TOLD THE MAGISTRATE

Hokitika Guardian, 6 January 1928, Page 3

TOLD THE MAGISTRATE

LONDON, Nov. 21. Howard the entertainer has earned his title. Three weeks ago he was arrested for having been drunk, since when he has demonstrated his innocence in a manner that not only eomvinced the magistrate, but also impressed the police. When lie was arrested he demanded a pencil and

paper so that he could make a chart of his little cell, and the originality of the request having earned a refusal, he made a mental chart of the cell which he recited with attention to detail nox. morning. He told the gaoler more about that cell than the gaoler had ever known, little homely touches and subtle appreciation of the decorative scheme that had escaped the official eye.

-Mit content with capturing the home atmosphere, Howard produced a pack of cards, and, asking the gaoler to pick at random three cards from the pack and place them m different corners of the cell, he said impressively: “To-

morrow morning I shall name those cards.” And lie did. Not only that, but lie brought bis landlady to say that she had never seen him drunk, and the landlord of a public-house to swear that he (Howard) had refused his (the landlord’s) invitation to have a drink ten minutes before he was arrested outside the Regent Palace Hotel.

No wonder Mr Canceller discharged Howard! Another week, and he would have needed the Albert Hall in which to stage his defence.

Li the prevailing craw for general knowledge questions the query, “ What is a wooden cell?” would leave most people guessing. There are two-wooden cells at Marlborougli-street, and they have been designed with a wooden floor so that when an hysterical prisoner throws himself or herself out of bed the abrupt contact has not the cold, bard, unresponsive reception of cement, but the comparatively warm and soothing acceptance of wood. Anyhow, whines from the wood were made by Arthur Watson as he struck his chamber floor for the third time. He had been put into one of tho wooden cells because after solemnly holding up the traffic in Piccadilly lie was seized with a desire to fight somebody. “ Excuse me,” lie said to a busy pedestrian, ” I won’t detain you for a moment, but I would be very glad if you fought with me.” .

His general invitation being coldly rejected, he sought a policeman with the request, “Will you fight with me?” “Certainly,” replied the officer pleasantly. as he doubled Arthur’s arm behind bis back, shook bis feet from under him, made him into a neat parcel, and put him into ail ambulance-. Arthur, who told tho magistrate that lie suffered from fits, was sent hack to bis little wooden cell for medical inspection.

Tho Vanderveldes have not been married very long, and John, having lost his jolt as an hotel waiter, took his young wife. Florence, to look at churches.

One of the churches they looked at was in New Kent road, S.E.. where the vicar had just had five beggars appealing for relief. When therefore, John lagged the price of a cup of tea. lor Florence the vicar said lie presided over a. church and not a general relief fund whereupon John broke one of the church windows.

Tso Vanderveldes were separated after a. brief honeymoon at. Tower Bridge Police Court yesterday when John was sentenced to a month in the second division and Florence was placed in the care of (he woman missionarv.

“What do you mean by swearing?” inquired Air Tassell. tlie magistrate, of a shy woman witness who complained of the bad language tied by her father’- tenants. The girl Restituted and blushed. “You know. The sort of language a lady never uses.” “But can’t you give the court a sample?'’ persisted .Mr Tassell. “Oh, really, I couldn't. You see, they say it to my mother, who is deaf and fcan’t hear it. They used words like ’’ whispering a very mild, almost ladylike swear word. The court was not shocked.

James entered the dock hurriedly and without waiting for the usual formalities, announced: “f wish to apologise. I was entirely in the wrong. Mine was the voice, hut the sentiments I uttered were inspired by drink, and I will pay ” “Half-a-erown and the doctor’s fee.'' interpolated the magistrate.

‘T can’t sleep when I am not. working.” explained Kathleen, an out-ol-work domestic servant, who was found guilty of disorderly conduct at a entree stall at 1 a.m. She had walked from Hayswater to Charlotte street. S.E., because she could not sleep, and, if she is out ol' a job much longer Kathleen (who was remanded) will probably reach Land’s End in a series of night marches.

Loft £6,000 by his father. Leonard Stevens lost the lot in speculation and for the first time, began to work. In a little while he had made €so—l>v embezzling from the firm that employed him as a traveller—and his punishment was three months in the second division. A railway fireman, alter four years on the footplate, became ambitious, so he said, and decided to bo a milk roundsman. Milk, however, was not his strong suit, and, still ambitious, ho became a traveller in metal polish. But he did not shine as a traveller. Still ambitious, fie tried bis hand at cross-word competitions, but it was a waste of words. Finally, be obtained quite a lot of money, until lie was found out, charged with embezzlement and remanded for sentence.

A man entered a grocer’s sjiop and demanded a dozen eggs, which were supplied to him. in a nice paper bag. Instead of leaving the shop carefully and sedately, minding his step, as behoved anyone carrying eggs in a paper bag, the man began to juggle with the eggs, throwing them up in the air, and casually catching taeni at different angles. “Don't do it.” pleaded the sliopkeeoer, a young woman. who was afraid that the eggs might go oir. Anyhow, she insisted that no man who was a man would treat eggs in that careless fashion, seeing the price tuey a re. But the man who is cruel to eggs hit her on the chest, and so- she tout out a summons.