TOLD THE MAGISTRATE.

Hokitika Guardian, 28 January 1928, Page 4

TOLD THE MAGISTRATE.

LONDON, Dec. I. Metropolitan magistrates are invariably very kind to northern offenders. Men from Lancashire and Yorkshire who fall foul o! the police in London reveal such a keen sense of humour in their bland and childlike explanations that the magistrate, bored with conventional excuses, usually gives the jolly northerner preferential treatment.

Thomas Hopkins, wliite-lTaired and grey-whiskered, miner and soldier, is o" years old. Despite his age 'no lias served with credit- in Iraq, which will always be known as Mesopotamia. He lias a pension of 24s a week, and he came to London to answer questions about his record.

And then Thomas Hopkins, of Stalv-bridge, Cheshire, abstainer, miner. and good liver, succumbed to the fascination of London. “I was seized with a desire for drink,” lie confessed, “and ,breaking all my resolutions, T drank until I was drunk.” “And very drunk lie was,” said the arresting constable. “He was throwing his arms about and lecturing everybody.” “It gets me like that,” murmured Thomas, the miner, who was not only discharged but helped on his way home by the court missionary. These northmen always win out. ******

Fanny, wearing violets and a modest expression, declared from the dock that a child could lead her. “Not a bit of it,’’ retorted an indignant constable. “Nobody could lead her. Two officers and an ambulance were needed to take her to the police station.”

“Look here,’’ protested Fanny. “I only came out on Saturday. Have a heart; Christmas is coming. Be generous.” “It will be 40s or 28 days,” said the magistrate. “Good-bye!” exclaimed Fanny. “Meet you all in the New Year.”-

Ellen Maguire, whose real name is Larkin, coughed- apologetically and murmured. “I am 70, and I think my advanced years should be taken into consideration.”

“So must your advanced convictions,” retorted the magistrate, “But I only came out yesterday,” urged Ellen. “As soon as I got out f started to look for work, and, I ask you, could anybody find work in the fog we had yesterday ?” “You are old enough to know better,” observed Mr Fry, the magistrate, as he fixed the line at -(Os or 28 days. Ellen sighed, frowned at. the young and sympathetic gaoler, and observed. “After what I have seen of yesterday I don’t mind going hack. I never could abide fogs. ’ * * * * *

Flossie, fined 10-s for having been drunk, cheerfully admitted that she could not find the money. “Married a fortnight, and chucked out of our rooms yesterday,’’ she said. ‘‘l had a row with my old man, said more than I meant, he went oft' the deep end, T went on the drink, and here T am. 1 haven’t got ten hob. I’m going down. Happy days.

Thomas and Mary, brother and sister. are heavy-weights. Thomas, shy and reserved, stands Oft in his socks and weights about lost. Maly, genial and talkative, is an inch short of (‘At jiiul siivl<*s si I tout 13 st.

The pair came to London to enjoy a round of the theatres, but finding the modern drama lacking ill thrills, Thomas and Mary went; out into the Strand, where I hey played the principal parts in a play of their own. Thomas [licked up a pedestrian and threw him to Alary, who promptly I brew him back. Several citi-

zens. having been tossed about between Thomas and Mary, complained to a policeman, and four officers and the ambulance broke up the nursery

game. Afar.v assured Mr Fry that she would try to behave in the future, hut Thomas said nothing. The two shared the 7s fid lino and hastened away to the home farm.

Roy. a young man with a deplorable taste* in ties, had a very busy evening. He was ejected from a- cafe, turned out of the Hippodrome, and thrown out- of a public-house before a constable found him secure quarters in Bow street, the rental of which was only 7s fid. including break fust.