American Humour.

King Country Chronicle, Volume VIII, Issue 706, 23 September 1914, Page 3

American Humour.

.- Right Man.— "But, my dear madam, there's no use consulting; me about your lvusband. I'm a horse doctor." "That's why I came to you. He's a chronic kicker. * * * * » Force of Habit.— Beggar: "Will you please, sir, give me ten cents, for a night's lodging." Philanthropist: "I'll give you five cents if you raise the other five." * * * # * Half and Half. —"Earlie, why don't you let your little brother have your sled part of the time?" "I do, ma. I take it going down the hill, and he has it going back." * * * * * No Loss.—Blobbs: "Do you think the death of old Closefist will be a loss to the community?" Slobbs: "Well, I understand the loss is fully covered by insurance." * * * » * Shrinkage. —Griggs: "It is said that coal left exposed to the elements loses 10 per cent, of its weight." Briggs: "I left some exposed once and there was a much greater loss than that." *'# * * * Burnt. —"What a pity we have no artists who can paint like the old masters!" said the sincere lover of pictures. "But," replied Mr. Cumrox, who had just acquired a spurious signature, "the great trouble is that we have." *.»'.* * * Congenital.— Benevolent old lady (to Weary "Willie, whom she finds resting in the shade of a telegraph pole): '/Alas! 'my poor wayfarer, travelling through, this vale of tears! What has caused you to become discouraged and abandon the race so early in life?" .Weary Willie: "Tire trouble, lady." * ■ » * ■ ' * » • Getting in the Came — "l understand you have just bought an automobile?" "Yes. I saw seven of them chasing one pedestrian the other day, and I decided that I was on the wrong end c-f the sport." "St. Louis PostDispatch." ***** Had Been Trying Them.— "Perhaps you drink too much coffee," suggested the doctor. "I should advise you to try a substitute." "Sir, your advice is superfluous,' 1 replied the patient. "I have lived in boarding-houses for twenty-five years." —"Philadelphia Record." * * * * • True Modesty. —Uncle Sam was aghast at finding a strange darky with his arm round Mandy's waist. "Mandy, tell dat niggah to take his ahm way from roun' yo' waist," he indignantly commanded. "Tell him yo'self," said Mandy, haughtily. "He a puffect strangah to me," * * '* . ■ » * Not Forgotten.— The self-made man stalked into the office of a great financier with whom he had an appointment. "You probably don't remember me," he began, "but twenty years ago, when I was a poor Wall Street messenger boy, you gave me a message to carry », "Yes, yes!" the financier. "Where's the answer?" * # * * * Oilie's TroubJe United States Senator Ollie James, of Kentucky, is bald. "Does being bald bother you much?" a candid friend asked him once. "Yes, a little," answered the truthful James. "I suppose you feel the cold severely in winter," went on the'friend. "No; it's not that so much," said the Senator. "The main bother is when I'm washing myself—unless I keep my hat on I don't know where my face stops." * # * * * Simplified. Boston Five-Year-Old: "Father, what is the exact meaning of the verse beginning 'J ac^c Sprat could eat no fat'?" Father: "In simple terms it is as follows: Jack Sprat could assimilate no adipose tissue. His wife, on the other hand, possessed an aversion for the more muscular portions of epithelium. And so between them both, you see, they removed all the foreign substances from the surface of that utilitarian utensil commonly called a platter. Does that make it clear, son?" Boston Five-Year-Old: "Perfectly, father. The lack of lucidity in these Mother Goose rhymes is amazingly apparent." "Woman's Home Companion." * * * * Language.—Dr. Osier tells the following to illustrate the elasticity of the English language as used by the Southern negro. One day there came to the clinic a negress with a broken jaw. The examining physician, intent on discovering the exact nature and extent of,the injury, asked numerous questions. To all of them the negress returned evasive answers. Finally, she admitted that she was "hit by a object." "Was it a large object or a small object?" asked the physician. "Tolle'by large." "W r as it a hard object or a soft object " "Tolle'by hard." "W 7 as it coming rapidly or slowly?" "Tolle'by fast.' Then, her patience exhausted, the negress turned to the physician "To •tell the truth, doctor, I was jest simply kick'd in the face by a gen'leman £ riend. "—' 'Everybody's'."-