TOLD THE MAGISTRATE

Hokitika Guardian, 10 January 1928, Page 4

TOLD THE MAGISTRATE

LONDON, Oct. 5. Sassenach tests for drunkenness are not approved by Hector Macdonald, a Scotsman proud o~f the purity of his native tongue. lie and Edyvard Watson were lighting in Vaughall Bridge road until separated and arrested by P.C. 747 A, who, at Westminster Polico Court on Saturday, remarked that Hector was abusing his friend. Edward, who had a bandaged head and a black eye, nursed his injuries and his thoughts; but Hector Macdonald challenged the divisional surgeon's pronunciation and diagnosis. “About these tests," he argued. “The doctor asked me to say ‘Pappa’s pampered ponies,” and I as a Scotsman did not understand his English accent.

“Mind you (proudly), 1 think the Scottish tongue is much purer than the English, with its ‘Pappa’s pampered ponies,’ so J asked the doctor to say ‘Ecclefechaii, Anchtermuchty, and Blairgowrie.’ “Man (fervently), that is some test, and if the doctor pronounced these words in Scotland as he spoke them to me he would he arrested for drunkenness.” Hector and Edward wore put back by Mr Gill, the magistrate, in order that the doctor could he cross-exam-ined by the patriotic young Scotsman. • -**»•■* William met a friend lie had not seen for a long time, and the two l>egan arguing about football. William had just scored a try with his friend outside a public house when a. constable stopped play. •» » * * * Wheeling a. harrow from Batcrsen to Gloucester road and hack was too much for a costermonger, who refreshed himself with rum. Afterwards he was willing to wheel the harrow to Land's End. Indignantly denying the gaoler’s statement that he had been previously fined, the costermonger exclaimed, “Not me. My name’s William Henry Coulson—C-o-u-l-s-o-n. Von will find it tattood on my arm.”

•Edward, a pastry cook, should have appeared in court three weeks ago on a charge of being lighting drunk, but lie pleaded that his memory was so hazy that he could not remember the police station where he was taken hv P.C. 138 B. who has been busy summoning and arresting Edward ever since. “You remember me?” said P.C. 13S B wistfully; but Edward, who sufiored from neurasthenia, shook his head sadly and being ordered to pay 2“ costs, gave the constable a long, lingering look of farewell. * * * w * Albert, plump and prosperous had been to a. dinner. It was a very good dinner, so Albert said, and lie though! he was all right until he got into the open air, when he found himself i tinging tightly to a ("instable. “The policeman was very kind to me.” said Albert feelingly, as he paid 7s (id, the price of another dinner—without wine.

Frederick, who had also been dining, was discovered by another constable dividing his affections impartially between a lamp-post and the pissing omnibuses.

Every time an omnibus came in view Frederick would Have his lamppast, wave his arms wildly, fall down and then crawl lack to the lamp-post, (.nly t" repeat the performance v. it h the nexi omnibus. Ilis gratitude, to the police was also estimated at 7s fid. “1 want- my hat.” wailed -George Viboti. a young kitchen porter, to the super inteiident of the Chelsea casual ward. “No.” said the superiiitcmlen: firmly: “ you shan’t have your hat until yi -i have chopped all that wood •Shan't chop wood." replied George.. “Gimme me hat. 1 want t ■ go out with my friend.” “Oertainlv not.” replied the superintendent. locking up the hat. “Now you go to work and he a good casual.” •■I want me hat,” cried George. “R is cold and dralightv in the wood shed and f shall catch a chill. \ s the superintendent lemained firm and George- inntinned to sulk a poti: enui.ii was (railed and George, who li-sd a bad record, was sentenced to seven days’ hard labour. But be got his lull.

Wet nights had spoiled the exhibitions of Edward. alias .lean, a strong man, who. in the manner of the late H/mdini, releases himself from incoiivoiiienl situation;;, including a “Chinese torture hoard.” Huai in hgynl of French extraction, Fdward. a powerful but very sentimental young man much given to tears, was accused at Xort.li London Polite Court yesterday of stealing a diamond ring from his landlord, a fish-frier.

For live months, Edward the strong had lived in (lie home of the fishfrier. whom he assisted to bring raw material from the fish market; and he became one of the family to the extent of addressing his landlord as “Dad,” and his landlady as “Mother.” Edward, who described himself as a “restraint artiste,” which means that ho is a very difficult man to restrain professionally, decided to get married, and one morning he left the home of the fish-frier without saying good-bye. Later in the day his landlord missed a diamond ring which he had left in his waiscont placed in a linen chest, and he accused Edward the strong of stealing it. Edward, weeping profusely, affectionately referred In his landlady as “Mother” to her great annoyance, and tearfully assured “Dad” that he had seen the ring. Mr Pope, the magistrate, advised “Dad” to make a further search for the ring, and in the meantime Edward the strong, who had just heroine a bridegroom, was remanded in custody.

Family jars are almost as prolific as tenement troubles in providing cases at the police courts, where experienced warrant officers divide the world into neighbours and relatives. A wiry little woman in black complained that she was receiving threatening letters from her sister, who lived at Belsize Park. “She never says anything pleasant," observed the applicant. handing in a hunch of letters to the Bench, “and you will see that in the last one she promises to blind me with vitriol.

“Would any policeman like to take a walk to Belize Park this nice morning?” asked Mr Pope. Xot a policeman volunteered, so the oolire court missionary agreed to write n diplomatic letter (’which may assist the sister) to her sister. *»*«**

“Never quarrel in Die street.” advised Mr Cairns to a man and his wife who had fought "a family battle in Whitechapel. “Always enjoy your family jars at home and keep the row in the family.”

A sailor who had l>een ashore for a month made his regular appearance in the dork.

“Has he any money?’’ inquired the magistrate. “He is on the dole.” observed the gaoler.

“Ah, yes, unlimited supplies,” lemarked Mr Cairns, who knows how the dole makes criminals in the East End of Tendon;