ON AN AUSTRALIAN FARM.

Horowhenua Chronicle, 14 May 1910, Page 4

ON AN AUSTRALIAN FARM.

CHAPTER I. THE BITER BIT. TEo COLD winter morning at sfj|\ "Fairfield." Tlie land ivas jNjf white with .snow. The wood- •*"* heap, .smothered in it, lay like a mass of melting salt,' and on. the water in the trough by the windmill rested a sheet of ice twenty feet long. Cold! it .was cold. "Heggs an' haeon ; bacon an' heggs," said old John Dashwood, rubbing -his horny hands together as ho cheerily eyed the savoury breakfast his wife set on the table of the old fashioned country kitchen. Then as he took his seat—the seat nearest the stove—and proceeded to. "serve out" : "What be for yon, James?" James, the eldest son, was about twenty-one. "Eggs and bacon, I suppose, Father," drawled he, his frost-bit-ten face, after a hard scrubbing in the "roller" towel, "hanging outside, glowing like an Australian sunset. "An' thee, Peter?" "Bacon and eggs," said Peter with a laugh. Peter was the second sou and had inherited his parent's peculiar idea of humour. And old John's idea of humour was to make jokes—good, had, and indifferent jokes—.and to cnjov them himself. "Be there no 'n' else for breakfast, mother?" And old John's eyes roamed round in search of the rest of the family. "Pollv and Tilly are at the separator," Mrs Dashwood answered — "don't mind them, they'll have theirs directlv. along with Grandma and little Andy." "Ah-h then what abahth V self. Mother?" Oh, T'll wait and take mine with the others, too. Father." Ah-h: then beint so, Ah'll help maself to a little o' beach." And old John proceeded to burden his plate with "hegcrs an' bacon, and bacon an' heggs." Mrs Dashwood smiled at the good naturod husband, and said : , "Ts that what you call a little of each. John?" "Thet wer' what my old gran'fether alez used to say, Elahser." lie explained, drawing his knife through the fried egg in several directions and leaving a track that resembled the Southern Cross. "Heggs an' bacon, and bacon an' heggs, wer' a great old savin' o' his, poor old boy!" Tie must have been a humourous old boy; that grandfather of yours Father," James, the cynic of the family, put in without lifting his head. Old John stared at his wife and grinned/ Then he looked at James. He seemed to suspect James of insincerity. Finally ho said : "Ah-h. Tt never struck me that he wer'. lad. when be wer' alahve; but when Ah comes to look n.t some of his great gran'sons Ah thinks he must ha' hod a lot o' it a bah t 'u." And he broke into a series of low. rumbling chuckles, which he put down to the score a K«ilist James. Peter with a loud shrill laugh joined in his parent's mirth, and recked .about on bis chair in thorough enjovment of the joke. To Peter, old John was the fountain of humour-he was the wag. I the wit, the comic opera of the farm. "Fine, jolly fine indeed. Fatherredly splendid!" ho shrieked in commendation. Then he rocked about again, and, to emphasise his .appreciation, struck the corner of the table with his hand, and kicked his feet about, till Tom, the cattle dog, who always lurked unmolested there at meal times, was compelled to defend himself. Tom. an impartial sort of dog. promptly defended bimsolf by biting James on the calf of the leg. James immediately made trouble. "Oh. wow! oh til' devil! be cried with extraordinary suddenness, and, in a wild effort to lift'all of himself .above the table, lost a lot of .his bacon and eggs. Old John misunderstood the situation. "Never mahnd, lad." he said apologotieally—"never mahnd." And reaching over, he administered a soothing pat on the crown of bis sou's head. "Ab wouldn't .hurt yow'er feelin's; nob, nob." "Feelings! It wasn't you," James growled. "That infernal dog under there!" And he kicked out blindly at Tom. Old John understood. "That! diiln' halite thee?" he asked in surprise. "Did he!" and James sulkily reached down and rubbed • the wound, then aimed another kick at the canine. Oid John ordered Tom to leave the kitchen. "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!" Peter broke out in a most unexpected sort of way. "It was—Was me!" ho cried, throwing himself hack. 