WISE AND OTHERWISE.

King Country Chronicle, Volume VI, Issue 513, 30 October 1912, Page 7

WISE AND OTHERWISE.

Borrow: "Do you believe in the transmigration of souls?" Lender "Certainly. I must have been an ass when I lent you that fiver." e # • • « The man at the bar counter eyed his glass of flat beer doubtfully. Then he drank it and said: "That beer was rather dead. So I buried it." ***** "Do you think that our Joe's invention will work?" asked Mrs. Corne. "I hope so," answered her husband; "I know well that Joe won't." * * • • • Mistress: "You seem to want very large wages for one so inexperienced." Biddy: "Shure, mum, isn't it harder for me when I don't know how.?.' 1 Wife: "You are kinder to dumb' animals than you are to me." Husband: "S'pose you try and be dumb for a little while, and see how kind I'll be to you." • w • # .* Clerk: "I have a beautiful new edition of Mendelssohn's 'Songs Without Words' for two dollars." Mrs. Newrich : "Indeed! How much is it .with the ivords ?" * .* " • # ;# | Provincial Doctor to a Peasant: "Do you sleep with your mouth open?" Peasant: "I'm sure I don't know. I never looked at myself when I was asleep, but I'll see to-night." ***** Actor: "All the newspapers say my impersonation of Caesar last night was absolutely real." Rival: "Perhaps that's so. Everybody I've met says it certainly was not acting." • * * #; • "I've got you down for a, couple of tickets; we are getting up a raffle for a poor man of our neighbourhood." "None for me, thank you. I wouldn't know what to do with a poor man if I won him." ***** "Doncher know," began Sapleigh, "that I'm —er —sometimes inclined to think " "You really ought to try it," interrupted Miss Cayenne. "It's not such a difficult thing after one gets used to it." # # # * '5 * Squire: "I never realised what a little fellow Muggins is until last night." Vicar: "And how did it happen to occur to you then?" Squire: "I overheard a woman say that he was every inch a gentleman." * # # * « Miss Jackson: "Mr. Johnsing, ah have iin'lly decided to be yo' wife if yo' wants me!" Mr. Johnson, unaffectedly: "Dis am de unsuspicious time to impose yo'self to me. Ah understand yo' just lost yo' job I" ♦ * * # « Ilim: "I,thought you and Ethel had had a quarrel?" Her: "We have. I hate her!" Him: "But I saw you kiss each other when you met yesterday." Her: "Yes, but that's all we do. We hardly speak." * * * * * Mrs. Goodheart (to woman who has just had her husband sent to gaol for wife-beating): "Why do you think your husband will miss you?" Woman: "He'll miss me because he can't hit me, of

» • • I Diminutive Urchin (who, having dropped his lunch, has succeeded in stopping a car in the middle of a fifty-mile-an-hour burst) : "Please, sir, did you see a bit of bread and jam on the road as you came along?" * * * * * A well-known preacher visited a doctor for some trifling ailment. "Do you, sir," he said to him in the course of his examination, talk in • your sleep?" "No sir," answered the preacher, "I talk in other people's." * * * * * Little Johnnie: "Solomon may have been the wisest man, but Adam was the luckiest." Mamma: "Why do you think so, Johnnie?" Little Johnnie: " 'Cause he was born a man and didn't have to go to school." * * * » * "Do you see that man gbing along with his head in the air, sniffing with his nose?" "Yes; I know him." "I suppose he believes in taking in the good, pure ozone?" "No; he's hunting for a motor-garage, I believe." »#*.#• He (bitterly): "Your answer would be different if only I were rich enough to shower sovereigns upon you." She (resentful) : "It might be different, possibly, if you covered me so completely that I couldn't see you." ***** Slender Individual: "Did I understand you to say, sir, that you get out at the next station?" Stout Party: "Yes, I did, sir; and what of it?" Slender Individual (with great relief) : "Ah-h-h! The train'll be getting on faster after that!" *,' * * m * • "How do you happen-; to be here?" asked the sympathetic lady visitor. "I was caught on the wrong side of a residence," answered: the prisoner. "And how was that?" "I was on the inside when I should have been on the outside." j • * * ' * ' ■ * "Here I've been talking for half an hour," exclaimed the auctioneer, "and I haven't got an oiler." "Half an hour, indeed!" murmured an elderly maiden; "what's half an hour to many iong, long years—and s]till no hopes of an offer?"- I