A MERRY EVENING WITH THE PHONOGRAPH.

Kumara Times, Issue 587, 14 August 1878, Page 2

A MERRY EVENING WITH THE PHONOGRAPH.

It happened that Mrs Barstinglow was going down to Keokuk for a few day*, and Mr Barstinglow was inconsolable. At one rime he protested she should not go, he could not endure the lonesome house in her absence. And then again he declared that if she must go, he would neglect his office, and let his business go to the how wos, and he would go with her. At length, however, she persuaded him to be reasonable, and on repeated assurance that she would not remain away lunger than tlm-e days, he consented to let her go. He even bought her ticket, and ordered i lie carriage and paid for it two days ahead, lest his resolution should give way, and he should forbid her going from him. And from that time till the mo'-mng of her departure, Mr EarstingJow spoke in subdued tones, and moved about with the air of a man whose

heart was buried under mountains o£ grief. Before she left the house, Mrs Barstinglow set the phonograph in the sit-ting-room behind the clock. Then she kissed her disconsolate husband, anil begged him to preserve his precious life for her sake while she was a why, and then, she was gone. Every day, during her three dayS visit in tile Gate City, she received d letter troth her mourning liusbahd, begging her to come back, and telling her how lonesome he was without her, and how like a grave the empty House seemed, and how the hours dragged over his aching heart with leaden feet; And in three days she came honie and filled the solemn house with sunlight and laughter again. The evening, alter her return to Burlington, she took dewii the phonograph; “ I wonder,” she said, “ what we said last in its hearing ] It must be something while wd were discussing my visit; Or may he it has caught some of youf poor, longing meanings while I was away.”

And then she turned the crank. u -Lord no, croaked the phonograph, in tones of hearty reassurance “nd danger of that : she’s safe in Keok ik for three days j saw her safely off my-' self, this morning. Light your cigar while I light another lamp and make the room look chi erftil.”

_' u Why/’ exclaimed Alts fiaratinglow,' in a countenance of amazement, “ wbat on earth is it saj ing f” _ Oh, .sortie nonsense some of your' visitors have talked into it Some time or other,” replied her husband/ ner* ; yously, “ people taik all kinds of stuff into a phonograph, you kuoTfr; They say anything for talk h ' ■ ‘ -

Airs BarytingloW, looking only half convinced, gave the crank another turn.

“Ibis is devilish godd \Vhfistyy Barsty, ejaculated the- machind,-■ earnestly. “ Yon don’t get it in Burlitig- T ton, do you 1”

Airs Barstinglow gave a little’shrjefe* “Aly dear,” said her husband/ ldok-> ing now quite as worried as he had looked when he was begging her not to go to Keokuk, “ put it away, some* body has bad it out iu the atalne, and it might say soirtechingqjrrfectly shocking, you know. -Put it away.’* But Airs Barstinglow, upon whom the spirit of investigation had cended with great power, ground away, and (he pi onogmph, in.a voice marvel' l lonsly like her husband’s, went remor* siessly on.

“Nut much, they don’t make this kiud now, lb’s some bid Moix-mga-hela, cupper distilled, that Mrs Bars-* tinglow’s mother gave her for* me tical purposes thi'ee years ago. Fill up, there is plenty <if it* and I can replace it with any kind of beverage, when it’s gone. The old girl won’t kndw the difference.”

Mrs Bax-stinglow felt herself titrating to stone, but the next turn of the crank brought out an uproarous—- “ Ha, ha, ha I Here’s to the o. g. That faned her cheeks into a flame; “For mercy’s sake, Malachi Bar** tinglow,” she shrieked', “ what dees this mean 1” Mr Barstinglow now looked as though he really did wish she had never gone to Keokuk.

“ It’s just as I tell you,” he said with an effort to look unconcerned that was like a humourous book, a .collosal suoces so far as its utter failure was concerned. “ Somebody has been talking all sorts of nonsense into it just for talk’s sake. How else could it get hold of such dreadful stuff in our dear * little home, lovey T Mrs Barstinglow didn’t say, hut she turned away, and the phonograph asked carelessly ; “ Throw round for the deal ¥* She thought she would faint, but she didn’t, and thu pitiless machine proceeded to remark, with a variety of voices ; “ It’s my age.” “ You’ll have to straddle that blind if you come in.” “ I’ll see your little one and raise you a couple.” “ Give xue two cards.” “ Chip one.” “ Push the bottle this way, Ben.” “ Ain’t you going to stay in Harry 1” “ Can’t stay iu ou a pair of sixes.” “ Call you.” “Two small pair, kings to head.”

“Teas and deaces. Take the pot.” “ Birsty, get us something to eat. Old girl left the cupboard keys, didu’t she T

“ Lord, yes ; told her I was going to keep bach at home to save expenses and keep out of bad company.” “ Ha. ha, ha. Ho, ho, ha”

“ Oli,” yelled Mr Barstinglow, unable to contain himself any longer, while his wife, more dead than alive, leaned over the phonograph and ground away a* the mank in a dazed kind of way.' “ Oh, keep it up. That’s right. Keep her a going. Grind it all out. Dog gone the diabolical piece of black art and the vile assassin that invented it. Keep ifc

\ip. That’ll rift lit. Believe a sc.seles,, , 'diabolic&l piece of monstrous mechanism j rather than yOur husband. Keep it a going. Keep it up.” .. ,And Mrs Barstinglow did keep it up. She kep£. it Up and listened to tliat phonograph swear,and shout and howl ; she heard it shriek;, “ Oh my eye,.my hye!” She' heard it tell some one, to let some one else “ have it again in the ‘same place.!’ . She heard it warn sorae- , body to “ hold his head over the stovehearth and not let his nose bleed on the .’carpet,” and at last, ns it assured her very thickly and with some difficulty, that it was “a bah. of* jorry good fuf-fuf-fellows,” and that; it “ won’-hicwon’ go ’ome till morning,” she ground it into silence, and sank back,.speechless, and breathless, while Mr Barstinglow took the phonograph out into the back yard and smashed it into so many and -•Bo small .fragments that it couldn’t reproduce even a steam b*at whistle. And how, when, people go over to the Barstingl.bw’s to spend a plesant evening, and happen to say ; “ What have you done with the phonograph, Mr Baratinglow ?” it’ affords the visitors entertainment for the 'evening to study ibhe different expressions which creep over theffaces of .Mr and Mrs BarstingIbw, while Barstinglow, as he answers

the: question; thinks he would give dollars if he could find out how tKe meniherS of the Paragraph ers’ Association tell lies so easily and make them .sound so marvelously like the truth,— \ Burlington Hawk’s-eye.