MR DOOLEY ON CHRISTMAS PRESENTS

King Country Chronicle, Volume III, Issue 118, 24 December 1908, Page 3

MR DOOLEY ON CHRISTMAS PRESENTS

"I always hope about Chris'mas time that I'm goin' to get somethin' that I've always wanted; but so far. havin' passed a matther iv sixty Chris'mases, I've had little luck iver since I was a boy air wanted a pony an' got a eaddychism. I have in the cellar as large a collection iv green neckties, slippers, an' book marks as Jake Feisentl-al has on sale. An' yet I don't mind it. TV sufferings I endure fr'm gettin' prisints is offset be th' pleasure I inflict in givin' thini. I know that on Chris'mas eve ye'll come in here an' I'll reach under th' bar an' toss out to yo a small box with th' remark: 'Here's a little something I got f'r ye.' An' ye'll open it up an' pretind to he overwhelmed with pleasur an' surprise whin ye see a yellow cravat with green stripes. 'Well, upon me wurrud, how did ye come to think iv this? There must be something in thought transference, f'r this is th' very thing I was hopin' somewhan wud give me.' An' then ye reach into yer coattail pocket an' pull out a package. I reel with joy at th' sight iv a cardboard matchbox to hang on the wall an' take ye be th' hand an' say: 'Ra-aly. Hinnissy, I feel I oughtn't to take this. Why dki ye go to such expense f'r me? It makes my poor little gift look so trivyal.' An' th' next week I obsarve that ye're not wearin' th' millinery I give ye, an' ye note that I still get me matches out iv me vest pocket, an' nayther iv us cares a sthraw wan way or another. But if ye hadn't given me anything, or if ye'd given me something an' I had'nt given ye annything, we'd both feel mad. There ain't anny worse feelin' thin not gettin' somethin' fr'm somebody that ye've give somethin' to, except to get somethin' from somebody that ye've given nawthin' to. In wan case ye feel ilke a sucker, an' in the other like an embezzler. I've often thought 'twud be a good idee f'r people to eret together a week or two" before Chris'mas an' say: 'lf ye'll promise not to give me th' necktie that I see in ye'er eye, I will promise not to give ye th' pen-wiper I intind to give ye in self-defence.' But both th' spirit of Chris'mas an' J. Felsenthal tell me this is wrong. They both say 'Unbelt,' an' they're right." "Well, 'tis a grand peeryod, annyhow. I begin to see th' effects iv it already. Th' amount iv amyable grinnin' has already increased about fifty per cent. Th' stores are brightenin' up. I see me frinds goin' home with bundles undher their overcoat.

Th' Salvation Army Sandy Klaus on th' cornpr with th' false whiskers is jinglin' his tambourine. Even old Grogan give me a pleasant bow this mornin'. He has sint word to his deposytors that they can dhrawout their money if they'll promise to spend it on presents an' not on household expinses or other base luxuries. An' as f'r the childher, Chris'mas has been comin' f'r about two months f'r thim, an' coming sthronger an' shinin' in their cheerful, hopeful, avaricious little faces. No matther what kind iv a Chris'mas this is f'r annybody else, it'll be a good wan f'r th' kids. There niver was a bad wan f'r thim."

"I cud enjye Chris'mas more if 1 was younger," said Mr Hennessy. "Not to mention a millyon or two other things includin' me," said Mr Dooley., "Run out now befure they're all gone an' buy that matchbox. I have in th' -Ihrawer a necktie that I'd defy ye to wear to a ball iv th' Socfyal Ordher iv th' Sons iv Ham."