'I remember now, touching Tom with my foot. Ha, ha, ha, ha! And he bit James. Ha. ha, ha, ha!" Peter spread himself all over his breakfast, and shed tears of delight on it. "Ah-h!" and old John eyed the laughing one with serious countenance. "Then sbouldst been thee to get the halite." "Yes! Ha, ha, ha!" the other veiled. Ah-h!" Old John seemed to feel that there had been a miscarriage of jusftice. ,"Of course! Ha, ha, ha, ha!" from Peter again. "That's where all the fun of it is,—don't you see it, Father?" Convulsions seemed to take hold of Peter. He threw himself about until his breakfast toppled over on the floor. _ And, Tom, who hadn't obeyed his master's command to leave, the premises, instantly pounced on the fallen provender. "Strut! Strut! look at 'n!" old John exclaimed. "Tom! Shah! Oh, you bru'te! my eggs!" from Peter. '"Flick! Hop!" from Tom; and all that was left for Peter to rescue was a clean plate. "Didn't get it?" old John, who had half risen in bis place, asked excitedly. "Did he what, Father!" and Peter, with a sort of grin, displayed the empty plate. Peter's loss acted as a. palliative to James, who brightened up. "Serves you riglit," be said with a pleased smile. "It'll stop some of your tomfoolery perhaps." "A case' o :tb' babter bein' bit," said the no rent, with a philosophical grin, and he settled down to proceed with his breakfast. "But that doesn't in this case, does ft, Father?" Peter answered. Peter was a student of logic, and in a v heart-breaking kind of way, w,ns always engaging bis parent in debnte. "Tn this instance I was not the j

A SERIAL STORY

By "Steele Rudd."

biter," ho went on—"you must admit that?" For a moment old John reflected hard. His lave of argument was even greater that Peter's. Peter laughed. Ho always laughwiien he felt he had his opponent cornered. Ho always laughed when he felt he was cornered liiniself. "Von see, .James was ,tho person hit," he giggled, going <| e ep into the matter for the benefit of liia baffled sire. ""NVt-llP" .-.aid old John calmly— "an' what then, lad?" "And Tom was the biter; isn't that so?" * "So, lad." "Then how can you make mib that the biter was bit, Father? Tom you admit was the biter— well, who bit Tom?" "Oh, shut up and have your breakfast!" in tones of disgust from James "Xoli, noh,!'' protested old John, upholding Peter's attitude, let 'n 'lone; 'lone." And putting down his fork he looked steadily at Peter like a huge snake- mesmerising its breakfast. "Xow, see 'n here," he said, "it wer' ,'thee, lad, who 'wort at fault, he kit-kin' of Tom, and causin' 'n to bah to James, wert so?" Peter nodded his head, and grinned assent. "Thee caused the act, lad?" Peter again assented. "Thet beint so, then 'twer tlioo bit James, lad, ami not Tom. Wert so?" And a grin canio into old John's face that broadened and broadened like the light spreading aver the sky at daybreak. "Good I By Jove, verv goodvery fine, Father," Peter brook out when he saw the logic of his parent's brilliant argument. Peter was liberal and just in debate. "I never saw it that way; blessed if 1 did," ho added. "And I was sure I had you beat for once." "Ah-h, uoh," said old John, shaking his head, "no un ever had me lad-'cept it ■might 'a' been your mother." "Except Mother?" Peter echoed wonderingly. Mrs Dashwood, who had just entered from the inner part of the house, smiled and said : "Indeed, I'm sure your mother never had him, Peter." "Xoli? responded old John, with another grin. "If that wert so, mother, on' yo' never had me, Ah'd be single ye;t. Ho, ho, ho!" And lio laughed heavily at his own peculiar joke; while Peter, who regarded it as a brilliant cor