FUN IN A RESTAURANT.

King Country Chronicle, Volume V, Issue 322, 21 December 1910, Page 2

FUN IN A RESTAURANT.

An attenuated individual with great affluence of hair, and a soft secV.;<:tive smile, gently swaggered into a restaurant one day last week, hung his hat on a nail, took a seat, and commenced to drum for the waiter. The latter approached in due time, and began to brush around the tumblers with a great deal of energy. The diner ordered some turtle soup, and while he was sipping it, chipped in : "Pretty good soup this ; what's the vintage ?" "Ten o'clock this morning," replied the waiter, as he prepared to hurl the check down like a boomerang. "Made of land turtles ?" inquired the festive, guy. "Land turtles,' * repeated the waiter in amazement. "Yes, land turtles," continued the diner ; these big, corpulent, speckled, Punch-nosed reptiles that walk around rye-fields with initials and dates cut on their backs. The waiter assured him he was positive that was not the brand oE turtle employed in the construction of their best soup at sixpence p, plate, including a roll. "No, I suppose it is not," continued the guest. "I suppose it is not ; ' I presume you use the little black red-spotted specimens that infest the woodland brooks and bird shops at three for a shilling. These little polka-dot rascals that float on corks, chuck full of meditation. I suppose you get them in quantities and open them like mussels, and spring the result on innocent people for terrapin. Does my intellect light on the scheme ?"

The waiter did not reply, and the guest went on. "Perhaps you use the snapping turtles. These fellows that grab at anything so hard that it makes them tired. These ignoble beasts that draw the skin over their eyes when you look at them, and who have skin enough for each eye to make a Masonic apron, strings and all, and "We use an iron turtle," broke in the waiter, who was tired of being guyed. "An iron turtle ?" "Certainly, an iron turtle," "To make turtle soup ?" "Why, of course ? to make turtle soup, not to make lamb stew, or a fricandeau of nightingale's soul, or any epigramme of tapir's kidney." '''But," said the diner, "how do you make soup out of an iron turtle ?" "Why, we wind him up." "Wind him up ?" "Precisely—he has a key-hole in his hack you wind to your right, until you can't wind any longer, then you throw him into the soup, and the machinery starts, and he kicks and splashes around for hours. We have a fsw eight-day turtles that " a "But where does the nutriment come from ?" inquired the astonishid guest in tones of excitement. "Why, from the ingredients ; the calf's hsad, and the beef, and the carrots, and the lemon," "Then what's the use of putting in the turtle ?'.' "Why, he furnishes the motion." "What, motion in soup ?" "Of course ; we throw him Into the soup and he splashes around with his great paddle feet " "To tone ths system with iron ?" "Oh, no, just to keep the soup from burning. It's a great deal cheaper to .work the turtle than to hire a boy to do the stirring." Then the out-guyed diner left with a sadful look, as though he had just come downstairs with some manuscripts, and a half-a-dozen series of editorial footprints all over him.-' "The Gridiron."