CHUCKLES

Hokitika Guardian, 29 May 1930, Page 7

CHUCKLES

TOO MUCH FOR IT

“I hear you’ve lost your parrot that swore so.” “Ves, it died of shock.” “Really! How did it happen?” “He escaped from his cage and wandered on to the golf links.”

SOLD AGAIN

“I have been visiting England for twenty years,” said the American, “but have never found the smart business men we have in New York.”

The Englishman was nettled. “No,” lie replied, “you will find that sort in prison here.”

QUITE SAFE

An orator, warming to his task, took off his coat, which rather disconcerted one of the stewards of the meeting, who thought that a reporter would make a sensation out of the incident. Toward the close, he said to die'speaker: “I don’t suppose you knew when you pulled off j'our coat that a news* paper man was. present ?” “Yes, I did,” was the reply, “but I kept my eye on the coat all the time!”

A DAMP COURSE,

The hotel was very large, very exnensive, and not too satisfactory, as Wilkins and his wife soon found out when the,v went to stay there. Nn sooned had they, sat down to dinner on their first e.vening than Wilkins gave a sgort of disgust arid held up the plat© which thife 'waiter had just placed before him. .: “This plate is damp,’” he exclaimed. “Pm not going, to stand it. I’ll—His wife leaned overhand jjatted Ins arm. ■ ■ .

Be quiet, dear,” she ' whispered, “that’s your soup.”

QUITE TRUE,

At a public dinner a middle-aged man and a lady, Strangers to each Other, were neighbours, During the conversation tl|e man declared that no woman could keep a socret, "I don’t know about that,” retort, ed the lady, ‘Tve kept my age a secret since X was 25.” “You’ll let it out one day,” ventured the man. “Never!” she exclaimed. “When a woman has kept a secret for 20 years she can keep, it for ever.”

HIS UNAVOIDABLE ABSENCE,

An amateur actor, who had just concluded the part of Hamlet, said to an old friend who had heeu one of the audience: “Sell, old fellow, don’t you feel inclined to congratulate someone?” “Indeed I do,” replied his friend.

“May I. so far infringe on modesty as to ask his name?” inquired the vhin-glorious (barnstormer. “Certainly,” replied his friend. “His name is Shakespeare, and . I heartily congratulate him on his unavoidable absence this evening. 1

FALSE PRETENCES,

Jack was the cause of much trouble to his parents. At school he was always at. the foot of the class. One day, however, he came flying home in boisterous spirits. “Had—mum, 1 have got a higher place in the class,” he cried. His father gave him a shilling and his mother gave him a sixpence.

“Now, Jack,” said his father, “how did you gain promotion to a higher place?” “Well, it’s like this, dad,” .said the young hopeful. “My desk is being mended.”

WRONG DIAGNOSIS. The car had come to a sudden standstill on a country road. The motorist descended, diagnosed the trouble, and then applied at a neighbouring cottage for assistance. “Pardon me,” ho said to the old woman who answered his knook. “d° vn'i by chance possess any lubricating oil?” The woman shook her head. “Any oil will do.” sold the motorist, hopefully; “castor oil, if you have any.” .. “I ain’t got it,” said the old woman -»™■etfiillv, “hut I could iix you up with salts.”