MARK TWAIN AT NIAGARA.

Inangahua Times, Volume IV, Issue 59, 24 August 1877, Page 2

MARK TWAIN AT NIAGARA.

Niagara fa.lfs \a one of the §nest gfcruc. tures ip th,o. world. J haye b.eei^ yisiting this favorite watering-place recently fop the {^rst time, aqd was well pleased. A gentleman who was with, met said it was cu,stom,ary to be disappointed in, that falls, hu,t that subsequent visits wore sure to set th,at all right. He said \$ so with him,. He said that the fi,rst time he Went, hack fares were so much, higher than the fa,lla tha.t the falls appeared insigni^cant. Bqt that is &\\ r.egu!a,l^d now. The. bflckm,e.n havet been tamed, numbered, a,nd. placarded and b^ekguarded, and brought subjection to, the \s,w, a,nd dose.d wi(h moral principles till they are meek as mistionaries. lhey are divided into two, classes n,ow, the Regylar^ and the Privateers and employ t^eir i^le time in warning th,e. public against each other. The regql&rs are Under th,a hotel banners, a,n,d the Privateers prow^ darkly on, neutral ground, an,d pick off stragglers at hajf price., put there are no n^ore outrages and extortions.. That sort of thing cured itself. 5t made tho fajls unpopular by getting \ntoi the newspapers, and whenever a public e,yil achieves that sort of success for itself its days are, numbered. It became apparent that either the falls had to, b.e. discontinued, or the haokmen had to, subside. They could, not dam, the falls, so they did the backm,en. One can, be comfortable and happy there now. I dremk u.p most of the. American, falls before I learned tjh,at the. waters were not considered; medi,c.in,al. Why are people left in ignorance this way ? I might have gone on and ruined a fi,ne property merely for the w,ant of a little information. And ye.t the sources, of information are not mea,gr,o at Niagara Falls. You're something in doubt w^hat you ought to do but you are seldom, in doubt concerning what you^ must do. If an infant can read, that infant is, measurably safe in Niagara. If you, room at the hotel, you will fijid your course marked out in the most con* venient way, by mcansof placards on the walls like, these . ' Pujlj the bell-rope gen,tly, don't jerk.' 1 Bolt your doo».' ( Don't scrape matches on the w,alls. or furniture.' • Turn off your gas when, you, retire.' ' Tie up your dog.' •If you, put your boots outside the your, they will be blacked ; but the house will not be r^ponsible. for their return.' This is a confuting a.nd. tanglesome proposition, because it moves you to deliberate long and painfully, as to whether it will really bo any object to you to have your boots blacked unless they are returns'}. ' Give your key to the omnibus driver if you forget and cirry it off wi,th y,ou.' Outside, the hotel, whero *er you wander, you are intelligently assisted by the sign's. You cannot oomc t.9. grief as long its you are. in your right mind w.ith so many instructions to keep lr,uuk of. Eor instance : 4 Keeo off! t lie gruss,.' I ' Don't climb the trees.' ' Hands offi-the vegetables.' ' Dan't hitch, your liorse to. the shrubbery.' 'Visit the Cav ( e of Winds." •Have your portrait taken in your carriage.' 1 Forty per cent, in go}d lev,ied i on, all peanuts and other Indian curiosities purchased in Canada.' ' Photographs. of the falls taken here.' * Visitors will please notify tpe superintendent of apy neglect on 11$ part of ; employes, to qharge for commodities.' (No inattention pf this, kind is observed.), ' ' Don't throw.stones down ; there might ibe people below.'> '.The. proprietor will -not be responsible for. parties w;ho jump 'over the falls. (iMf>re shirking of respousibility—it appear^ to.be,. tiieprerailing thing here.) I always had a %h, regards for the signers ofj-the Declapatiop of t Independdence; bujinow they r.eally did, not seem to amount to much a|f>^g with, the signpri of Niagara, Falls. ; #To tell the truth, the. multjitud», of signs annoyed me. Ijt was. becauee I noticed at last they w,ere. prohibiting the very thing Ij was just w.aatmg to do. I desired to roll on, thp grass ;. the .sign, prohibited it. I longed, to smoke ;. a sign prohibited if." And Iw,asjust in the. act of throwing a, stone ovar,. to astonish and pulverise such parties as mjght be pic\ nicking below, when a w'gn I bad just mentioned forbade that. Even that satis.faption was ; denied me, and I was a.fri«nd. 'leas orphan, ' There was no resource noy7 but to. seek 'consolation from the flowing bowl. L drew my flask from my pocket, but it was 1 all in vain* A sign confronted, me which, '.said: « No dunking, allowed on these premirses.' ; On that spot I might have, perished of thirst but for the saving w,ordi of an honored maxim that flitted through my memory at that moment ; ' All signs fail in dry times.' Common law takei p?s? cedence,,of thp statutes ; I w«s saved. The. noble red man had always been 8 darlingrof mine. I loved to read about him in tale and legends and romapec. Ij love to read o£his ipspired, sagacity,, and Ilia lpve of the wijd, free life of mountain apd, forest, and his grand truthfulness his hatred of treachery, and his general nobleness qf character, and, his stately, metaphorical speech, and his. chiy.ajric love for the dusky maiden, and the picturesqpe pprap of, his dress and, accutremonts. When I found the shops at Niagara Falls, full of dainty bead work and, stunning mocassins, and equally stunnjng toy figures representing humap beings who carried their,, weapons in holes bpred in, their arms and. bodios. shaped like a, pie, I was filled w,ith ©motion, I knew that npw, Ij was going to comp face. to face with the noble red man. A lady. clerk in, the shop told m,e, indeed, that ajl her grand array were made by the Indians, and there were plenty about the falls, and that they were friendly and that it w.oujd, not, be dangerous to speak to them. I came upon a camp of, them, gathered in the shade of a great tree, making mocassins, and addressed them in the following lapguage of friendship .— ■

