TOLD THE MAGISTRATE

Hokitika Guardian, 14 August 1926, Page 4

TOLD THE MAGISTRATE

fight of one-lbggbd men. LONDON June, 24. Sealing a sudden friendship by the sign of the Southern Cross, the , man who is going out met the mail who has just returned in the corridor at Mai'l-bourougli-street Polico Court yesterday. Both had been fined 5s by Mr Mead, the Magistrate, for having been drunk, but whereas the middle-aged man in the sweater had celebrated his return homo after many years in Australia, young Donald from Scotland was in.joying a “ doch-an-doris ” before sailing for the Antipodes yesterday. The man who had returned gave good advice to the mail who was going out.“ Keep away from the drink, laddie, ” said lie earnestly. “It is a great but thirsty country you arc going to, and good luck to you. ” The man who had com® home was seized with sciatica at Tilbury, and spent a week in hospital abusing the English cf.imato. The young Scotsman had merely toasted his own success, and the meeting of the two outside the gaoler’s, room was like a halt at a sign-post, one arm of which pointed to adventure and the other showed the way home. a * * » Maggie Murphy, on her way home, sat- down to rest in a doorway. “Wliat are you doing here:*’’ asked a constable as the clocks struck eleven of the night. “Just sitting down, I am,” replied Mrs Murphy, “for by this and by that if I stood up the wliot’e of the City of London would bo falling down on me, so it would.” “Wo will take the risk,” decided the officer, as lie escorted Maggie Murphy to Vine-street Police Station ; and as it was not the lirst time she had dropped a curtsey to a magistrate, she was not given credit for a 10s fine, so Maggie Murphy returned to the ohl home in the Black Maria. * * v * *

One of the characters in ‘'Treasure Island” is a pirate so bald that he hides his naked hcluT beneath a gaudy handkerchief, and he came to life m the dock yesterday in the person oi a young man who was so bald that he could not split a. single hair in his defence. But if ho lacked hair he had many of the graces with which ho sought to fascinate girls in Tottenham Court-road. Undeterred by continuous rebuffs, be persisted in seeking to draw beauty, without a single hair, until a const abe took him in hand, and remarked, “Say young fellow, if you had looked into one glass instead of drinking from many, you would not waste your amc and mine in this Ton Juan act,” Mr Mead agreed, and estimated the cost of annoying eight girls at one .shilling each. * ft ft ft Two one-legged men began to fight in Oxford-street, and though neither possessed the deadly skill of Long John Silver, they made merry play with their crutches until a constable dragged them apart and left them without a (leg to stand upon. The loser hopped away, hut the winner. refused to take his victory lying down, with the result that he and the constable had a three-legged race to the police station.

Discord was introduced into the Harmony Club, Charing Cross-road by Alessr.s O’Hara arid Travi, two young men who at one o’clock in the morning having given a disagreeable duet, were ejected at tho unanimous request of tho members assembled. Insisting on 11.11 encore Messrs O’Hara and Travi returned to take a curtain, and obliged with a juggling act with j glasses which they threw at the hostile j audience. Constable 179 C was therefore sum- , moiled lo tho hall of harmony, and he j introduced an acrobatic performance | by tlio tumbling trio, who bounded into 1 tho street to the joy of the doorkeeper,.] who kept the way clear. After achiov- 1 ing several involuntary .somersaults ; O’Hara proposed a wrestling contest, j and bringing Constable 1.79 C to the ; “mat” knelt on his stomach and kick- | ed him. 1 “That must have been very awk- ] ward for me,” exclaimed O’Hara. “It must have been more awkward for the constable,” rejoined Air Aloud, as he charged £2 7s 6d for the performance, 40s of which was paid by ; O’Hara.

John Coots, a whimsical old man almost entirely surrounded by white whiskers, appointed himself vocafist extraordinary to Oxford-street.* “He made horrible noises,” said a constable, and people shuddered, threw money at him, and hurried by. “I can’t find work, I must not sing, land I shan’t starve,” said John Coots. “Well, you know what to do” remarked Air Alead. “AATiat’s that?” eagerly demanded the whiskered one.

“AVhy, go into the workhouse, whore you will be. comfortable,” replied the magistrate. “Not me,” exclaimed John Coots. ‘T have a comfortable heme, and I don’t want to go to any workhouse. Not so long as I have got a voice.” He was sent to have a talk with the court missionary, who is song-proof.

