Miscellaneous

King Country Chronicle, Volume III, Issue 182, 16 August 1909, Page 3

Miscellaneous

AMERICAN HUMOUR

" h'-re t.vo fci'.ov.-?, old Waldo

and Jarley McCracki-n would always argue," said Mr Milo Bush one day while in Sthank's grocery store. "Argue about anything. Took contrary sides on evecry question. Why, if old Waldo said that Inguns was pizen, Jarley McCracken would up and dispute it, just as if the whole world don't know that Inguns are pizen, and ought to be exterminated of the face of the yearth." One day Jarley McCracken was speaking of whisky and happened to mention, keerlesa like, its food value, and what did old Waldo do but up and dispute it. said whisky was a beverage to supply the necessary liquid for the proper asswimulation of the solid food was all 0.K., but he denied its value as a food per se them was his furren words. Just like that — per se. It was the general view if he couldn't make out his case without dragging in French, that he'd better keep still. Another time they got arguing about great men. Old Waldo said that Napoleon was a greater man than Daniel Webster. Jarley McCracken of course said it was no such stuff. Shanks was just closing up, so we all went up to the school house and organised a regular meeting, and let 'em debate precisely's if they'd been in Congress, with Doc Ballister for referee. Just like the Sentea. Old Waldo led off on the Napoleon side. First, says he, let us make an inqu'ry into what constitoots troo greatness. Is it word», or is it acts? Is it talk, or is it get up' and get? The idea of the present speaker is that it is acts. Here we find the difference between the two men —Napoleon done things, but the alleged fame of Daniel Webster rests wholly on words. "Honey soyt qui mall why pense," which, for the benefit of those present who do not understand Greek, if any there be, 1 may translate, "If you are going to do a thing, do it." Of course Daniel Webster's dictionary was a great book. Present speaker has heard that it weighs ten pounds. But Napoleon fired cannon balls which weighed a hundred pounds. A copy of Webster's Dictionary would scarcely have made wadding for one of Napoleon's cannon. Napoleon was a great man, take him as you will. See how he spiked the enemy's fire engines before he applied the torch to Moscow ! Even in defeat Napoleon Bonaparte was great. Beaten back by overwhelming numbers at Waterloo, did he throw up the sponge? Hardly! When his charger was shot from under him, leaving him in the air banging to the limb of a tree with one hand, he cried, "My kingdom for a hoss—lay on Moc Duff!" Napoleon Bonaparte faced the enemy to the last. When they came they had to saw off the limb to get him down, like a hornef's nest. That is what Napoleon was—a hornet's nest on two legs. Then old Waldo sat down, and Jarley McCracken got up. Firsh, he said he reckoned that if Napoleon had been what he was cracked up to be, that he'd have had an extra hoss along for his a-de-kamp to lead under him. However, it was not necessary to belittle Napoleon in order to enlarge Daniel Webster. There he stands, look at him! The present speaker denied that William Webster did nothing but compile the great dictionary. He was a statesman as well as a leximograpber. Who stood on the top of Bunker Hill Monmument and uttered these words, "Gentlemen, give me liberty or give me death?" And if they'd shot the monmument from under him, he'd have hung to a star —a star, I say, and still put up a stiff fight for blessed liberty. The dictionary was a side issue, compiled on rainy days when he couldn't work. When he thought of a new word he wrote it down on his cuff or somewhere, and when he got home socked it into his dictionary. So it grew. Did Napoleon do any such thing? No! Napoleon simply set about straddle of a hoss about four sizes too big for him, and had his picture took. He was better at facing the muzzle of a camera than he was the muzzle of a cannon. If Daniel Webster's legs had been no more than eighteen inches long, he'd hae known enough to have kept off big draught hosses." Old Waldo couldn't stand it no longer bearing Napoleon abused, so he hopped up, grabbed the big school globe, and banged Jarley McCracken with it. His head crashed through the South Pacific Ocean., and his nose busted out the Northern part of England. It made Jarley pretty mad, and he bunted old Waldo, his head still in the bowels of the yearth. The coast of Norway caught old Waldo on the chin, and they both went down in a heap. The yearth all busted to flinders, and chunks off the Arctic regions and North America went flying through the air. Doc Ballister jumped in and parted them, and we went home; so the question about which was the better man, Napoleon or Webster, was never settled.—"Harper's Magazine. "