American Humour.

King Country Chronicle, Volume VIII, Issue 724, 25 November 1914, Page 3

American Humour.

—* — Serious "And so you are married?"' "J told you I was going to be." "But I thought, it was a joke." "It isn't." * # * * *. Beware.—A Chicago "News" paragrapher gives a pretty clear idea of Platonic love: "It is a good deal like a gun that you didn't know was loaded."; * # * * * Earned It. —Woman : "How did you get that Carneg'ie medal?" Tramp: Heroism, lady. I took H jaway from a guy that was twice my size." * * * * * Greatly Changed.—"Have you seen Miss Beanpole since she inherited a fortune?" ""Yes; she is greatly changed." "How?" "Well, she used to be frightfully skinny." "And now she's divinely slender."— "Toledo Blade." « * * * . •* Art in the Kitchen. —James Montgomery Flagg, the humorist illustrator, said of the artistic atmosphere at a dinner in New York: "You can't escape the artistic atmosphere. Even my cook can't escape it. She came into the studio the other day and said: 'About the potatoes for lunch, sir—will you have them in their jackets or in the nood!" •'* -I * * * * System?—A commerial traveller was bragging about the magnitude of the firm he represented. "I suppose your house is a pretty big establishment?" said the customer. "Big? You can't have any idea of its dimensions*. Last week we took an inventory of the employees, and found out for the first time that three cashiers and iour bookkeepers were missing. That will give you some idea of the magnitude of our business."— "Lippincott's." * * * * * Mrs. Malaprop's Car.—"l have," said Mrs. Malaprop, "a beautiful car, with a cymbeline body, despatchable and dcnonnceable rims, epileptic springs, eclectic starter, - infernal expending brakes, autocratic windshield, black untrammelled headlights, interval power plant, flash jubilation, three-point indention, three speeds horrid and one perverse, amateur on the dashboard, aggravated ebony rim on the steering wheel, copellerator, throttle peddler, sanitary transition, jump-spark intuition, jimpson bearings, a set o' lean .gas-primers, and all other excessories."

How He Knew In a Kansas City court a negro on the witness-stand was being questioned about a sick horse. "What was the matter'with the horse?" asked the lawyer. "He was ailin'," replied the witness. "Yes, I know,?' said the questioner, "but what was the matter?" . "He wall jes' ailin'." "But what was wrong?, With what disease was he suffering?" "Jes' ailin'," persisted the negro. The lawyer was _quiet a moment. Then he had a bright idea. He would try to get at the horse's symptoms. . "Well, how do you know he was ailing?" he asked. " 'Cause he died!" replied the witness. * * * * * The Boss Was Poorer. —A traveller passing through the Broad Top Mountain district, in Bedford County, Pa., came across a lad of sixteen cultivating a patch of miserable potatoes. Ho remarked upon their miserable appearance, and expressed pity for anyone who had to dig a living out of such soil. "I don't need no pity," said the boy, resentfully. The traveller hastened to soothe his wounded pride. But in the offended tone of one who has been misjudged, the boy said: "I ain't as poor as you think I am. I'm only working rere. I don't own this place.' *** . * Some Cubistis Verses. —Since the new French school of Cubists, or Futurists, is depicting everything in art as grotesquely cube-shaped, why not & school of Cubist poetry, something after the style of the following? • B oth '■' _. menan dwomenw alkingups idedowndot hrongthebusyd izzystreetsintown.] ' H ors esand cabsand sundryotK erthingsdof i' lyaroundasife udowedwithwings.: Ii owli enshe isportr ayedbyCub' Istartmylov liestladyseems Sof-all ap a-r i.B/ture ; " isaharl Sequiniced reamorjuggl ' fecSsegmcnlofa ; j {rarobiicheam.