LONDON. June 20. SHEPHERD'S PIPES. Shepherds’ pipes no longer trill in Shepherd’s Bush, but "William the ■White-haired sought to capture something of the old pastoral poetry by playing an accordion at /the busiest hour of the busiest day in the busiest place of the suburb of sweet memories. According to the evidence of a constable at AVest London Police Court yesterday, an accordion is an instrument that, while content- to emit more or less musical sounds under skilfully regulated pressure, does not readily lend itself to brilliant executive treatment.

The accordion, I gathered, is a domesticated instrument with a fix'etl fireside motive, and it Has an oldfashioned prejudice for the old songs composed of tears arid treacle.

■William, the White-haired, driven reckless by rum, tried to fit accordion pleats on to a saxophone measure, and the outraged" instrument turned on him. Compressed, it drew him to port; extended, it filing him to starboard, and as lie swayed Hero and there at the bidding of demons of discord, lie was captured by a policeman fond of music. “ Where is the accordion now?” inquired Air Mead, the magistrate, in some Trepidation. “Safe in the police station,” answered the constable. ;

“Good,” exclaimed the relieved mag- 1 istrate as he took (is from William the white-haired, who was thereby left with fivepence and a fit of remorse. THAT DROP OF DRINK. i I really don’t know what our old j people are coming to. During the last] few weeks I have seen octogenarians j and septuagenarians stepping blithely. into the dock, chatting gaily with gaol- j ers, and ascribing their lamentable out- j bursts to the high spirits of age. Many j of our old folk secni to have one foot j in the cradle. Edward Taylor, for in- ; stance. Jfe has passed the allotted span of the Psalmist, hut at half past nine on Saturday night he was enjoying himself by fighting with lads of fifty or so, and when the inevitable poiicemah arrived, the old-age pension- j pr wq? the only one who refused to j

quit, and, deprived of opponents, lie offered to fight the constable. “Drop of drink; met a pal; don’t take much to upset me,” said Edward to Mr Mead, who himself being more than seventy years of age, shook his head at the bad lad and fined him ss. A DEBATOIi. Benjamin of the flaxen locks decided at 8.30 on Saturday night that all was not well with the universe. At 8.35 he was earnestly impressing his views on a company of friends who did not share his pessimism. At 8.40 he. had the undivided attention of P.C. Sharp, who declaring the meeting adjourned, moved, seconded, ‘and passed a resolution that Benjamin should continue the debate at home. “Shan’t” said Benjamin. Forming himself into a committee of enforcement Constable Sharp added P.C. 273 Xto his number and carried tbo resolution which was Benjamin. Declaring that P.C’. 273 X was not in order, being in plain clothes, Benjamin hit him. in the stomach. . “Do you know whom you are hitting?” gasped P.C. 273 X, doubling up with the pain. “Certainly.” replied Benjamin, hitting him again .in the same place. “So long as you know it is all right,” groaned the officer as lie feebly, but eagerly assisted Constable Sharp to remonstrate with Benjamin, who, to the grief of his wife, who was in court, was 'sent to prison in the second division for 14 days. ' P.C. 273 X is still on the sick list. * * * * * * JELLIED EELS. Jellied eels are not included by explorers and big-game hunters in the classification of dangerous creatures of the forest and the deep. But I am afraid the omission must he corrected. Jollied eels, hitherto regarded as a domesticated and somewhat plegmatic fish of a slimy and insinuating disposition, may, when invigorated by alcohol, directly stimulate sudden and fierce anger leading to primitive violence, j Anyhow, jellied eel's it wps that in-ought Mr and Mrs Page and their

friend, Clinrles Whelan, to the dock. When Mrs "Page innocently partook of cels, stewed and jellied, she did not: know that n strange woman, drawn by tlie pugnacious influence of the eels, : should, without the formality of an ultimatum. smite her severely across the face. Mr Pago did not know that he was destined to engage in painful , combat with the husband of the un- : known woman; and P.C. Townsend when ho hooked the arrest of the two Pages was hlissfuly ignorant of the fate that awaited P.C. 279 T., to whom ‘bo banded Mrs Page. Likewise, Charles Whelan did not know that he was acting under the evil spell of the jellied cels when he tried to rescue M’’s Page from custody. But the chivalry did not save | diaries from the evil influence of the i jellied cels. No sooner had lie kicked | out at P.C. 279. I’., than his foot was : mysteriously caught between the logs . of the officer and lie fell helpless to the ground. Recognising that a- stronger i force than themsolv.es was operating j against them the Pages and friend j Charles succumbed, and among them paid £3 <(s for their adventure with I jollied cels.