• Noble Red Men, Bra?« Grand Sachem, War Chiefs, Squaws, and Highyou Muck«a- Mucks, the pale-faco froiq the land of the setting sun greets you. You. BeneQcent Polecat, you, Devourer of Mountains, you, Roariqg T^undergust —the pale-face from beyond the great waters greets you all. ' War and pestilence haYe thinned your ranki and destroyed your ones proud; nation. Poker and se,ven»up and a vain, iqodern expense for soap (unknown to I your glorious ancestors) have depleted your purses. Appropriating in simplicity the property of others has go,tten you, mto trouble. &Jißrepreßentin,g facts ia your sinless iuno,cenoe has damaged your reputation with, the. toolless usurper. Trading with 4p.rod. whisky, to enabl* you to get drunk tom.ab.awk you?, tamilies, has played the everlajting mischief with the p,ictureique pomp of your dress, a^d her© you arc, in the bro^d Vghfc o,f the nineteenth century, gotttn up like the rajjttg and bobtail of the purelieu,s. of ISfew York. Ifar ghame J Remember jou,r ancestors } Kecall their Sifchty ee ds ! Remember IFucaSj and ed Jacket, and Hole-in-the-Bay, .-md Horace Emulate th,eir aci'-o ments I yo^rselve^ under • banner. Noblo saY^ge^ illust^ioc^s gOiiivt snipes " ' ' '" * ' Dow^ wid h,im 9 'Sca^p the bjaggard^' ♦ Hang him V i • Dbipwn him V • It was tho quickest operation that $ e^er saw. I simp.ly saw a sudden flash, in the air of clubs, brickbats, £>ls, bead^. \ baskets, and, mocassins— a single flash, | and they all appeared to hit me at once, i and no tw,o of them in the same place. In the next instant the. entire tribe, was upon me. They tore all the clothe^ off of me, they broke all my arms and. legs, they gaye me a thump that dV^ted the top of inj h,ead till it woujd/ hpldj I co^ee, like a, saucer, an,d then, to, crow,n, ', their disgraceful proceedings, and a^dj insult to inwry, they threw me over ths Horseshot rail, and I got wet. ; Abput ninety-nino or a, hundred, feei^ ■, from the top the remains of my.' vesjb; caught on, a projecting ropk, an,d I wa^ almost drowned ' before I could- get; a loose. .i I finally fell, and brought up. in. a^i^ world of foam, a,t the. foot 0? the. wall^l whose celled and bubbly mass towered up,'^ several inphes above my head. \, s| Of cotyse I got into the eddy. X saile^?^ round and round it 4-1 tim.es, chasing » •" chip ami gaining on, it— e.aph roupd trip, a half mile— reaching the same bush, on. the bank 44 times, and just exsctjy miss* ing it by a hajr's breadth exery time. At last a man walked down and sat down close to that bush, and. put a pipe.in, hjs mputh, and lit a match, and followed, me with one eye, and. kept the other on the match while he sheltered it it), hist hands, from the wind. Presently, a pufijof wind blew it out. The. next time I swept arpund him. ho. said t— ♦ Got a match ff ♦ Yes, in my other vest. Help me out^ plense,.' 1 %t for Joe.'When I came r.oupd again I said :r- . ! '._^cuso the seemingly impertinent curiosity of a drow.ninjj man, buj; will you, explain this sjngujar.condupt of yours ?' ♦ VXith pleasure. I| am the coronei\ Dppjt hurry on mv acqount ;. I can, wait ■ for, you, I wish I(had amatcli,' •Take my place and, I'll gp and. get you, one, 1 Isajjj. He decljned. 1 bis lapk.. of, confidqn c© % on l|js part created a coolness between, us, and from that time fprw,ard I av,o;-«d| him. It, was, my idea, in case anything hap- r pened to me, to so time the occurrenqe, asf to throw, my qustom into the hands of^the. opppsitiop,qoroner over ou the Amgrican, side. Ajt las{ a. policeman, came 6jpng*amii arrested me for disturbing.the peace bj^ yelling for help. ' The judge, fiped. me, bufr I had; the. advantage of, him. My money was w,ith, my pantalpon?, w;hich, w.ere. with, the. Indians. Thus I. escaped. %Ii am.aop' lying m..*, jve.ry crUiqol; condition -at kaat Ii am, lying any w,ay, criticalior not lam hup t. nlj over, but I cannpt teljf tjte. ! extent yet. be.eauye.the. doctor is.npt'dpn.p. 1 taking thejuy^entory.' c He w^lli make, ouj; my manjfest. thw s Evening. However, thup far, he thinks only six of. my woun-ls.are fata].. Ijdpn 6, mind the. otheip. Upon regaining my righj; mmd IwPt. ' It is an aw/ully savagp tribp of Ipdjaps, that do the. beadw.ork- and; mocaßfins foy. • iNiagara Falls, doctor. Where, dp, they;, come fr,om?' . I shall, not be able to.finwh.my. remarkSs abouf Niagara FalU until I get better.