QUIPS IN COURT

Hokitika Guardian, 8 October 1928, Page 8

QUIPS IN COURT

“She gave me two black eyes and 1 couldn’t move.”—A woman at Greenwich. * * * * * * * ‘‘For n night poacher he was quite brotherly.”—A gamekeeper at Ampthill , Bedfordshire. 1 # * * * * * * “My wife is very careful with her tongue to the neighbours— 1 get it all.”—A Plaistow man. * a, * * * * * Sir Charles Pinkham, the Willesden magistrate: It is curious that all persons charged here with being drunk declare that they have only had two “ hitters.” ******* Woman at Bow County Court, with a sweet smile: Would half a crown a week suit you?

The Registrar: Admirably. Pay I.os a month. “1 want my children to be bound over to allow me to be master in my own house.”—A man at Romford Essex. .a •::•*** * * Witness at Wollwich: Ilis speed was 40 or 50 miles an hour. Tim Magistrate: Are you sure it was not 80 or 90? Witness : No sir ; it would have been flying then. ******* Nottingham Woman: I left my wall-papering to go and have a fight. •Solicitor at Willesden: Was the smack a hard one? Woman: 'Look for yourself at this bruise. * * * * % * * “II have no witnesses, only my husband and he could not say more than 1 can say, I know.”—An 'East Ham wo ma n. ******* Man at Old-street: I was tired and went to sleep. Constable: He was’so drunk that be could not stand. * * * * * * * Man at Penge: My wife can have three parts of what I earn. Tlie Magistrate: Wliat do you earn? Man: I have no income. \ -x- -)f X -X- -X* -x- X" Man at Mansfield: I was walking out .with my wife and two ladies. ******* * Willesden Magistrate : Your husband owes you £ll6. What are his means? Deserted Wife: He means not paying me. *. * * * * * * Motorcyclist at Mansfield: I was learning to ride tlie machine, and having started 1 did not know liow to stop it. It stopped itself, beaten by the first steep hill. ****** * A man named Last complained at Bow County Court that bis name was last on the list of defendants.

*'•»* * * * * A man bound over at Newcastle on a charge of theft shook hands with himself in the dock and remarked: Thank you I expected to go to prison. m • * » * • Nottingham womna : I told her a piece of my mind, but 1 used no language whatsomever. ► * » if Mansfield man: Didn’t you give me a stinging blow on the ear? Woman: I should like the pleasure! * * * * “ You cannot always have recompense in this world.”—Mr Snell, the North London magistrate. A loquacious defendant at M e Ham: I am rather deaf. Mr Quicke, the magistrate: It is a pity you are not dumb. ***** Deptford woman charging her husband with assault: He hit me in the face and 1 knew no more until I was in (he kitchen of a policeman. * * * ** Man at Penge: Look at the black eye 1 have got. The clerk : A man with a black eye after a fight is nothing unusual.

Man summoned at Highgate for an assault: I am a Buddhist, and 1 cannot strike anyone, but f. am not going to allow another man to strike me. »«»*** ‘‘Kach time 1 have a bnbv my husband goes away for a few days.”—-A wife at Kingston .Surrey. ****** “I have lived in my house lor seven years, but have never spoken to my fel-low-tenant :”—A man at North London. * # % * * * * “My husband is just like any other husband—-lie lias a vvife to support.” A woman at Shoreditch County Court. Southend Defendant: The height of human nonsenseis to commit an offence under , the nose of a policeman.

Clerk at High gate to woman: What is your husband? Wife: J don’t know. He comes home and sleeps in the kitchen. * • * * * “I have had to increase my husband’s pocket-money as his beer costs him more, but ho declares he will have boor it the price goes up to a pound a pint!”—A woman at Shirebrook, Derbshiro. . ■ • i K * * * Clerk at Kingston-on-Thames: What is the number of your house—7 or 9? Defendant: .1 don’t know. Make i. seven. * * * * .Unhappy inaifringes are due to many causes, hut never until yesterday had 1 heard of a happy home being broken up (by a mouse. A young wife who had been married for ten mouths tearfully requested from M,r Gill a summons against her husband because of his cruelty. “What caused the trouble?” asked Che magistrate. “A mouse hole,” sobbed the young wife. “I beg your pardon,” ejaculated the startled magistrate. “Did you sav a “I s—said 1 a m—mouse hole,” blubbered the ton-months bride .“It was under the fire grate, and I asked my husband to fill it up, because I’m afraid of mice. He—lie lost his temper and he—lie hit me.” The perpetual warfare waged between mice and women will be embittered by this unhappy incident. ****** To hate a person thoroughly it is necessary to bo related to him or her, especially her. A woman can forgive anybody except lier relatives. “My mother is dying in a back room and my brother won’t, let me see her,” complained a middle-aged woman to Mr Oulton, who naturally and indignantly inquired, “Why not?” ' “Because I summoned bis wife, who was bound over in this court six weeks ago.” was the triumphant reply.

That little touch about the “back room.” was truly feminine. So was the exaggerated and sentimental suggestion of the old mother dying. It was just a family row, with the police court and (lie cemetery introduced as adventitious aids.

When Mrs .Bert left her husband for reasons best knwon to herself she did not know that his sister would give him £l2 to have and to hold for better or worse. Bereft of his wife, Bert bought a new blue suit and the biggest and brownest boots that I have seen in. the dock. Celebrating bis freedom, lie took his youngest daughter, aged 5 to bear him company, and a young unmarried, constable who had taken a pardonable dislike to Bert’s brown Hoots rescued father and child Iron) beneath the wheels of an omnibus. “It was so sudden,” pleaded Bert, who was put on probation for three months. “She left me with three chil” dren on the Friday, and T lost myself on the Saturday. I don’t know why she went, and I don’t know where she is. because we’ve bad our holidays.” ***** Joseph, aged 70. began fighting on Saturday and two constables were needed to take him to the police station. “1 am sorry,” be said contritely from the dock. “T am old enough to know better.” “Nice tiling,” exclaimed Mr Oulton severely.' “Here you are, alter keeping out of the bands of the police for 70 years, hitting comparatively young’ men. You ought to bo ashamed of yourself. Go away and don’t do it again.” “Thank you very much, sir,” Joseph, jumping joyously from the dock. These old first offenders are becoming a serious problem. A man who begins sowing bis wild oats at /0 is making a rare harvest for the grim reaper.