WITTY IRISHAMERICAN.

Hokitika Guardian, 29 August 1919, Page 4

WITTY IRISHAMERICAN.

AFTER-DINNER APHORISMS,

At a luncheon given at the Savoy Hotel, London, on June 6, to Lieuteuaut-Connnauder Read and Commander Towers, of the United States Navy, the aviators who crossed the Atlantic, via the Azores, landing at Lisbon, a speech was delivered by Mr Patrick Francis Murphy, described by the “Daily Telegraph ” as one of the wittiest of American speakers.

AfterLieut-Commander Read had proposed “The English-speaking Race—the Best Race on the Face of. the Earth,” Mr Murphy said news nowadays was so extraordinary that we had lost the capacity for surprise. The most unusual things had become usual. Why, even the sacred places in Scripture were treated with light familiarity. They had read of Australian soldiers bathing aud disporting themselves in the Sea of Galilee. The British Army went into Mesopotamia, and British Tommies were strolling in the Garden of Eden, never giving a thought to that unfortunate affair of the apple. (Laughter.) “ Germany has not gained half of Europe by murder and robber} 7 ,” said Mr Murphy. “ Having exhausted herself, then, with tears in her eyes, she asked for the cessation of hostilities, on the ground of humanity—(laughter)—and the world said, ‘ Exhausted cruelty is not humanity.’ It is the psychological state of mind of the celebrated criminal who, having murdered his father aud mother, asked the clemency of the Court on the ground that he was an orphan,” (Laughter.) The two English-speakiuguations (proceeded Mr Murphy) were confronted with the hostilities of peace. Things did not seem to be going along as quietly as when we were at war. (Laughter aud cheers.) “In America,” he continued, “ we have the ashes of the Monroe Doctrine and Great Britain has the Emerald Isle. (Laughter.) On our borders we have Mexico, that wonderful country wheie every now and then peace breaks out. (Laughter.) Now, il Great Britain would only take over Mexico we could do very well with Ireland — (laughter and cheers) —for many of our largest cities are already accustomed to Hibernian Plome Rule. “ Every one of us wishes to make the best arrangements of liis life. In his youth he is confronted with two alternatives —matrimony and celibacy. He learns that matrimony has its thorns and celibacy has no roses. (Laughter.) So the question is whether it is better to be inconvenienced one way or another. But he finds as he goes through life that matrimony is the more popular, for it is with matrimony as it is with good mustard —people praise it with tears in their eyes. (Laughter.) “ Some very improper person has advanced a theory that people are either young and innocent or old and virtuous. (Laugluer.) So that proves that there are three periods of life. The first is when we are very young, aud we think of the indiscreet idlings we are able to do that is the age ot innocence. The second is when we are older, and we are able to do the things we thought of when we were young. The third is when we are very old, and we are looking back on the tilings that we were able to do when younger, and regret our inability to recommence them. That is the age of virtue. (Laughter). It is said that virtue, like the owl, dwells in ruins. It is

about that period that old men give young men good advice, when they are no longer able to set a bad example.” (Laughter.)

In an allusion to prohibition, Mr Murphy said the Scriptural injunction was that “ Man cannot live by

bread alone’' —he would die of thirst. There were many public

men-in America who did not care

for liquor, so they took it away from those who did. “ Morality is the attitude we sometimes assume towards the unattractive. It is easy to resist temptation when it is offered by the wrong person or at an inconvenient time. (Laughter.) Liquor has more enemies in public and more Iriends in private than anything else. Writers claim that it stimulates the imagination. If that is true and liquor is banned, that will be a great blow to women, for it is noticed that the women’s best asset is a man’s imagination.” (Laughter.) “Religious objections have been made to prohibition. It has been discovered that if you search the Bible through, from Genesis to Revelations there is only one instance on record of a man asking for a glass of water, and he was in hell.”