rust-a-lum, yelled in cheerful appreciation. ' .lames, with a look of torment ou his face, turned to Peter and snapped: "Have a. bit of sense!" Hut Peter was only provoked into fresh merriment, and, when he recovered, pointed his fork at James, and addressing his parent, cried : "He doesn't see the joke, Father." "Doan't un soo it. lad?" old John asked in .sympathetic way of James. "See it! "the other grunted, contemptuously, it's hard to see a thing that's not there." "Not there?" cried old John. "Ah-h? Xoh? is'n not?" And he laughed a.b James for having no sense of humour. '-'Ah wouldn't lahke to he harn like thee-, lad." and he went on eating. Peter laughed several more bars at James' expense. James silently reached across the table and helped himself to another egg. "Thee baint he blahnd in every wav, then, lad?" came slowly from ol(l B.SOIIII. "Thee can see the point o' a hegg in front of yow easv enough!" More noise from Peter, and when his mirth had ended, James, steadily devouring the egg, looked up and drawled : "Yes, I can see the point of a esg when it is before me without any trouble; but I suppose either nf'vmi can see the hen there as well?' , , , L Peter felt inclined to hugn, but controlled himself. He seemed in controllo dhimeslf. He seemed in doubt as to whether James had reallv made a joke or not. "Well, noh, lad. noh; hut—-" And old John paused; while Pete?, his mouth agape, his eyes sparkling in joyful anticipation of the gem nf humour he knew was about to fall from his brilliant parent, sat ready to greet it with lull measure of merriment— "boot we's mav he able to see the diet-kin'." 'fhe Laugh that burst from Peter could it have been staged, would have tMirit-hed a theatrical manager. Old John's red, glossy face broke out into acres of smiles, as he looked up and gazed in 11 self-satis-fied sort of way at Mrs Dashwood. Peter's excessive mirth irritated James. "Well, I'm hanged if I know," ho said, "what the deuco the Government want to protect laughing jackasses for." Hut litis satire was too .subtle, ft was altogether beyond the comprehension of the others. They suspected him of trying to evade the subject, and regarded him as a fugitive trout the stings of their witticisms. "Protect laughin' jackasses lad?" grinned old John, filling his mouth with bacon. "Xo un he atalkin' ahaht them." There was no interruption. Granny Dashwood, mother of old John, huddled beneath a brown shawl, and a. white calico cap which sat on her head like a home-made penwiper, .hobbled into the breakfast table, rubbing her long bony hands together. • "All be aheain' great fun amang yow," she squeaked, crouching into a. seat beside James. "It was the jackasses you heard, Granny," James answered, speaking into her ear. "Jaik Hedley?" said Granny, looking round the table, "bo he amang yow?" "Jeckesses, .he said, Mother,' old John shouted in a loud voice. Granny, whose sense of hearing was most unreliable, made an eartrumpelt of her hand and said: " Who?" Peter laughed. Granny cast .a look of srorn at him. "Jackasses, Grandma,"Mrs Dashwood said, approaching the 'aged one's chair. Then in romonstration with the cheerful one: "You musii't laugh at her, Peter." "This kind, of jackass. Granny, and James, with his .thumb indfeatI eel Peter. "Jaik ■ Hedlev," Granny rattled on, "roon'd off with Mrs Belly Biwvn whpii us wer' ashenperdin' on The Fal's, an' no n" never see him aenin hue Sammy Relby. He s°en his q-host. Yes, he seen his T + rt-nij isiVnit 8 o'clock one Tin lit who'i he he camped at th' c„Vk " A pwieral In nodi went round the t.nhlfl n.f, Granny. "Oh, Sammy ded," Granny per-

