WISE AND OTHERWISE.

King Country Chronicle, Volume VII, Issue 563, 30 April 1913, Page 2

WISE AND OTHERWISE.

"How did Tom manage to get so much" of his uncle's estate?" "He married his lawyer's only daughter." * * * "What a bright baby! Can he talk?" "Yes'm; he can say 'Thanks' when you put a penny in his hand." * * * Judge: "Will you tell the jury all you know about the case ?" Miss Jabber: "Yes, if they can spare the time." * * a Office-boy: "Here's a lady what insists on seein' you! She's awful excited." Editor: "Then escort her to the composing-room." • • • Phyllis: "Have you ever been disappointed in love?"' Doris: "Yes; twice.'' Phyllis: "How's that?" Doris: "Been married twice!" • * « Jones: "Pretty girl—you seem to know her." Brown: "Yes; she's my manicurist." Jones: "Ah, a divinity who shapes your ends !" » » • She: "I heard you singing in your room lhis morning." He: "Oh, I sing a little to kill lime!" She: "You have a good weapon!" • • • "I am sorry, my dear sir, but I neglected to bring my surgical instruments with me." "Thai will be all right, doctor. The plumber who has •been working in the cellar has left his tools there." • • • "My heart is in my mouth. I am afraid to hear you answ : er." "Y'ou may well be, Mr. Dollboy," retorted Ethel. "I never Cojj.ld marry a man whose heart was not in the right place." * # # # • Mrs. Klubbs (severely) : "I've been lying awake three hours waiting for you to come home." Mr. Klubbs (ruefully) : "And I've been staying away tli roe hours waiting for you to go to sleep." ***** Kind Old Lady (talking to a tramp) : "Have you never made an effort to get work?" Tramp: -"Yes, ma'am. Last month I got work for two members of my family, but neither of them would take it." *•* * * * "Why did you break your engagement with that school-teacher?" asked the friend. "If I failed to show up at her house every evening, she expected me 'e 'Hn;r a written excuse signed by my mother." * # # * » "I married my first husband for monov a:ul mv second for love."

"Then you are very- happy now, I suppose?" "No, lam not. You see, my first husband married me for love and my second for money."

Mrs. Newly wed. "Oh! mother, John said this morning I was one woman in a hundred." Her Mother: "I see hi that no cause for tears." Mrs. Newlysved: "But, mother, he used to sav 1 was one woman in a thousand."

Lionel: "You are charming toright." 'lndeed! What nice things you men say. Mr. Brown just told me the same thing." Lionel (anxious to depreciate his rival) : "Of course, you don t believe he meant it!"

Daughter: "Mamma, my teacher was talking about synonyms to-day. What is a synonym?" Mother: "A synonym, darling, is a-word you can use in place of another when you do not know how to spell the other one."

Scottish Catfoy (explaining historic landmarks of Edinburgh to American tourist) : "Yon's the house of John Knox." Tourist: "Wal, who. was this John Knox, any way?" Cabby (shocked) : "Mon! Do ye read yer Bible?"

"Who was that at the door just now, Dick?" asked the young wife. "A rate-collector, dear," was the husband's reply. "And what did you say to him, Dick?" continued the wife. "Remember, Richard, there are ladies present!" broke in the mo-ther-in-law.

Mamma: "Y'ou can have this piece of. cake, daughter, but that's all you will get." Daughter: "All right, mamma, but you'll be sorry." Mamma : "Why will I be sorry?" Daughter: "When I starve to death my funeral will cost more than a dozen cakes."

The diner who had cleverly taken another man's overcoat, had just reached the door, when the owner tapped him on the shoulder. "Pardon me, sir," he said, meekly, "but would you allow me to get another cigar from my coat pocket in case I do not meet.you again?" * * * * *

"Well," said the young lawyer, after he had heard his new client's story, "your case appears to be good. I think we can secure a verdict with out much trouble." "That's what I told my wife," said the man, "and yet she insisted at first that we ought to engage a first-class lawyer."

Beautiful Maiden: "Mr. Scrapple, T. can't have you coming- to see me any more under a misapprehension. Papa isn't wealthy now. He lost all his money last week on the Stock Exchange." Persistent Caller: "That doesn't make any difference. Miss Flosser. ' J know it already. I'm one of the fellows who got his mon-