TOLD THE MAGISTRATE

Hokitika Guardian, 24 September 1927, Page 4

TOLD THE MAGISTRATE

LONDON, Aug. 9. Chistopher and John Thomas are two young soldiers who may or may not get into trouble when, they return to barracks. The magistrate lectured them for bringing discredit on the King's uniform; hut what can a soldier do if a civilian hits him oil the left ear with a pint-pot? Christopher, a fine strapping young fellow, who had a natural affection for his left ear, stripped off his tunic, and, throwing off six uniformed comrades, charged into an interested crowd in search of the man who had swung the pint-pot. John Thomas, his pal, manfully stood by Christopher, and between them they cleared the crowd—only to fail into the hands of the police. Christopher lost his tunic, and both lost their liberty, but after the ‘‘quar-ter-bloke” has finished with Christopher, L don’t think their C.O. should he severe on the lads who chcerfullv took on odds of UK) to 1.

Albert Edward was busy heating his wife when his IC-years-old son jumped in and gave him a black eye. “And a very slim youth lie is,” said P.C. 313 M, who had boon called in by Airs Edith, a. neighbour, to

prevent Albert Edward from becoming an uninvited guest. But etiquette did not deter Albert Edward, who, loth to face his slim son, attacked Airs Edith. This was too much for P.C. 313 AT, a stalwart young man who with a cold and disturbing politeness handed to Albert Edward l:is discarded coat. Albert Edward looked at P.C. 313 Al, and went quietly. Because his wife and her neighbour declined to prosecute, Albert Edward was lucky, as the magistrate told him, to be let off with a 10s fine. He was much more lucky to escape the chivalrous instincts of P.C. 313 M, who looked as if he would gladly have sacrificed a. week’s pay just to have; one round with Albert Edward.

Alexander the Small is a Scandinavian sailor boasting the most artistic moustache seen outside a male beauty parlour. Blonde it was, with ingratiating curls on both flanks, the sort of moustache designed for a

Guardsman—and worn by a small, insignificant sailor who had lost his collar and tic, his month’s wages, and his sense of localitv.

Alt unofficial interpreter who scorned to take a fee announced that Alexander said ho was guilty of Having been singing drunk, and the little Scandinavian wlio ought to feel ashamed for taking such a gorgeous moustache into his sordid carousals, paid 7s Gd, the price of a fashionable shingle. * * * * * *

Spreading a torn raincoat for the magistrate’s inspection, a young married woman explained that when she called a young fruit-hawker named Bert a beast- “because.” she said, “•he kicked his horse,” lie went for

her. Bert said lie did not hit her, and then Bert’s wife came along. “That’s right,” she said, “I saw the young lady go for Bert, sr> I shouted out: ‘All right, Bert. Don’t push her—l’ll hit her.’ And I did,” she concluded simply. Bert’s mother stepped up. “That’s right,” she said. “And T held Bert’s baby while Bert’s wife hit the young ladv.”

A Policeman said: “The usual Saturday night scrap, sir.” The Chairman said: “Ten shillings for the assault and ten shillings for the damage to the raincoat.” The owner of the raincoat said: “Than yon very much, sir.”

Arthur, from the West Country, earne up to London for his annual holiday to see his youngest sister, Eliza, who is tho mother of nine children and also suffers from a bad leg.

Having cooked her husband's dinner. Eliza took Arthur to visit Aunt Alary at St. John’s Wood, and, to use Eliza’s remark, “Tuesday being such a rare lovely day,” brother arid sister went for a. blo\i- ill Hyde Bark. Hero Arthur got • excited over the religious and political meetings at the Afarblo Arch. Eliza tried to restrain him, but Arthur said he had come to London to enjoy himself, and it required two constables, one in plain clothes and the other uniformed, to suppress Arthur, who, being deaf, thought, that the plain-clothes officer was on the other side politically. | Brother and sister Were discharged I by Mr Chancellor. Arthur wished to I make a political speech, liiit with a “Come along, you,” Eliza led him firmly from the dock. ******

Eveline, who is so fond of literature that she brought Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s “Sonnets from tho Portuguese” into the dock, was found sobbing and sighing by the Fountain Gate. Her taste in poetry was better than her palate for wine, for siie liad been drinking the red vintage of Lisbon, which has a. methylated bouquet, and the Portuguese wine excited her more than the Portuguese sonnets. She asserted that she had mislaid her gentleman friend, with whom she had been sharing the music of words, and it was a pity he was not preseht j to share her fine of 40s. !

Edith, who wore ii tragic, expression i and the long skirt of yesteryear, re- j plying curtly to a charge of having ( used insulting words, said, “Yes. I : swore.” “It was in the Hnymarket at one o’clock in the morning,” added P.C. ■ C 406. “She ,was swearing horribly at j everybody fi-ho prissed.” j

“Did she ihake iifdividMl distinetions or was her disapproval general?” inquired the magistrate. “Very general, your wbiship,” replied the constable. “She seemed to have taken a dislike to everybody who was out late.”

“I am very sorry; it was a slip,” said Edith, who for the slips she passed in the night was fined 10s.

* * * * * | Gerald, up for a fortnight’ holiday from the Midlands, decorated the dock with a new brown. Suit, a regimental tie, a grey hat, and lavendar gloves.

Afodestly lie murmured that he ‘had > been drunk and disorderly. “AVhat was the disorder?” asked the magistrate. “Swinging round my neck in the Havmarket,” replied P.C. Cl6O resentfully. “I requested him to leave go several times, but the more I remonstrated with him the closer he clung.” “He showed some sense in seeking the right sort of protection,” observ-' ed Air Chancellor its he charged Ger-' aid 10s for using the constable as a ; steadying influence. Catharine Hoc-king, of the lacerated face and the green coat, starts drinking from scratch, and she can give ln,ost women drunkards two lines start and beat them to gaol. Fined: 10s on Monday, following three other convictions last month, she appeared hgaih with tho cheerful remark that' she had been working very hard. MYou will work much harder far, the next 1-1 days,” prophesied Air Chancellor, ,