not give in* The painting once belonged to my grandfather, and I intend to nave it.” “Ob, in that case,” said his opponent, “ I will give it up. 1 think yon are fully entitled to it, if it is one of your’family portraits.” To be equal to the occasion is with some persons a natural gift. 11 e may mention an incident in connection with the famous French Marshal Basse m pier re. Durirgbla incarceration in the Bastile, he was observed by a friend one morning to be diligently turning over the leaves of a Bible, whereupon the friend enquired what particular passage he was looking for. 11 One that I cannot find,” was the reply—“ a way to get out of this prison On his coming out of prison, Louis XIII. asked him his age. Fifty wae all that the gallant soldier would own to. To the surprised lock of the king Bassompierr* answered : “ Sire, I subtract ten years passed in the Bastile, because I did not ett ploy them in your Majesty’s service." Some years, however, before this, when serrieg in the capacity of ambassador to Spain, ho was telling the Court how ho first entered Madrid. “1«« mounted on the very smallest mule in the „ or ld" “Ah!” interrupted the Jokeloving king, “it must indeed have been on amusing eight to have seen the biggest ass ia the place mounted on so small a quadruped.” With a profound obeisance came the quick rejoinder: "I was your Majesty’s representatiTe.” Sometimes, too, it happen* that some peevish sportsman in the field finds fault with the sport provided for him, os occurred a few year* ago. A Yorkshire squire told Sir Tattoo Sykes that in future he would make his appearance in the hunt on a jockos*. " Do, my good sir, by all mean*,’’ was the ready reply j “ and then there’ll he a pair of ye." a"remarkable witty reply was once made by an Sngitsh architect, who had been giving an important opinion, and »*c<» professional statu* the oppcsii g counsel was anxious to dr predate. “You are a builder, I believe P" “ No, sir, I am an architect.” “ Well, well, builder or architect, architect o? builder, they are pretty much the same, 1 suppo*--.” “ I beg your p udoo. sir, I cannot admit that j 1 consider them to be totally different" “Perhaps you will be kind enough to state wherein this great difference consists ” “An architect, sir cooceirr* the design, prepare* the plans, draw* cut the specifications—in short, supplies the mind. The builder la merely the machine; the architect the power that put* the machine together and set* it going." ” Oh, very good indeed, M? Architect, that will do; a ve-y ingenious distinction without a difference. Do you happen to know who was the architect of tho towrr of Babel?” “There was no architect, sir,” replied the witness j hence tho confusion that took place." We naturally expect more from a professional, of whatever calling, than wo should from an amateur. A single instance is how given to show that cur expectation* are not altogether groundless. Tho court jester of Francis 1., complained that a noble personage had threatened to shoot him, if he did not cease joking about him. “If ho does so," •aid the king, “I should hang him a few minute* after." ** If it makes no difference to you, Sire," replied tho jester, “it would add considerably to my comfort and peace of mind if Your Gracious Majesty would bong him a few minutes before " Wo need not mention the particular county to which tho following occurred; it is, however, very suggestive of tho lively manner in which matter* of a parochial kind •tonally discussed in «omo district*. ” a fearful thunderstorm wo had last night, •aid ft gentleman on meeting wiih an overseer of tho parish; “tho oldest mhabitaat* can scarcely remember a worse one. 'So I have been informed," »as tho reply; hoi tho fact i», wo had a meeting of the Town Council at tho time, and non# of us heard a single pool of it"