IN LIGHTER VEIN

Hokitika Guardian, 16 March 1931, Page 8

IN LIGHTER VEIN

EXPLAINED. Grandma: How did you get that scratch on your face, Mary? Alary; Oh, I was wishing one of the clerks at the office good-night as T loft, and he had a pen behind his ear. SILENCE AVITH A KICK. “Every time my wife hears a noise at night she thinks it’s burglars and wakes me up.” “But burglars don’t make any noise.” “So I told her. So now she wakes me up when she doesn’t hear anything ! THE LAST PECK. “I don’t mind washing the dishes for von,” wailed the henpecked little man. “I don’t object to sweeping, dusting or mopping the floors, but T ain’t gonna run no ribbons through me nightshirt just, to fool the baby, so there.” A [ORE OR LESS. Waiter: AVould you like anything to drink, sir? Customer: A’cs, bring me some ginger ale. Waiter: Pale, sir? Customer: Just a glass will <lo. NO SMOKING ALLOWED. “A’ou’ll have to wait,” said the guide. “I can’t show you round the galleries yet. Smoking isn’t allowed. “But were not smoking,” said the visitors. “No. but I am,” replied the guide. YOU CAN’T WIN! An uplift worker, visiting a prison, was much impressed by the melancholy attitude of one man she found. “Alv poor man,” she sympathised, “what is the length of your term?” Depends on politics, lady,” replied the melancholy one. “I’m the warden.” NOT THE ONLY ONE. AA’ifo (on her return from Sunday evening service): Our new vicar is really good. George. Ho brings home to you things that you never saw before. Hubby: H’m! That’s nothing! Just look in the parlour and see what your daughter has brought heme.

AN EXCEPTION. A Scottish minister was skating on rather thin ice, when he heard one of his flock calling to him: “Come off sir, come off. D’ye ken that ice will give?” “Well, Donald,” replied the minister “it’s about the only thing in the village that will give.” AN IMPROVEMENT. “\lv wife has been studying geology, and the house is so full of stones that 1 can't find a place to sit down.” “What are you going to do about it?” “I’ve been lucky enough to induce her to take up astronomy.” “Where lies the advantage?” “Why, hung it nil man, she can’t collect specimens!” CLOSED SEASON An old contributor to “The lnquiier” (London), writes: “The correspondence about closed churches always brings to my mind the story of the church over the porch of which was carved, ‘This is the Gate of Heaven,’ and underneath was the notice. ‘No admittance during the summer months.’ ” FALSE DOCTRINE 1 . District Visitor: Your boy looks very bad; what’s the matter? Mrs .Jones: Yes. ma’am, he be very bad; and what’s mere, the doctors has made him worse. I’m sure we poor people need to pray with all our hearts “From all false doctrine good Lord deliver us.” I never saw its meaning before. FUNNY. “Where did the hen bite you, Mr Smith ?” asked the small son of the house. The visitor look si surprised. “But I haven't been bitten by a ben, Tommy,” lie ssid. “That’s funny,” said Tommy, looking ."S puzzled as the visitor, “mummy told daddy that you were dreadfully hen-, oo'lscd.”