QUIPS AND CRANKS

Hokitika Guardian, 27 February 1931, Page 2

QUIPS AND CRANKS

Teacher: Why are you not writing? Tommy : Haven’t got no pen, sir. Teacher: Where is your grammar? Tommy: Dead, sir. Housewife: But, my good man, your story has a very hollow ring. Tramp: 1 know, lady, but that comes from speaking on an empty stomach. Judge: Before evidence is called do you wish to challenge the jury? Prisoner: Well, I’m not in ’ard trainin’, but I’ll have a round with the fat chap in the corner. ITe had kissed her after the party. “You ought to be ashamed of stealing a kiss,” she said. “But,” he answered, “you are equally —you received the stolen goods.” The convict had missed an article of his personal kit. He demanded an interview with the governor. The interview was conceded, “Sir,” began the convict loudly, “there’s a thief in this prison!” Householder (form upstairs, who has been disturbed by a noise): Who’s there? Smart Burglar: SXX now closing down. Good-night, everybody, goodnight. “I see you still travel first class,” said the business man to a friend who had gone bankrupt. “Well, if I travel third class,” explained his friend, “I meet all my creditors!” Teacher: What do you know about the two genders ? Tommy: They’re masculine and' feminine, miss. The masculine are divided into temperate and intemperate, and the feminine into frigid and torrid 1 A Yankee visitor to London picked up a melon from the pile on a market stall. “Say, Bo,” he drawled, “are these the biggest apples you can grow?” “Apples?” roared the vendor. “Who’s selling apples? Put that grape down if you don’t think of buying it.” j Teacher (to pupil whose father had met with an accident recently): Is your father fit for work again, Tommy? Tommy: No miss. It will be a long' time before lie is. | Teacher: Oh, what makes you think that? | Tommy: ’Cos compensation’s set i»! “Remember,” said the teacher, “that the ending ‘stan’ to a word means ‘the place of,’ as in Afghanistan, the place of the Afghans. Can anyone give another example?” “Please miss,” said a small boy, after a pause, “I can. Umbrellastan’, the place for umbrellas!” Having had several turkeys stolen, a farmer .sent his man to purchase a good yard dog. Soon the man returned leading a dachshund. “What do you call that l thing?” gasped the farmer. “Well,” replied the man, “it’s the nearest T could get to a yard—it’s 2ft llin.”