sisted. "Ho swore to it when bo wer' alahve. Ho seen th' ghost room oop aht o' th' wattor m the middle o' ;tli' naht, an' it set ralit oesahd mi. We wer' asheppordin' at The falls " Old John, pointing to the 'breakfast dish, shouted: "Doan't mahnd the ghost, Mother. What'll yow take, heggs an' bacon or bacon an' heggsP" "It's foi'ty-nine year sence Jaik Hedley went off," Granny continued, "an' yow wasn't horn then, mah boy- —" "Ah wern't?" interrupted old John, "wern't born forty-aiine year ago? Ho, ho, hoi Ah-h, aji' many a year afore 'n', if Ah renuMiibars raM. (Lilting his voice.) Yow fergeto Ah wer' born ait sea, Mother," "Oh, that for you being always at sea now, Fathter!" Peter delighted at 'the opportunity to make a joke, broke in. "What 'n did thou say?" Granny asked, fixing her sunken eyes on Peter. "Pter is only joking with his father. Granny," -urs Dashwood tried to explain. "Don't mind him." "In chokey-his father?" Granny chirped. "Xoh, mah boy wer' never in th' chokoy; but mah good man. James, wer', but only for a moonth." Hero Granny broke off into meditation, and old John felt called upon to make an explanation inMio i'amilv interest. , " What she's tliinkin' abaht," he said, "Aver' one tahme ymv'er grandfather walloped a chap for sayin' .something to him. an' he wer' lined two pounds or a month in the lockup." " And he preferred tho lock-up, yh, Kather?" Peter put in. "Ah-h, he preferred the lock-up, 'cause he wanted tho money." Then to Granny. "Will you have a hegg?" "\o, she won't have any, John." Mrs Dashwood said. "I've some porridge in the stove for her," and she turned and placed a plate of steaming porridge before Granny. "Yes, it be forty-ono year since Jaik Hedley daliecf," Granny proceeded again, and Peter broke out with a loud "Ha Ha Ha! it was forty-nine awhile ago." "She can't get over Jack Hedh'.v," Mrs Dashwood said with an amused smile, "can she?" "You have got Jack Hedley on th' brain, Mother," said old John. Granny looked up at him and answered: "Yow think it will rain? Ah thinks it will too, mah boy. Mali back and mah poor knees wer' all a achin' this moniin'." Peter nearly went into fits. Polly and Tilly bounced in from the dairy. "Whatever on earth is going on?" Polly exclaimed. "Wo could hear Peter yelling a mile off—and just look at him now." "Hear him!' 'Tilly added. "He laughs like a great calf. Listen to him. What in the name of goodness is he laughing at? Have you been making a fresh lot of jokes, father?" "Me? Well, yes." old John answered calmly. "It wer' " He was interrupted by Granny. "Mali poor pet lambs," she said caressingly to the robust, fairskinned girls, "yow're perished with th' coald. Come yow to the fire an' get warm (starting to rise from her seat). Ah'll bring summit to put on yow're showlders." The two girls pounced on the kindly-disposed grandmother and gently forced her 'back into her chair. "Just you stay where you are and have a good breakfast, Granny," they vaid, "we're as warm as toast. You know you shouldn't have got up until we came to dress yon." Granuv felt their hands. "Poor" little kittens!" she murmured, "vow're cold as death." Ha, ha', ha, ha!" from Peter. "They were pet lambs a minute .ngo-'now thew're- kittens. They'll be cats directly. fla, ha, ha, Tomcats! Ha, ha, ha, ha, just fits them, don't vou think so. Father?" "More lahke tom-bovs," was his parent's answer, and Peter became seized with a fresh spasm of mirth, in the throes of which he upset his tea. "Lok at the silly!" Polly cried. "I knew Father would crown it." Peter gasped "Tom-boys; that's just what they are. Ha, hn, ha, ha!" "Oh, you!" Tilly snapped. I'd sooner be a torn-boy any day than a Tom Thumb." Tilly was reflecting on her brother's small stature. Peter was undersized for his age. "Or a. tomfool!" James put in. It was tho girls' turn to laugh, now. Peter's eyes rolled about in his head, and ho seemed lost for a suitaide retort. "Cans't not answer 'n, lad?" old John queried, looking at Peter. "No, he's waiting for you !to do it for him, Father," Polly said. Old John laughed. '•Doan't let 'n beat yow," he went on. "Hit 'n hard, lad." "I was trying to think of something I saw in the book 1 