“MY BEST YARNS”

Hokitika Guardian, 29 October 1929, Page 8

“MY BEST YARNS”

HARRY LAUDER SELECTION' There had been a motor accident in the highway not far from Aberdeen. A crowd of passers-by soon gathered, and one of them recognised not only- the car but its bruised and muddy occupants. After condoling with them and ashing how it all happened the new-com-er asked the driver of the car if the insurance people had been along yet. “No,” was the reply. “That’s good,”' said the other. There upon lie took out his handkerchief, wiped some of the mud off the driver’s clothes, smeared "it on his own, and remarked: “Jn that case I think I’ll lie down beside these two with the .broken legs!” A GOOD REASON TOO. j The office manager had broken the point of his pencil and was chagrined to find that he had not his pen-knife handy. He rang the bell for his secretary, but that individual likewise had no knife. The chief clerk was appealed to. He had left his knife at home that morning. But jtlie office boy came to the rescue. “How is it, Dugald,” jocularly asked tlie manager, “that you are the only ope here able to afford a knife?” “Ob, it’s no’ that, sir,” replied the boy, “but I’m the only chap in the place that has only one pair o’breeks!” FELLOW'FEELING. Tammas had a “limmer” of a wife. She rose in a violent temper one morning and gave her husband such a sultry half-hour that he was glad to take his porridge 1 outside his cottage. The lajfd happened to pass very early that morning, and expressed' astonishment at his. tenant eating his_ breakfast out of doors. “Deed, laird,” quietly observed Tammas, “the kitchen chimney as reekin’ verra badly—that’s the reason.” “Ah, we must see about that,” said the laird, and promptly proceeded to open the door. He had no sooner done so than a stool .hit the back of the door and slammed it in his face. Shaking his head solemnly the laird pawkily remarked: “So that’s how the wind’s blawin’, Tammas! Well, never mind—my ain chimney reeks just as badly at times !” s THE: ELDER’S LAMENT In some parts of rural Scotland it is still the custom, for the Church elders to “take turns” at the offertory plate in the vestibule of the church. I attended a little church in a Highland glen the other day and had a word or two with an old shepherd who was on duty “at the piaffe.” As wfe were speaking a little boy came up and handed him a sixpence.: saying: “My mother asks if ye would he kind enough to change this, Mr McPherson, because she hadn’t a pennv for my collection.” Solemnly the old shepherd took fivepence from the plate and dropped in the sixpence. “There ye are Duncan,” said the old man.: “Count it an’ see that I haven’t cheated either the Lord or your mother!”