AMERICAN HUMOUR.

King Country Chronicle, Volume IX, Issue 748, 24 February 1915, Page 7

AMERICAN HUMOUR.

—* : Maw Knows a Few Things.—Willie: f'Paw, what does the minimum wage mean?" » Paw: "It means the smallest amount you can pay for a certain amount of work, my son." Maw: "It really means what a married woman receives from her husband. Now you go to bed, Willie." • * * * * * Didn't Raise the Bid.—Hubby had arrived home while wifey slept, and at the breakfast table there was a cold bilence. ''A penny for your thoughts, my love," he ventured. "For two cents I'd tell you what I think of you!" she retorted, with a dangerous gleam in her eye. He did not raise his bid.—"Boston Transcript." .** * * # A Bas Capital.—While the constitutional convention was in progress a jouth side branch of the Curbstone. Club took much interest in th.9 proceedings. "I see by the .papers/' said the ManAbout Town, "that they are trying to incorporate a law to prohibit capital punishment." - There was a moment's silence, then the Corner Groceryman, who had been dozing up to this point aroused himself and exclaimed: "That's right; punish: tbo capitalists."- ' " *• "? * . * . A Screw-driver of Importance.—Tho engine had gone to 'pieces, tho screw revolved no more, and the yacht of the millionaire rolled helplessly in the trough of the soa. Anxiously signalling for help was the wireless operator. He was approached by the owner of the craft. "I wish," said the latter, "that you would advise my wife in Brooklyn, of our. accident." "Shall I tell her the engine is broken, sir?" asked the wireless man. "By no means!" exclaimed tho millionaire. "Those bald words would bo discomforting to the sensitive woman.Send her a message which, while not transgressing the 'truth, will make her think our accident is only a trivial one. Tell her our screw-driver is broken."'

Going to "Global the Clrd."— "Why, George, what a condition you aro in!' Where have.you been?" "It's all ri'. Been to say goo'by to Charlie Scrapple." "Where's Charlie going?" "Charlie's going to glirdle th' g'obe." "What?" "Girbal th' glpde." "Say it slowly." "Global-th' gird." "Onco more^" "He's going- ' round th' earth in eighty days! What's : tk' matter with yo°u?" "Ah, he's going to girdle the globe, is he? Well, you girdlo your way to bed just as fast as you know howl Skip!"—" Cleveland Plain Dealer!" # * * * * Giving Him a Chance.—"Mary, I don't want that.young Glassleigh coming here any more. You tell him so, or I will." "Why, father! He's awfully nice. And he is very sensible, too." "Sensible? He's a fool! I won't have him coming here. He looks like a monkey." "Oh, very well, if you feel that way about him. But I had an idea that he was unusually bright and discriminating. He was at the insurance banquet where you spoke night before last, and he said your remarks were the wittiest he had ever heard. He told me you completely outclassed all the other speakers. But I'll tell him'that he is not to call any more. I can find some way of doing so without hurting his feelings." 'fWell,. Jet- the matter drift along for the present., Maybe, I'll like him when I get better acquainted with him."

An Unconscious Bidder. —Holdingaloft a flashy timepiece, the auctioneer exclaimed grandiloquently: "We have here a genuine gold-filled, Elgin-movement, full-jewelled, hand-en-graved chronometer, made to sell at sixty dollars. To start the bidding, 1 am going to offer it afc + .he ridiculously low figure of five dollars.' 5 After waiting for the full import of his words to be grasped by his hearers, the auction-, eer began in a monotone: "Five —can I get the five—can I get the five " '•' A small man near the front of the crowd slightly inclined his head. "Five—can I get the ten? can I get the ten? Five " Ag"ain the little man nodded. "Ten—can I get the fifteen? Tencan I get. the fifteen? Ten- " To the surprise of everybody, including the auctioneer, the same man signalled again. "Fifteen—can I get the twenty? " "Fifteen—«an I get the twent " Noticing that the little man appeared to bo growing restless, and fearing to take any more chances on him, the auctioneer suddenly concluded: "And sold to the little man in the brown suit.'' When the watch was passed to him, the man in the brown suit indignantly refused it. "I didn't bid on it at all," he said, "and I am not going l to buy it!" "If you didn't intend to buy it," cried the auctioneer, "why in blazes did you keep nodding your head?'' "I, couldn't help lb," the man in th'a brown suit replied. "I've go& the hiocoughs!'"— "Jvidg-9." '••■•