was reading last night," Pe'ter stmamered, scratching his head in pretence to recall a quotation that would silence his sisters—something about the want—the want of " "Oh yes, I know," Tilly laughed. "Want is the scorn of every boyish fool, and wit in rags, Peter (reaching over and tugging at a rent in his jacket), is turned to ridicule." All but old John and Granny joined in the laugh against Peter. "Was that what you were trying to think of?" .James asked maliciously of liis brother. But Peter was a good actor in times of distress. He shook his head and snapped his fingers and said: "No; I'm blowed if I can think wluiit it) was now." "ft baint be that," old John said with a wise air. "That be from aht the Babble, mah girl." Tilly, who was a good reader, and had just left the Grammar 'School, exchanged a laugh with James, also a reader. "The Bible? Oh Father!" she said. " Ali-h, the Babble," replied old John confidently, "but it baint be any argerment for yow, ggirl, for it also sez, an' what he otighgt to V thought on (meaning Peter), ' Aht I en the mahths o' babes an' sookllin's I coomes wurds o' wesdom.' " ' 'Haj ha, ha; ho, ho, ho!" yelled Peter. " Tho very thing I was trying to think of. It takes you, Father." Old John was delighted with himself. His eyes ,became obscured beI hind th? rolls skin th.it gathered j in his face as be leaned back and ] chuckled. - ' '"-.... I "What he wa4 trying to think jof!" James guffawed incredulously, j as he rose and wejnt off to work. j "That was from ijhe Bible, Father," j Tilly conceded pleasantly, "but you i surely don't want\ to make out that

I'm a hahe or a suckling, do you?" (Appealing to Granny a.s she took a seat besklo her), "Do you think I am, Granny?" "What lie yow savin', mah babby?" asked Granny. "There you are. Ha, ha, ha!" from Peter, a.s ho kicked out with both legs. " Father is right again—right every time." "Well, you needn't show your pleasure by bruising one with your big bob-nail boots!" Tillv dissented. "Did I kick you? Ha, ha, ha! I kicked Tom awhile ago and he bit -James for it. Ha, ha, ha!" Peter replied. "Ah-h, well, girl," old John drawled, rising to leave, "wi' all the edecation yow can't beat the old man yet." Then pausing a.s he strode past .M r.s Dashwood to reach the door: "Can urn, .Mother? (putting his arms about her). What say, Elahser?" Shrieks of laughter came from Peter. "Stop it John!" Mrs Dashwood said, struggling from her frolicking husband. "Be quiet, will you?" "Kiss her, Father," Polly counselled mischievously. "Ah would thet same." And old John proceeded to prove his words. Loud expressions of delight greeted Mrs Dash wood's attempts to escape tho embraces of her husband. "What be he try in' to do?" Granny asked. "Father and Mother are courting again," Tilly cried into her ear. "The boys used to love Granny one taJiiiK'," the old lady murmured, "but '»' doan't now, 'n' doan't now." Fresh delight entered the hearts of the two girls. The idea of boys making love to Granny was too much for them. " And did you have boys, Granny?" they asked, curiously. Grannv smiled and nodded and counted "them up on her fingers. Then answered.: "Fahve— yes, fahve." "Five! Oh, you flirt, Granny," Tilly laughed.' ' t would never have thought it of you." Granny wagged her head in childish 'delight, and added : "Hut Ah only merried yun." The girls went off again into shrieks, and Peter, throwing.hread, scraps at old John to attract his notice, cried: "Father! Father! did you -health at? Granny had five chaps a.nd only married one. Ha! ha! ha! ha! only married one." "Well." /answered old J|ohn as he held his wife hy the shoulders, "Ah heil a girl for. every Sunda' in th' year, an' only merried this yun." Then giving Mrs Dashwood a partins: squeeze- went off to the yard. "Father's a. hlooming caution," Peter said, as he reached for his hat and Jfpllowed him. (Next instalment on Wednesday.)