An Amusing Essay.

Horowhenua Chronicle, 16 June 1910, Page 4

An Amusing Essay.

PIANO TUNERS

(By Barry Pain.)

Piano tuners—so-called, from a Creek word signifying one who never wipes his boots—are vory difficult to domesticate properly. They may be enticed into a bouse by the offer of a piano to tune; biiit as so'oiii as they have satisfied their appetite with it, tlliey rush off at once, unless they aro forcibly prevented. Our greatest living naturalist says in a recent work: "I am not acquiainlted with any instance of .piano tuneirs being kept in a state of captivity. Little is known of their habits, as opportunities for observation are very rare." Another writer of hardly less repute merely ireniarks that they are very shy, have sharp talents, and a very moderate bill. I have no hesitation is saying that if these tlwo writers had 'only exercised a little patient research, they might have had. much more to toil us. They aire not even correct. T

myself own a beautifully marked piano tuner who comes to me every few months. They like their liberty, it is true; but when it hoy get to know you they always come back at regular intervals. Their curious passion for tuning pianos vis very strong, and may be utilised to secure their capture. Take a piano, put it into a furniture van, and shut the doors; thten drive it slowly down the street of any suburb. Presently you will see a group of these interesting lilt'tlle animals, with their anxious faces and little black bags, running behind the van, and only pa using (to fight one another. So remarkable is their instinct, that they can scent a grand piano on a clear day ait a distance of over two miles. It is easy enough to select from the little group of tuners the one which you would like to have for your own ; a few shots will disperse' the rest. Rut their plumage is not very valuable, and it would be brutafto kill many of them. Although, as I have pointed ou't, they are very pugnacious 'amongst themselves, they rarely bite a fancier. Wiben you have selected your tuner, give iiim a piano to worry, and then, let him go awa.v. Do not keep him on the chain, because that will only, make him unhappy. If you have treated him properly, lie will probably come back to you. When tihey are not devouring pianos, it is believed that tuners made their lair in the little It'ropica.l drawing-rooms, where there are stuffed huimiiimg birds and luscious waxen fruit, and the tenants flit softlv awav in ithe moonlight. There is generally a brass plate outside, and it is said that females of the species are as likely as not, if provoked, to undertake d/ress-making. But this is mere conjecture. In the same way the statement that the females of piano tuners always teach in a Sunday school is only suppositioni, based on tlhe fact, which so many fanciers have, noticed, that piano tuners invariably refuse a second glass of sberrv.

I have frequently been asked by young fanciers on what principles one should choose a pi,mo tuner. Tt is an easy enough task. Just as one prefers « velveteen coated photographer to the other kind, bemuse he a-ppars to have a higher tone, but is not more expensive; so, in choosing a. tuner, you should select the one which has the longest hair. Of course, a good deal depends on (the purpose for whioh you want him. The longhaired invest their work with' the most artistic merit ;but those which part tiheir hair in the middle are th« best eonversaJtionalists, and are far more likely to wear varnished boots. It is not altogether pleasant tt'o watc-h a -hungry tuner a.t work. You turn tihe animal into the room where the poor piano is lying. He glares wildly around, until he sees his prey; then throws down his hat, and dashes at the instrument. In a 'moment he has torn olf its hide, and you may hear him breathing heavily, with his head on_ its entrails. Then he withdraws his head, and proceeds more slowly with his repast, taking little pecks at it. The poor instrument cries piteously, but it is not safe to interfere with a tuner after lie has once tasted octaves. YVhen he first opens the piano, it is, however, usual to make some remark in order to encourage him; if the remark is 'technical, it should be correct. It is noit right to say, "The mainspring's gone, I'm afraid;" or, "There will be a good deal of soot in it, -as we didn't have it dono liast winter." That sort of thing only makes the tuner angry; it is both kinder .and wiser to poinit out to him how seasonable tlbe weather is.

If you intend to keep a, piano timer, you must be very careful not to oisapptjjnit him. Tuners are sen>sitive creatures. A man once told a young, fair-haired tuner to c-omo in afternoon, not knowing that bis AA'it'o had told a. grizzled plethoric tuner to come in the morning. So AAlieu tliie young fair-haired animal came in the afternoon the piano Avas already tuned. But the butler knew nothing al>out it, and shut the animal up in the dra'wing room alone, and put sherry Avibhiin easy reach. After an inlterval of tAvo hours the butler entered the room flgain, and found the tuner dead on ■the music stool, with his head in a black bag of tuning instruments. Tt is supposed that the poor animal, finding the instrument in perfect tune, then tried the pitch. You caninot touch without being defiled, and the disappointment, dealemenit, and sherry—acting together on an already enfeebled constitution—had broken the tuner's heart. I forget Arhafc they did Avith the body, but I do no;t think they 1 w*. 0n (>tll ' o,r hand, another friend assured me that he had his piano tuned by three of these nmma Is in one day, and that they all of _ them /told him that it wanted doing very badly. His rooms were av recked that night bv the occupants of other moms on the same staircase, but otherwise lib seemed pleased \vitli Jus experiment.