TOLD THE MAGISTRATE

Hokitika Guardian, 31 July 1926, Page 4

TOLD THE MAGISTRATE

LONDON, June G. Family squabbles were brought for settlement to Air Rooth, the magistrate, at Lenibetli Police Court yesterday.

“ These two sisters have been fighting.”. announced the warrant officer, introducing two- middle-aged women who showed the same taste in earrings, but not in injuries. No. 1 pointed needlessly to a couple of black eyes, and No. 2 removed her hat the better to display the latest style in scratches.

“That’s the sort of nails she has; tried to tear my eyes out,” declared No. 2. “ And it’s all jealousy because T won’t drink with, them.” “ You were drunk when you blacked my eyes,” retorted No. 1, glancing distastefully at No. 2’s hat. “ You’re a liar!” snapped No. 2. “ Arc you both satisfied now? ” inquired the magistrate patiently. “No,” replied the two sisters for the first time in agreement. “In that case,” remarked Mr Rooth pleasantly, “ I well help you by binding you over to he of good behaviour to each other and the rest of the world for six months.”

“These two brothers have had a hit of a difference,” explained the warrant officer, replacing the two women by two worried-looking men. “ Any relation to the two fighting sisters?” asked the magistrate. “ Oh no, sir,” said the elder brother hastily. “We have not quarrelled. J am Harry and this Bob, and we want to know about .fames. Mother diedfive weeks ago ” “And left no will,” interpolated Bob. “ I’ll tell him,” observed Harry firmly, and acccordiug to a rather long story the family, except Bob, had agreed to leave James in possession of the house and furniture because lie had always looked after his mother. Bob resented Harry’s authority as elder brother and went so far as to suggest that Harry was not really one of the family. Bob bad taken possession of the house and proposed to sell the furniture; so please would the magistrate settle the dispute? Mr Booth, however, declined the responsibility, and suggested the employment of a solicitor. Ilob and Harry, who were painfully refraining from quarrelling, left to have another talk with James, who was guarding the furniture.

“Who's ’’ii you ina’m?” asked the magistrate of the next applicant, an agitated little woman, who replied indignantly. “The gentleman in the top flat. He is not really a gentleman,” she added hastily. “ He’s a filthy pig Oil three occasions lie sent bis child into the yard to pick the roots out of the flower-boxes and when I told him his proper name he ordered me to take my beautiful (be didn’t say beautiful) flowers inside. And when I told him a few things be smacked my face.” “ Wo will caution the gentleman who is also a ‘ filthy pig,’ ” promised Mr Booth.

Despite ibis name, Edgar Cantor is n young Scottish miner, and he entered the dock handicapped by a Glasgow accent, a magenta tie and yellow boots. “fie was singing a song I bad never heard, and doing a dance 1 bad never seen,” said a constable. “Not tile Charleston ? ” suggested -Mr Eooth. “ No, sir, something Hke the antics of a drunken Dervish,” replied the officer. “It was a ITielan’ fling,?’ protested the young Scotsman, “ and I was nae sac drunk after; a’. I had been to the Victoria Palace with anither Scotsman, 1 and we treated oorsels, and then uc met anither fellow who treated us to whisky.” “ You should not get drunk.” rebuked the Magistrate. “ Rut it was with anither fellow’s money,” exclaimed the Scotsman righteously. " I wasna’ really drunk hut was as near drunk as I’ve ever been.” “ And how do you feel this morning? ” inquired Mr Booth. “ Eli. but I’ve got a pain in ma heid.” confessed the' young miner. “ Let it he a lesson to you,” exhorted the smiling magistrate. “It will,” promised Edgar Canter. “ Mind you, I’ll have a drink if anybody aslis me, but I’m not going to pay for it.” And everybody was convinced that he would keep his promise—this side of the Cheviots.

Frederick the Little lost most of his money at Epsom and his sense ol decorum a Camberwell, where he was arrested for being drunk and disorderly. “He was standing against some railings telling everybody be was a fool,” said a constable. ■‘That is undoubtedly true, but not disorderly,” decided the magistrate, who. however, charged Frederick the Little 5s for startling a cyclist so that he fell off bis machine.

“ X„t horse-racing, but social ambition. has been his downfall;” said a detective of a Camberwell rent collector who bad collected £lO from bis employer’s desk. The collector. Who joined the firm “practically as an office b„y ” at the age of 33, bad. after 14 vears’ service, obtained a responsible position and acquired a liking for the company of people better off than himself. Getting into good company, he increased his own salary, and. worse still tried to fix the felony on an innocent colleague, and that was the chief reason he was fined £2O.